Life has been difficult lately. Normally I wouldn't feel free to write about anything foster care. Nothing specific-ish. But this case? This case... this case is very different. To give you a little recap; Last year we adopted our first child. Remember "Daks"? Well now he's Darrell. Darrell had entered foster care pretty much from the moment he was born because his birth mother had some negative recent history. Darrell was placed with us straight from the hospital, so we adopted a child we've had since he was only two days old. Lots happened between day one with us and his adoption day, but that's not the case I want to talk with you about. No, who I'd like to talk about is his sibling.
Darrell's little brother, "James", was placed with us in December, but because he was born in another state than the one we live in, he had to return to the other state a few weeks ago. It's a bunch of paperwork and neither the caseworker or the judge like the fact that he had to return. So he'll be back! Once the paperwork is done, he'll be back and we'll get on with the adoption process. Him returning though?... I didn't foresee it coming, and it has put me in quite a funk.
With infertility, how many times have I put my emotions on hold? You know what I'm talking about, don't you? You tell yourself you're fine long enough and you start believing it. Or you shove back your emotions just for a day or two, maybe even just one night, because the situations around you are too difficult for you to deal with. You've put up a guard so when people ask "Are you pregnant?" that it doesn't ruffle your feathers (at least not right then and there in front of people). You put up a guard so when you hear a pregnancy announcement, you're ok! I've been "ok" for a while now, at least I think so, but lately.... I don't know anymore. Now that I have my Darrell, I don't eagerly desire a pregnancy anymore. I'm good with baby showers, even helped plan one once. I...
Did I mention life has been difficult lately? When Darrell's little brother, James, came to our home, I got another son!!! I thought he was mine and that he'd never leave (this is actually the second time this has happened with him, but that's a long totally different story). I thought he'd never leave! And then... he did. As soon as I found out we only had x-amount of days left until he had to return.. I bottled those emotions. Suppressed them. Pushed them out of the way because... Well it was too much for me to deal with right then. All business. All facts, this is just how it is and how it has to be and... It'll be better soon.
The first week after James left, I was numb. Tired all the time... wasn't very hungry.. didn't want to do much... couldn't really cry about him being gone, couldn't get excited about visiting him that Saturday... often would have those little silent tears falling for "no reason", never a full blown good cry that somehow I wanted, again for "no reason". Ever just desired a "good" cry? I wanted a good cry badly, but it wouldn't come. I was depressed. I was numb. And I was numb enough that I didn't even realize how my week had been until it was over.
Second week after James left, my goal was to kick depression to the curb. Feeling hurts. After all the times I've been depressed over the years because of infertility; I know, feeling hurts. In an effort to feel again, I picked up pen and paper. I haven't wrote much poetry in years, but I know poetry is a good way for me to get my emotions out. I also picked up reading David's Psalms. King David was great at getting his emotions written out. No matter what he was feeling, he wrote it. And he... David felt a lot of things. Right near the beginning of the book of Psalms, in chapter 6, you see that David dealt with depression. I find it encouraging that mighty strong King David, man after God's own heart, he too had difficult times. And the best part? He turned to God during those times and God helped him through it; that's what I want.
Anyway.... Reading one of David's psalms yesterday I realized where I've placed my satisfaction, and it goes right along with the name of this blog. Here's what I told a friend yesterday:
Psalm 17:14-15"... You fill their belly with Your treasure;they are satisfied with children,and they leave their abundance to their infants.As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness;I will be satisfied when I awake with Your likeness."------------------------I had such "joy" on my birthday. I've pretty well made peace with the fact that I may never get pregnant. I don't find myself desiring that. I mean, I still wonder here and there every other month "I wonder if I'm pregnant", but I'm ok or whatever if it doesn't happen. I don't know. Anyway... Back to my birthday. I felt so much happiness. I was satisfied. We were healthy, physically felt great! And our boys... I had the perfect family. I told Jared more than once during that week that I'd be happy to just have the two of them. Adopt James, and be done! I'd be ok with that. I love our family. I just.. I love it. I put my satisfaction in my children.For years my brain has said the same thing. Whenever I feel sad... "I want a baby". It's just, stuck on repeat. It's been stuck on repeat for so long... I "argue" against that thought now. I stop it in it's tracks and think about how it's not true anymore and I don't know why I'm thinking it. Just go away! lol. Maybe I haven't made peace with things after all, I don't know, but I don't want my satisfaction to lay in whether or not I have kids. It shouldn't.Soon as James left, my perfect family was broken. My perfect family was gone. And my joy? My satisfaction? Yeah...May I desire His likeness more than children.I know my joy shouldn't lay in my kids, but instead lay in God, but it's a much easier said than done thing. Like, my head gets it, but my heart? My heart hasn't figured it out yet.
So there's that! Besides some poems I've written lately, I feel y'all are pretty up to date with where my life sits currently. Flip side, I'm a mother now! But on this side of things I find that my years of wanting children will always affect me, and that having kids doesn't answer all my desires.
P.S. I'll try to post some of my latest poems for y'all later.
