There are all these names that I have for my kids. "My" kids. It starts with our oldest, includes siblings who aren't in our home anymore, involves our youngest who we are working to adopt right now, of course involves the other one we've already adopted, and it involves a sibling who doesn't even exist yet. Wait, did I just say that? Kids that don't even exist yet? Yep I'm naming children who haven't even been born.
Remember Hosea? How he has these names for his kids that God gave him that are prophetic names to send a message to God's people? Well God gave me a message, through the meanings of some names, for the birth parents of our kids. I didn't know it was a message for them until one day I was sitting on the floor having just picked out the 5th name in the lineup and then it just hit me, "that sounds like a witness for their birth parents". I sat on that witness for a while, but eventually I gave it. It changed bio-dad's life, he has no idea the message I shared with him has anything to do with names. Later though? I think I got a 6th name...
A 6th name? There's not a sixth kid yet, at least not that I know of, but that sixth kid has a name, in fact it's the name for a girl, so.... Will there be a 6th kid who is a girl? Only God knows...
And now??! There's another name even. Gosh things are getting out of hand! But this new name? It doesn't sound like a name that goes along with the others. Where the name comes from and the meanings in the name, it doesn't go along with the others. This name? It sounds like a name that would be for a child of my own womb this time, not hers. I started getting excited, will I be pregnant some day?!?! Is this a sign?! This 7th name feels like a name that maybe God has also given me, but... What?! I already have a 6th name for a child who has yet to be born, now another? This is ridiculous. This can't be. But maybe...
I started getting excited that maybe this is a sign that I myself would be pregnant some day, and then some things happened that made me realize that I haven't gotten over the pains of infertility at all yet. Not like I thought I had. There's been a couple times in the past year or so that I've made a declaration that I believe God can give me that feeling that my family is "complete" with whatever size family He chooses, AND whether or not any of my children are ever from my own womb. I've stated this. I've declared it! And then...
I got excited about this name, Irene Annabelle, it's a 3 generation from my side of the family name. The meanings in the name are so precious and they sound like they are for me. Me! Not another meaning to go along with the message God gave me for our kids birth parents. And after this excitement got going I found something out that brought all the pain of infertility in my past back to the forefront and I realized I still haven't forgiven God for us being infertile. And will I? Will I forgive Him now if He never takes that infertility away? I thought I was good and "over it", but I'm not, I had just shoved it to the side again.
Once upon a time ago I was praying the meaning of a name over one of my sons, do you remember that? The name was Nehemiah, and it means "God is my comfort". I was praying that over our James while he had to be away from us again for 2 months while we waited for the paperwork to be done properly for him to return to our home. The name wasn't even a name that my husband was agreeing to for him at the time, and I just told God "if You want his middle name to be Nehemiah, You'll have to change his mind, cause I'm not going to fight for it.". And somewhere along the way, apparently that happened, because that is his middle name. But anyway, that being his middle name wasn't even decided for sure yet, but I remember while he was away I prayed, "God be Nehemiah to him! God be his comfort. Comfort him when I can not. Comfort him in ways that only You can. Be Nehemiah, God, be Nehemiah to him."
I got to thinking about this name, Irene Annabelle, and the meanings in this name are meanings I want to pray over myself. I want this. This is a prayer for me and my life. It feels like a name for me, literally me, and I was telling my mom this and jokingly said I wasn't going to change my name, but maybe it'll be my authors name one day for a book I write. And after I said that, and thought about it more, I feel like I was playing charades with God and He put his finger on His nose. That's it, that's what this new name is for.
I hate that. And I love it. And... I wanted this to be a name for my kid, not me! If this is for my authors name then.... Then it's already used! And that means it's not a sign I'll be pregnant one day! And... I want this for my kid, not for me..... And that declaration I had declared came blindingly into the spotlight, do you believe it? I said I believed God could satisfy me with any number of kids. I said I believed that God could satisfy me whether any of my kids ever came from my own womb or not. I said I believed this! But now I was getting so super excited about the thought that maybe one day I'd be pregnant and... And now I feel that name isn't for a child of my own womb? It's for me? I'm not ever....
I think God has told me now, that for me, a pregnancy's not going to happen. I'm never going to be pregnant. I've said over and over that it's ok if it doesn't happen, but now I realize I'm still coming to terms with that. God and I have had several other conversations too, but my declaration is a big part of that.
This is the meanings that God has spoken to my heart about the name Irene Annabelle, including the nickname I was thinking I'd use which is Ira Belle:
Anna = God is gracious.
+ Belle = God is my satisfaction.
Irabelle = Answer to our prayers.
