Maybe this is my month... Ever notice how it seems every month your brain looks at ever little thing that "Hmmm maybe this means I'm pregnant..." or "Well wouldn't it be a coincidence if I was pregnant this month?" or "Maybe that's a sign from God that it's our time." Well this month is like any other, there's "signs" that maybe it's our time. lol.
This month a lady at our church, Ms Steveny, told Jared to start counting to 10 from the first day of my period. He told me about her saying this to him and of course I told him I already knew that. Anyways... I looked at the calendar and counted... then... "Wait a minute, is that why you wanted me last night? because it was day 10?" And he told me he hadn't been counting and had no idea it was day 10. I just found that coincidence interesting... On day 12 I was a moody wreck. The next morning Jared woke up with a song in his head about a daddy. And he was lost in his thoughts wishing he was a daddy. That's something that he doesn't express very often. I mean.. I know that he wants to be a dad and all... but he just doesn't say so very much outta the blue without me talking about that kinda stuff first.. ya know? Anyways... he just randomly was telling me about how he was thinking how he'd like to be a daddy. So yeah, that's the signs for ya. lol. Now I'm in my two week wait? I think last I checked I'm supposed to start on Sunday.
I have been such an emotional wreck this month! I think I'm fighting falling back into depression. Ok so I've never been diagnosed as depressed by a doctor or anything. I've never been on any anti-depressants. But in my mind I definitely think I've gone through depression more than once. I was depressed last summer, didn't really tell anyone about it, and it really stunk. But then again.... I was doing so many things trying to keep my mind busy with other thoughts that I'm not sure I really even recognized I was depressed until I was starting to get over it. This time around.... Oh I hate it! Here's a poem I wrote just recently:
Not Again...
I'm feeling that sad feeling,
that depressed feeling,
creeping, slowly creeping,
into my heart.
I don't know where it's steaming,
don't know from where it's coming,
it's just slowly seeping,
seeping into my heart.
This unknown invasion,
it's not my imagination,
I recognize depression,
but why am I falling in?
Thought I was improving,
now I barely feel like moving,
gosh it's so confusing,
as depression settles in.
I've written a few other poems recently that would also show the feelings I've been having lately.... But I'll save those for some other posts. Bleh.... life... lol. What was I saying? I feel like this post is so much just rambling thoughts pouring out of my head. Oh! I know a few other things I could say!
Ok so a few days ago I was talking to Ma (my step-mother-in-law) and she asked me about if we had gone to get any tests done yet. You know what kinda tests I mean... to find out if one of us is broken... Anyways I told her no. And she was telling me about how I'm supposed to be getting price quotes for her cause they said they'd help with that... Bleh! I called about the prices a while back, just hadn't told her I guess. I simply told her we don't have time for that right now. I dunno.... I'm really kinda torn and confused about all that stuff right now. Remember my post about adoption? I dunno... Should we go get tests done to see if anything is wrong right now?? I really feel that we'll just be told we have unexplained infertility. And if that is the case, it'll just be money spent to say nothing's changed for our situation. Then there was those adoption thoughts I was having before.... about how I don't like that adoption tends to get saved as a last resort. That maybe... Maybe we should get started with the adoption stuff before we start doing tests. If we are "broken" and can't have kids, then adoption once again becomes the back fall plan. And... I don't want that. If we get started with adoption before we know if things are wrong with us or not... then it's a decision based on... well I don't know! I guess I just want to be able to tell people we're adoption just because we feel like it and not because we can't have any of our own, like everyone will assume in the first place. Is that pride talking? I really really really want to have a kid "of my own", but if I am going to adopt.... I want it to be because I chose to adopt and not because I think it's my only chance of being a mom. As you can see this is something we'll be praying about. Which do we do first? Start working on tests? Or see what the first step towards adoption is and take it? Hmmmm....
So this is kinda like two different posts... ohwell! Have a good day!