We were doing a Ladies Bible Study at church. I hadn't written many poems in a while, but we were given homework and our homework was to write a poem; a poem entitled "Why?". That's it. That's all the info for our homework we were given. No pointers on what it was to be about, just... Why? It didn't take me long to figure out the topic for my poem.
In October our 3 year old foster son, "Ronny", who was now 4, left our home. He'd been with us just one week shy of a year. The adoptive parents said they wanted to stay in touch, but months went by with them not contacting us. My heart? Torn.
In April we had gotten Darrell's little brother placed with us. But because of jurisdictional problems with how he came into foster care, he returned home to his birth parents before the week was out. Thought if he ever came to us... if he ever did.... thought he'd never leave. He was 2 and a half months old. We had a new name picked out for him, but called him Bubba because we weren't ready to use it yet. When he left? We went on hiatus. Our adoption of Darrell had just happened, and without Bubba here anymore, we currently had no foster kids. So we took a break. Shut our doors while we tried to move on.
In May our old 3 year old, I mean 4 year old Ronny, got adopted. Someone sent me a message when they saw the adoption photos on Facebook. I thought I had moved on. I thought I was passed the heartache of Ronny leaving. But seeing that kind of proof that he'd never return...... I found there was a lot more hurt in my heart than I realized; I found myself angry with God for the pain that I felt.
Here's the poem that I wrote:
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June 18th 2017
Why?
What I always wanted to be;
You denied me.
You called me to another way,
at first I selfishly obeyed.
One step closer, but wanting more.
parenthood like I'd never dreamed before.
Why? Why? Why God, WHY?!?
Why must my dreams of motherhood die?
This foster title takes so much away,
especially when so many don't stay.
Why must my heart break again and again??
Constantly I let selfishness slip in.
If You'd have just given me my own..
this pain I feel I'd never have known.
But You lifted a veil, and now I see;
Constantly reminded it's not about me.
My heart breaks for the child who had to say goodbye.
Sometimes it breaks for the family, or angry tears I cry.
Why God? Why must I feel this pain?
Sometimes I wish ignorance I could regain....
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My child, My sweet child,
I know how much it hurts you so.
But there are others who need My love,
and without the pain you would never go.
Go where I need you child;
be My hands and feet.
There are so many lost souls,
I have yet for you to meet.
I need for you to hurt,
to see them as I do.
These families are precious to Me,
just as precious as you.
Come to Me child,
rest in My embrace.
If you will only let Me,
I'll wipe the tears from your face.
What you are doing now,
is part of a greater plan.
One day you will see,
how much you were My feet and hands.