Something Deeper

I hurt, he hurts, we're all hurting. I fear sometimes sounding calloused. Maybe I am a bit? A bit calloused to the pain. I talk with a smile, or at least without tears or sighs, as I simply state facts about the case and where things sit these days. I talk much the same as I state the heartaches of the past, or my dread of the future, and without emotion you might not know it hurts either one. But it does, or at least it should, and I'm trying to allow myself to feel the pain. 

Pain I feel 

I have to hide, 

propriety says

it's got to stay inside, 

 

and then it stays, 

where it doesn't belong,

and then I'm back 

here on my blog...  

 

Hi y'all! 

Here's something I wrote to some family and friends last night:

Today was our second Sunday without them. 

First it's Sundays, then Saturday/Sunday, then Friday night through Sunday, the whole week of Thanksgiving, and a move out date in December. 

Many of you I've mentioned it to already, but saying it more broadly.... It makes it more real. A reality I don't want to think about. A reality that has me confused. A reality that... I don't even know. I don't know how to process it, so oftentimes I just don't. I don't process.

Today at church things were different. Everyone talked about how The Spirit was moving. Everyone felt it. So much was going on and so much happened and I.... I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I wasn't all there. I feel like there's a wall between me and my emotions sometimes. Today I was physically present, but I'm not sure where I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, I don't know. I didn't feel connected.

Next week we have plans to go to an autumn festival type thing with their birth parents and their baby sister. It'll be on "their time" with visit, and end on "our time" to take the kids home with us. I look back and remember the day we met sissy in the hospital, it was a good day! But I was SO VERY emotionally DRAINED afterwards. I crashed and burned the next day, and the day after that. I think maybe it's the wearing the mask? The walking the line. The keeping small talk and pleasant talk and keeping it about the kids and trying not to say anything that'll offend and trying to not let anything that's said offend me and.... the list never ends. I think mostly it's keeping the energy like everything is fine and dandy. Walking that line and making it look easy? I'm not good with quiet, my siblings can attest to this. They get quiet with me, and next thing I'm just saying something awkward that fills the silence... So birth parents? I might not say something "awkward", but it's like I feel I HAVE to keep the small talk going. And birth mom? There's no give and take, it's all me. (Kinda like with my siblings sometimes... hey it's not all MY fault I get to saying awkward stuff, if they'd just start talking too... 😜 ).

Point is, I'm dreading our day together with them. Not because I think it'll be a bad day. Or a bad idea. Or... it's just heavy.

I feel some of my wall coming down typing this out to you guys. Thanks for listening.

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I told y'all in my post, God is Good, that we had "peace" after the court hearing in July. And we did! We had some. It was odd, but we had it. Everything had changed, and there was hurt, but there was also peace. There's a peace in knowing/feeling that God's got this. Knowing/believing that in the end? In the end things will be GOOD because HE'S got this. Here's a poem my husband wrote about it in July:

As the light fades

The tears begin to roll

My heart aches

The pang of loss takes its toll

There is pain in the mourning

In the dark of night

Contemplation stills my soul

Hope and fear, joy and pain

The memories roll

There is quiet in the mourning 

The light of dawn

Softening the pain of loss

My mind is calm

Though life's tempests toss

There is peace in the mourning 

As the sun dispels

The last vestige of night

The tears fade

With the morning light

There is joy in the mourning.

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I'm sure I had peace, I really did, at least for a week or two. And then? And then I think I've just become more and more distant from my emotions. Though I've tried to process all that happened in July, I've not processed it. Here's a few things I wrote in my notebook in September:

God You saw me cry, the first night I found out. You saw my tears flowing, couldn't keep them in the next day. You saw them, where are they now? I feel like I can't cry, not about that, where's the pain? How do I feel like I'd be ok if everything changed? Wouldn't I miss them? Wouldn't I hurt? Wouldn't there be a gaping hole in my chest again? I hurt when I think of others hurting, but what about my own pain? Do I feel anything? God You saw my tears, where are they now? I cry now as I fear those tears are gone. I hurt at the thought that they could leave them, I want to hurt at the thought that they could leave me.

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God if this is You, why? I was clinging to their names believing it means eventually they'll all be their names. All be adopted by us. But then... Where we are at in this case is also You. The names are from You, but us back in the boat of reunification? That's also You. I'm so confused. How do I fully support reunification when I also believe it won't last? Again? I'm overthinking again....

     I need to just keep rowing. Maybe You did give me all those names. And maybe they do mean eventually they'll all be adopted by us. And maybe You are the reason we are working reunification again. Maybe all these things can completely co-exist. I just need to quit thinking and just keep doing whatever it is I think You want me to be doing. I keep being told to watch and see what You are going to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You said, "Suzanna, the assignment hasn't changed."

What does that mean?!?!?! 

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We had court again in October, and though things changed in July, things have officially changed further as we were given an increasing visitation schedule with an end goal of the kids moving out of our home in December. Here's my writing through some of that....

God, what is the plan? As always, trust in Him. Trust in Him? Trust in Him?!? I don't get to know the plan. That's the point of trust! If you knew every detail, every jot and tiddle, every everything, where's the need for trust? God's got this, whether I feel it, know it, or not. Do I believe? Do I have faith? Do I trust? Has He brought me through before? Yes! Can He do it again? Yes! Will He? Why does my answer want to be, "I don't know."? That's where you have to trust! He has before, and He will again, and what He has spoken hasn't changed, and He hasn't changed, and He doesn't change, and... Do I trust Him?!? Do I trust Him with my heart and the heart of my kids? He's not going to play with it!!! My heart in His hands is the safest place it could ever be. I don't need to know the plan, I just need to trust He's got this.

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A poem of my husband's:

Silence

I longed for silence 

Not long ago

Now it's heavy

The burden grows

I feel its weight 

I hear its rebuke 

"You asked for silence!"

Oh I could puke

The quiet hours

The silent days

The painful whispers

There always

It's barely started

Now it's days

Then it's weeks

Then always? 

Where's the peace 

I found in mourning?

What's the chaos 

That is forming? 

Oh God! 

You were so near!

I need you!

Now I'm drowning in my fear!

"When I trust you

I don't need to understand "

Let me hide in your cloak

Hold me in your hands.

Fill the silence 

Lift my burden

Guide my steps 

Make them certain

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So anyway, there's that! I hurt, he hurts, we all hurt. I didn't share the hurt of the kids, but there's definitely a lot of hurt going on with them too. Hurt, confusion, and chaos. 💔