....... Cycle Day 12.....
I wish I had more happy posts on my blog. I guess one of the real reasons I have a blog is so that I have a place to vent. Somewhere I can throw out all my complaints into the world and not have to worry about what my friends or family will say about it. That being said... I've got another complaint. lolI love to write poetry... it helps get my feelings more in control when I put it all down on paper. I also feel that my poems contain more emotion in them then when I just try to write how I feel.. er whatever. The problem is that I don't tend to write happy poems. My poems are driven by emotion, mostly the sad and depressing ones. Back in the day when hormones were raging I wrote a lot about love... la de da de da love... longing, aching, missing, desiring, love. Now most of my poems are about stress, and infertility. Woowhoo! lol. Anyways... here's what I wrote last night:
Need to Confide
My heart aches. And it breaks.
And it feels like it's not even there.
I don't understand this,
And you don't really care.
You've got your life.
And yeah I've got mine.
But because I am sad about this,
You think I have too much time.
Too much time to think about things.
Too much time to dwell.
Too much time to pity myself.
And if you think that, then well...
Why are we friends?
Don't you feel my pain?
I need someone to talk to,
Someone to keep me sane.
My worries aren't pretend.
I wouldn't make this up.
I'd rather think on other things.
Forget about this stuff.
But it just hurts so bad.
It's hard to get off my mind.
But I guess we'll ketch up later...
We'll talk another time.
-Suzanna 7/25/11
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Did I mention that I was in a wedding end of last month? If not... well I was. For my dear friend Kathleen. I've known Kathleen since I was about 7 years old. We've been best friends for years. When she moved away from home she pretty well quit talking to me. That was almost 4 years ago. A year later she was in my wedding, I was clinging hard to our friendship. The whole time I've been married we haven't talked much.
She was going through some tough stuff I'm sure... but she left me out of being in her life. While her not letting me be there for her.... She wasn't there for me. All those times I needed someone to talk to, she wasn't there. All this emotional stuff I've gone through with wondering if I'll ever be a mom.... She knows nothing about. And now... She's entering back into my life. She had me as part of her wedding last month, hoping to just stick a band-aid on the last three years of our friendship and move on. I love her dearly. All the things I wanted to tell her over the last three years... I want to tell her now. I want her to know how I really am.
But last night... exactly one month after she got married... she announced that her "eggo is preggo". Now if I tell her anything it'll seem like I'm just trying to make her feel bad. Life isn't fair... God never said it would be... But still.... Why God? Why her and why now. I'm really feeling the love (not)
