- I've suddenly become emotionally stable?... I haven't.
- I no longer feel the need to vent?.... Not true.
- I no longer desire a pregnancy?.... I do, though not every day.
- Foster parenting keeps me too busy?.... Well....
We currently have two boys. I know I've mentioned Daks to you before, he's 6months old and we've had him since he was born. The other I call Ronny and he's 3, we've had him much longer now than we thought we would. We love both our boys very much.
Daks - one day I'll feel sure we'll get to keep him and adopt him and at one point even thought up a name we'd switch his to if that day came... Then the next day I'll think there's a good chance he might go home in the end and I regret having thought up that name in the first place.
Ronny - he's temporary. Though I know there is a chance since he's in our home that we'll get to keep him, the chance is very slim because he's part of a sibling group. We were warned not to take part of a sibling group, because we hope to adopt, but we did anyway. It was only supposed to be for a few days, which now is going on a few months. We've gotten very attached to the little guy. Next time we're asked to take part of a sibling group, I hope we'll say no. The hardest part for me this Christmas was saying goodbye to far away family knowing they may never see these kids again.
The more uncertainty there is with foster parenting the more I wish I were pregnant. I know when you see those two lines it doesn't guarantee... well.. anything. I wouldn't be guaranteed a healthy pregnancy. I wouldn't be guaranteed to carry to full term. No guarantees they'd be born absolutely perfect, or that I'd get to bring them home from the hospital. There's so many things you just don't know. But somehow I feel like seeing two lines means an immediate child that is legally mine that I would get to raise and would out live me. No more wondering if I deserve the tittle of "mommy". No more worrying about who sees that outfit that I let our foster child wear occasionally that says "mommy's big guy" or "daddy says I'm the best" because I'm afraid it'd make certain people think I'm making claims that aren't mine to make or whatever because we're not the bio-parents. (I used to not let the infant wear those kind of clothes, but then... well now I've just been making sure he doesn't wear them around people connected to the case because I'm afraid it could upset... now I'm thinking I might pull those clothes out of the closet and start a box for our maybe-someday-child).
This foster parenting stuff is hard! And then some days it's just really easy. Not that parenting is easy, it's not, but it's easy some days to forget that they aren't mine. We get into the flow of things and I love this being a mom stuff, enjoy seeing Jared be a daddy, and I don't worry about tomorrow. And other days I'm reminded just how much these kids aren't mine and I'm completely torn up emotionally feeling totally replaceable by the office, and I can't sleep because I'm worrying about tomorrow. It's ridiculous. And then... And then there are these days where I'm in this weird place of mind that I can only think is a blessed place where God wishes I would stay. In this place I can hope for the bio-parents. I can wish them well and imagine their life working out and their child going home, and be happy for them. I can understand why they might not want to stay in touch afterwards and be ok. I can wish that our older kid leave sooner rather than later to join up with his siblings because it might be better for him. I guess this weird place is a selfless place, it's a bigger picture sort of place, and it is so full of peace. As soon as I start thinking about my selfish desires... peace goes right out the window. Just because I want to keep these kids doesn't mean it's what will happen, or that it's the best place for them in the long run. God's got this.
God's got the whole world in His hands,
He's got Ronny and Daks in His hands,
He's got their bio-families in His hands,
and for us He's got big plans. ;-)
He's got the whole situation, the DHS office, and anything else I may worry about in His hands. When I'm stressed out I try to think of that song and remember to hand it over to Him, and in those times I tend to cry. If anyone could see and hear me singing that song with tears on my face on the way to or from some DHS thing... they'd probably think I'm crazy. But ah-well, no one ever said I was sane. ;-)
