It's been 17 months, 17 months since we said goodbye to our other son and daughter. 17 months since the siblings of our kids moved out of our house. 17 months, and you know what? That's how long they were with us before they left, it was about 17 months. Any entitlement I feel to those kids because of how long they were with us? They've now been with their birth dad just as long, longer really, since his time with them hasn't been interrupted with visitations.
17 months I've been broken. Maybe not every day. Maybe not all the time. But broken? I just wrote that to you guys the other day, that oftentimes our family still feels broken because they are no longer here. 17 months! And we still feel that? Them leaving broke our family! And I think... I've still been holding my breath for their return, it's time to let it go.
My epiphany? Our family can feel whole and complete again without them here. I want to think that we can't, that our family was broken when they left us and we can't be complete again unless they return, but we can. We can. And us feeling whole again without them does not mean they won't be back, again I want to think that, but it's not true. It just means that if/when they come back we won't still be broken. How much better for them if we are whole when they walk back into our home? They don't need us to still be broken. It's ok to heal without them. It's ok to feel whole again. It's ok to embrace life how it is now, which everyone knows, and quit holding my breath for just in case...
They don't need a broken home. We don't need a broken home. We've stayed broken too long already.
It's time to move on. And moving on doesn't mean they'll never be back. I'm scared to move on afraid that moving on means my doors will be closed to those kids. I love them so very much and I'm terrified that somehow I will close our doors to the chance of our kids siblings ever returning. They might never return! But I'm scared it'll be my fault that they don't. I'm terrified of it. That they could end up back in foster care one day and we will have done something that means they can't come here. I'm not very trusting that God's got this.
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I want to hurry up, fast forward, skip ahead, have things happen now!But wait, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm afraid, some how...If things happen now, I won't be prepared. What if we close our home, and then...I'm scared._____Why are you worried? Have I not shown up before? Your timeline means nothing, I am the LORD. I can see what you can't possibly imagine, which you don't believe because you have such an imagination. Stop worrying, stop fretting, I've got this, just believe! There are things going on that you can't see._____But God..._____I see your worries, I see your fears, I see you trying to control. Let go. I love you, but I need your trust not your help in this. I've got this, you're going to be ok._____But God..._____If I want them there, license or not is not going to stop Me._____But...._____No buts. I've got this. Trust Me, I've got this._____But I don't know..._____You don't need to know, you need to trust. Trust Me.
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That is something I wrote back in June. I went to write a poem about these emotions I just described to you about feeling terrified that somehow we'll forever close our doors to their siblings. That we could get this guy adopted and end up not needing to renew our foster license and us not having our license anymore.... It'll be over. We could close our home, we could close out our foster and adoptive licenses and then... What if their siblings came into care and we were no longer licensed? I want to adopt this little guy now! I want closure. I want forever. I want him to have our last name. I don't want to still fear that we could lose him... It doesn't matter that birth parents have been MIA for more than 6 months on this case, I still fear it. Until it's official, he could still leave. I want him adopted now, but....
But once he's adopted we have no reason to still be licensed.
I went to write a poem, but instead a conversation with God is what came out after I started to write. Did you notice how in that conversation He doesn't tell me if they are ever going to come back? Did you notice that? Because I definitely noticed that. God tells me if He wants them here that license or not isn't going to stop Him, but He doesn't tell me whether or not He actually wants them here.
There could be a beautiful future between us and the birth family that involves more siblings never coming to our home. I don't honestly know what the future holds, what I do know is that God wants me to stop trying to control it. And I also know, that according to my notebook, God has been telling me to "move on" since at least May. It's been more than 6 months since I felt like God was telling me to move on, and now I'm finally starting to do it.