How Far I'll Go / A Million Dreams

I heard the song How Far I'll Go from Moana several months ago and cried my eyes out because of it's parallel to me and my desire to have a big family.

How Far I'll Go: 

I've been staring at the edge of the water
Long as I can remember
Never really knowing why (I've always wanted a big family)
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water no matter how hard I try (God I'm sorry! I want to be a good daughter and be content with everything You've already given me and then... There it is! I see a big family and there that desire is again! If that is not what You want for me, PLEASE take that desire away!)

 

Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know where I cannot go
Where I long to be (I can't get there on my own!!! I can't get pregnant! I can't MAKE the kids who I want to adopt come back to my house and be adoptable and... I can't make ANY OF IT HAPPEN! I can NOT grow my family. Only You God, only You can give me a big family...)

 

See the line where the sky meets the sea?
It calls me
And no one knows how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
If I go, there's just no telling how far I'll go (if DHS keeps approving placements of siblings... who knows how many times we'll say yes to more! And then there's always the possibility You could cause me to get pregnant some day... Who knows when my family will be done growing!)

 

I know everybody on this island seems so happy on this island
Everything is by design (everyone else seems content with the sizes of their families that You have given them)
I know everybody on this island has a role on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine (I can do this... I'll be ok with...)

 

I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I'll be satisfied if I play along (Three is fine... I can be fine with three.. three is great! I just need to embrace being a mom of three boys. I can do this!)
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me? (Why?!?! Why can't I do this!? Why can't I just be content!!!)

 

See the light as it shines on the sea?
It's blinding (Blinding!!! The desire is so strong!)
But no one knows how deep it goes (Not even sure I understand how deep this desire is)
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me (God bring them back! Grow my family! Do something...)
And let me know (PLEASE)
What's beyond that line, will I cross that line? (Will I get there?! Will I have a big family?!)

 

See the line where the sky meets the sea?
It calls me
And no one knows how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know how far I'll go (one day it'll end, our family will be done growing, and I'll finally know our family is complete)

 

 

Crying my eyes out again as I type all that out to tell you about that song. The others came back! They are HERE! And there's another one with them. I'm currently the mom of SIX kids. And you know what? There's another one on the way, and it's a girl, and I want a sister for my daughter..... I don't know when our family will be done growing. I don't know when DHS will stop approving us for more kids, or God will tell us to stop saying yes to more kids, or.... But we have a passenger van now. God saw fit to make a way for us to own a 12 passenger van. The day God told us about that van, later that very same day we found out our kids birth mama is pregnant again. Coincidence? I don't think so. And maybe we're crazy, but I know my answer is yes if we get called for placement of another. And I'm pretty sure my husband's answer is yes too. 

Another song in my head that really hit home was/is A Million Dreams from The Greatest Showman.

A Million Dreams:

 

I close my eyes and I can see
A world that's waiting up for me
That I call my own (a big family that's mine)
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one's been before
But it feels like home (our big family, here, in our smallish house)

 

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy (up to 6 kids now, might say yes to more? lol)
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind (yep, people probably thinking that already)
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy (nope, don't care!)
We can live in a world that we design.

 

'Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake (I see bunk beds.. large kitchen tables.. big sectional couches...)
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see (those things all fitting just right in the space that we have)
A million dreams is all it's gonna take
Oh a million dreams for the world we're gonna make

 

There's a house we can build
Every room inside is filled
With things from far away
Special things I compile
Each one there to make you smile
On a rainy day (I want to embrace minimalism and be good and intentional with the space that we have so we own the things we truly want and love and not just a bunch of junk)

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say we've lost our minds
I don't care, I don't care if they call us crazy
Runaway to a world that we design

 

(chorus)

However big, however small
Let Me be part of it all (God! God says He wants to be a part of this! However big my family is, or however small, He wants to be a part of it!)
Share your dreams with Me (He desires for me to share my heart with Him)
You may be right, you may be wrong (thinking He is going to bring even more our way...)
But say that you'll bring Me along (no matter what, God doesn't want to be left out)
To the world you see
To the world I close my eyes to see
I close my eyes to see

 

Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
A million dreams, a million dreams (oh I have so many dreams for our family!)

I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it's gonna take
A million dreams for the world we're gonna make

For the world we're gonna make (only God knows if those dreams will happen, and He will have to be involved or they never will)

I have so many dreams for our family. How I want to raise our kids, how I want to homeschool them, how I want to encourage a good healthy relationship between them and their birth parents, how I want to decorate and paint the rooms in our home a different color and write with a white paint pen scriptures on our walls... So many thoughts and dreams! I have dreams about so much more than just bunk beds and tables, but so many of those dreams I can't begin to work on until later. I can't even put all the kids in the rooms like I want them in the rooms until after adoptions because of certain rules and regulations. God knows my dreams! He knows all my hopes for the future. He knows all the things I hope to instill in the hearts of our children as we raise them. So I sing that song, and I close my eyes and I can see this world, this life of ours, different than what it is now. Better than what it is now. Right now life is crazy, and most of the time a bit chaotic. But life won't stay that way! At least not quite like it is right now. Right now we have six kids, half that share our last name and half that don't, and it causes a divide that until things change we can only dream about what things'll be like on the other side. And so I do, I dream, and my dreams for the future are something I enjoy dreaming about. ♡

No More Empty Hooks

We moved on! Kind of... sort of...

One of the first things I did was replace the towel hooks on the back of the bathroom door. When their siblings were with us, before youngest arrived, we had the perfect amount of hooks with 6. Then little brother joined us and we were short one hook for the next 98 days. Then two siblings left and now I'd been looking at an empty hook for more than a year and a half. Every time I saw that empty hook I was heartbroken. We once had so many kids that we needed an another hook, but now we had a hook to spare. So finally, I bought new hooks. A set of 5, perfect for our family:

I made scrabble tiles to go above our kitchen table to spell out our names. I love it! And as I put them up Darrell, our oldest, asked me about putting up their siblings names, the ones that aren't with us anymore... I told him this is just for those who live here now, and they don't. 

Later I got this sign with our names on it in the mail, had no idea who sent it, and I cried. I cried because... because I wish there was more names. But I did my best to embrace it, and I gathered up some things I'd been meaning to hang up, and did this display on the wall above our couch:

When I saw Darrell write "dad of 3" on the back of Jared's car in the dirt of the window, and later, when I was driving, he changed it to say "mom of 3". I was both heartbroken and a bit.. I don't know. I felt like I'd finally done it! I got my family to move on!! And... I hated my accomplishment? Because though it was GOOD for us to move on, I never really wanted to move on... I wanted the others to be back before we'd had that chance. Almost 2 and a half years later we were just now moving on? It was definitely time...

In August I finally finished writing my letter to birth parents, and got it sent! I thought, finally! I can breathe! I got it sent! Done! Then the very next day I found out some things that got me worried, wondering, fearing, (and somewhat hoping) that their siblings might come back into care. Things didn't look or sound good at all from the update I read. I was horribly stressed and really struggling to MOVE ON! 

In September I went on a women's retreat. During the retreat I let it go. My stress? It was because I feared so badly that they could come into care and NOT come to us, and that somehow, if that happened, it'd be MY fault it happened. It was so hard... We sang songs like, "He's never gonna let, never gonna let me down...". And I thought, "But what if He does? And what about when...". Is God good even if they don't come back? Is God good even if He allows them to not return? Is.... I was told to let it go, to open the palms of my hands and let it go. And I cried. With tears streaming down my face, and my palms open, I quietly sang to God, "You've got the whole world in Your hands... I've got nothing in my hands...". And I placed it all, I placed them, the whole situation, everything in HIS hands. None of it was ever really in mine anyway. 

A week or two after I got back from retreat, my husband tells me that he wants to do a men's retreat. And so he started planning one! His topic: Make A Joyful Noise. He said he was going to have two sessions, the first one about the freedom to praise, the second about the power of praise. His example of freedom from the Old Testament with King David, and his example of the power of praise from the New Testament with Paul and Silas in jail. How you can praise God either way! Hearing about this? I was so excited to see his excitement to do this men's retreat. So proud of him, and proud to be called his wife. His topic? I felt he'd made it to the other side accepting they won't return. Even in the heartbreak, he would praise the Lord.

On October 6th I read Isaiah chapter 62, and a few of the verses stood out to me.

 

Isaiah‬ ‭62:1‭-‬12‬ ‭MEV‬‬ "[1] For the sake of Zion I will not keep silent, and for the sake of Jerusalem I will not rest until her righteousness goes forth as brightness and her salvation as a lamp that burns. [2] The nations shall see your righteousness, and all kings your glory. And you shall be called by a new name, which the mouth of the Lord shall name. [3] You shall also be a crown of glory in the hand of the Lord and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. [4] You shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be termed Desolate; but you shall be called My Delight Is In Her, and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married. [5] For as a young man marries a virgin, so your sons shall marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God shall rejoice over you. [6] I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem, who shall never hold their peace day nor night. You who remind the Lord, do not keep silent; [7] give Him no rest until He establishes and makes Jerusalem a glory in the earth. [8] The Lord has sworn by His right hand and by His strong arm: Surely I will no longer give your grain as food for your enemies; and the sons of the foreigners shall not drink your wine for which you have labored. [9] But those who have gathered it shall eat it and praise the Lord; and those who have brought it shall drink it in the courts of My sanctuary. [10] Go through, go through the gates. Prepare the way of the people; build up, build up the highway. Remove the stones; lift up a standard over the peoples. [11] The Lord has proclaimed to the ends of the earth: Say to the daughter of Zion, “See, your salvation comes; see, His reward is with Him, and His recompense before Him.” [12] They shall call them The Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you shall be called Sought Out, a City Not Forsaken." 

After I read those verses I walked the dog and my prayer during that time was different that day.  "You who remind the Lord, do not keep silent." Does God need me to remind Him? As I walked the dog I again picked up the thoughts about the names, the names for these kids! Names I feel GOD has given me for THEM. "And you shall be called by a new name, that the mouth of the Lord shall name." I want to take credit for the names that have been picked out for my kids, but more and more I can't! I prayed about those names. "God YOU picked out those names. I don't know about the newest name, but the others I know that was You. The way they lined up and everything, I didn't do that, that was You. And if YOU want those names to be their names? You're going to have to do it. I can't make them come back. And I can't make those names their names, I can't. Only YOU can do that. And each of the names? They have You in the name. I can't raise Darrell up right, I can't comfort James in the way that he needs and take away his anxieties, I can't make my son feel loved, I can't make her feel satisfied, I can't make Edwin who is the baby of the family feel remembered and not forgotten about when more kids get here, and I can't make the new baby who obviously has a different bio-dad than the others feel treasured. I can't! I can try as hard as I can, but I CAN'T make those things happen, I can't, only You can. Jeremiah; God will raise up, Nehemiah; God is my comfort, Jedidiah; beloved of the Lord, Elizabeth; God is my satisfaction, Zechariah; remembered of the Lord, Zephaniah; treasured by God. Your name is in all of them, I can't make these things happen. You might use me to make those things happen, but I can't do it myself, I can't." 

     Later that very day, I got "the call", and late that night we tucked in 6 kids.

     I don't know what to say about that day other than God heard my prayer. I tend to think that my prayers don't really matter. That my prayers can't MAKE God do anything. If God wants to do something, He'll do it, regardless of anything I myself have to say. And yet? And yet when I read my Bible I see over and over again God do things BECAUSE of someone's prayer. "You who remind the Lord, do not keep silent.". I believe God gave me these names I have for our kids, HE gave these names. And if He gave them?? He WILL establish them. He will make that come to pass. And in the meantime, I suppose I will stand in faith and remind the Lord until He does.

Un-Moving On/Un-Forgive

I think that's what I keep doing: I move on, and then I un-move on. I forgive, and then I un-forgive. And then I do it all over again... 

Back when I wrote about the name Irene Annabelle, I forgave! I forgave God for me never being pregnant. I told God that I will still love Him if He never takes away my reproach. And then next thing I know, a few months back, I was installing the "pre-mom app" and had bought pregnancy test strips because we were trying to conceive again...

The worst part about it all is that I knew before I installed the app, or bought the pregnancy test strips, that the real reason I wanted to get pregnant right now is because I've been depressed. I ALWAYS fall back on wanting to be pregnant when I get depressed. The excuses for wanting to be, the reasons behind "why" this time around might be different, BUT I have a huge habit of wanting to be pregnant when I get depressed and I know it and knew it before installing the app or buying the tests. I knew better, but anyway....

Trying to get pregnant is a mental distraction from whatever it is that I'm not wanting to think about. Let me just focus instead over here on test strips and timing and envisioning what it might be like to feel a baby moving around inside me and my kids getting to feel the baby kick and me needing to buy pregnancy clothes and nursing outfits and.... 

Satan is good at what he does, and I'm not good at fighting off his words. He knows my weak spots. This time around he came at me with fear that maybe I haven't NOT been getting pregnant all these years, maybe I have been and I've just been early miscarrying this whole time. Terrifying thought, absolutely terrifying. I tested at least once a week every week for the last several months and never saw two lines. My cycles were all over the place, one of them definitely seemed late, but I tested several times and there was never two lines. This fear that maybe I HAVE been getting pregnant all these years??? The stress was horrible, because then I felt it was my fault if I miscarry. That it was my fault if I've been miscarrying. And if I see two lines, and don't rush to the doctor fast enough to get on some sort of medication then I'd miscarry again and it'd be my fault...

You hearing the fear? Alongside the fear, I was also excited at the thought that maybe I could get pregnant? Maybe this could really happen? Maybe...

No, just, no. Why do I allow Satan to come at me in ways like this? I should EXPECT when I'm depressed that he'll come at me again in some sort of way to make me desire a pregnancy once again. And no matter what the reason is, I should throw it out the door.

I'm getting older! I wanted to be done growing our family by the time I'm 35, if I were pregnant now I'd be 35 already when the baby is born... Last chance to try! Running out of time! My timeline says...

God doesn't care about my timeline. He knows it, and He cares about it some because He knows I care about it, BUT! But my timeline?!? It means nothing. God can do what He wants, when He wants, and it'll be better than any time that I myself would come up with, right? And look at Abraham and Sarah, or Issac and Rebecca, or Zechariah and Elizabeth..... I don't think God was very concerned about THEIR timeline for things to happen. God made things happen in HIS good and perfect time.

Irene Annabelle is a name for me. The name speaks life into what I want for myself. A promise from God for this particular "feeling" I've dreamt of having for so long that I've had a taste of for a moment here and there over the years but never get to keep. That feeling is coming and it is going to stay. 

Irene = Peace

Anna = God is gracious/His grace is sufficient + belle = God is my satisfaction 

Nickname:

Ira-belle = Answer to my prayers

God will give me His peace, that longing for more will go away. God is gracious, and His grace is enough! He has blessed me already with MORE than I ever deserved, and if He NEVER blesses me again I will be ok because His blessings are more than enough already. My desire to mother WILL BE quenched with the satisfaction that can only be found in God. The answer to my prayers is that I will feel that my family is "complete". That we would feel whole. That I would have this peace and contentment in the size of my family. I have felt it, here and there over the years. There are these moments that stand out in my mind where things just felt "perfect". I looked at my family and was filled with so much love and joy and contentment and... I don't know! Things just felt perfect in those moments and I felt I could be happy for the rest of my life with what I already have right now. 

I miss the others. Our kids other siblings that we used to have. This is the hardest it has ever been to move on. I cried Monday over a few sets of clothes and their water cups that I still have for "just in case...". A couple of their old blankets... In moving on, do I toss the clothes? Do I toss their old water cups that are matchy to our boys cups? Do I...

I put it all back and walked away. I need to move on, but it's so hard!!!!! Maybe they'd fit in these few outfits still, I've already tossed so many that I know would already be too small, but these.... These clothes are my hopes and dreams of their return. My hopes and dreams that they'll be back in time to wear them before the season turns again or they age another year.

I forgave God for me never being pregnant and told Him I'd still love Him if He never takes away my reproach, but then I think I un-forgave Him as I tried again and begged for Him to make me pregnant. But moving on from dreaming and hoping and wishing that their other siblings would be with us again some day.... It is so much easier to try to accept and forgive God for me maybe NEVER being pregnant, but to accept and move on that their other siblings might NEVER be here? That is so much harder, so very much harder.

Irabelle. Irene Annabelle. If I can focus on the truths in that name. A new name God had given me. If I can learn those truths... I'll get there. God help me get there.

Walking The Line

I've been walking the line for so long. It's stressful, it's hard, but it's what I know and what I'm good at. I'm good at walking the line! I'm good at not stepping on toes. I'm good at keeping things to small talk and never getting to the heart of the matter because that stuff is messy. That stuff could cause conflict. That stuff... Just walk the line and you'll be fine. 

My book? The one I mentioned I had started writing? (Writing A Book). I haven't touched it in several months now. My book is about our story with our kids. I didn't want to write a book to begin with. Why? Because this story isn't just mine to tell. My kids deserve some privacy, it's THEIR story too, not just mine. And they're too young to read my book and approve of it. Also, the birth parents, it's kind of their story too, my side of it, but anyway.... I didn't want to write a book/don't want to write a book, because how do I tell this story when it's not just mine to tell and those that it is about aren't exactly able to approve....

Irene Annabelle. That new name God gave for me! My pseudonym! All I have to do is publish under a different name and no one has to know it was written by me...

So I started writing. And I wrote! I typed up pages after pages, chapter after chapter, and all the way I walked the line. I walked the line! It started with leaving out names, since I was leaving my name out I left out other people's names too. In fact, I didn't just leave out the names of other people, I didn't bother to give them NEW names, so the people I wrote about simply became nameless.

I'm a "foster" parent, names are confidential. My writing on this blog, or on any other social media platform, any names need to be left out. In fact, I was reprimanded once by someone at the office for using nicknames on social media that I had made up for my foster kiddos. Why? They said because the people who know would know that I'm talking about my foster kid. So when it came to social media?? I was supposed to pretend like my kiddos didn't exist?? I'm not to speak about them at all. Not one bit. And don't allow even the back of their head to be in any photos. Nothing. 

That phone call led me to create a new Facebook account under a nickname. My husband and I had been sharing an account all our marriage, but now I split off and made a new one and mine, which had become ours, now became his. I kept things that were confidential, confidential. Never shared their little faces in photos, never shared their real names, but I didn't act as though "mom" wasn't now part of my title. Pictures that didn't show their faces, I shared. And potty training updates, I shared. And other little things like that, which feel like big things as a parent, I shared! First teeth! Advice for a mama with a teething kiddo? So excited about first steps! My son went to daycare today in underwear and stayed dry!!!!! I never talked "case" stuff, just mom stuff, mom stuff minus sharing their little faces and their names.

Now I'm writing a book and I don't know which lines I can cross and which ones to not cross. I've been careful as I write to not step on toes. So I tell the truth, but maybe not the whole truth, because all of the truth might be too much. I'll talk about people, but not give names, not give any names. I'll tell you about this one thing that happened, but not give you any details, because the details feel confidential? But then the details are why....

I wrote through us adopting our first two sons, Darrell and James, without ever typing out their birth names or their new first names. I wrote through 2015-2019. So much I wrote! And then I got to January 2020 and got stuck. January 2020 introduces the next two siblings entering into our home, another brother and their sister. On here I can't say their names, but in my book? I got to them and I went, "How?!?! How can I not share their names?!?!?!". And I thought through so much about their names and how much thought went into picking out what their new names would be, should they be adopted, and.... How?! How can I continue to not name people??? Brother's new name?? His new name was picked out because of it's connection to his birth name. And then I thought of the next son after him, our now adopted Edwin, and his name?!?!? How in the world can I tell his story without telling his name? Our story with him STARTS with his name, how can I leave that out? I can't, I just don't think I can do it.

So now what? I have 65 pages typed walking the line. I'm not sure what to do, so it's been months without me touching my book. I think it's time for a do-over. Maybe I review things from the beginning and add in the things I left out? Or maybe I start over? Open up a new draft and begin this story again from the beginning? Or.... I don't know. But I think this time around maybe I'll write this story as though I'm writing it to my children; my adult children. There's no reason I can't share names with them, right?

This book I've been writing, that I've not worked on in a while, shares my heart. As I wrote those 65 pages I questioned, "what is this book about?". And, "who is this book for?". And I think that's partly why I haven't picked up writing it again just yet, I'm still trying to answer those questions. This book is about my faith, it's about foster care, it's about my emotional struggle with infertility, it's about depression, it's about our relationship with our kids birth parents... I just want one thing to pinpoint it on, and I'm not sure where to place the pin. It's about all of it and more. And who is this book for? Who is the audience I'm trying to write to? That's hard to say. Am I hoping to encourage others who are struggling with infertility? Am I hoping to share with foster parents a heart for the birth parents of their kids? Am I hoping to show birth parents what a struggle it is being on this side of things? It's not all sunshine and daisies on this side of the foster care system either, lemme tell ya... Who?? Why am I writing this??

As I work to answer these questions one thing seems clear, I need to step off the line I've been walking for so long. And doing that? That's a scary thought.

Should Be On Cloud 9

I wish I were on cloud nine. Everyone thinks I should be on cloud nine. We just had another adoption!!! Edwin Zechariah is ours!!! Legally, officially, ours. Has been since June 14th. But cloud nine? I'm not there. On the day of his adoption I felt more excitement over my sister starting a new job that day than I did about us going to court, why? Because of trauma. 

     Everyone talks about how kids in foster care have been through trauma and how traumatic it is for them being in foster care, but do people talk about the trauma that foster parents go through AS foster parents?? Not really, no, that trauma is often kept rather silent. People say it must be "hard" saying goodbye to foster kids who leave, so at least the grief of a goodbye is acknowledged some, but the grief of a goodbye is only a fraction of the trauma we've gone through.

     We didn't announce loudly our adoption date this time, and I looked back at when we adopted our first, Darrell, and how... Innocent? Nieve? How... How untainted that one was! Well, at least until the night before the adoption, the night before his adoption I got a call from his aunt letting me know about the situation with his little brother and how he was about to enter foster care himself and..... I went to bed the night before Darrell's adoption with a HORRIBLE headache, BUT! But the leading up to his adoption?? The excitement! The countdown that we had going on Facebook leading up to the big day! Inviting my family to join us at the courthouse for the adoption and being so excited about it all. Oh how I wished that I could have felt such excitement leading up to Edwin's adoption...

     Looking back at James' adoption? I could hardly wait to hear when his adoption date would be! And then when I heard it? I clammed up. Deer caught in the headlights with fear that it wouldn't really happen. I got the news in a voicemail and didn't even call my husband to tell him myself, I just forwarded the voicemail to his number. My husband was excited! He wanted to do the countdown again! I think he did it, but I didn't join in. I really struggled to get excited, irrational fear that somehow when we went to the courthouse on his big day that something would change and we wouldn't get to leave with him.

     And now? Now we've had Edwin's adoption!!! We quietly did a countdown this time in a chat group. I was a part of it! I did most of the countdown numbers myself!! But a post for all our family and friends to see on Facebook about when we'd be adopting our little guy? Nope! Funny how I was so afraid that James' adoption wouldn't happen on the adoption date we were given, and it did! But Edwin's? It didn't. I was trying to NOT be afraid the December court date we were given for Edwin was too good to be true, and then it was. It was! In fact it was another 6 months later before we finally got our new date. More trauma...

     It was once predicted by an adoption specialist that we would have an adoption in January 2021 of the two siblings that are between James and Edwin, another brother and a sister, who we had back then with a goal of adoption on their case. Things didn't proceed as planned that court date back in November of 2020, termination of parental rights only happened on mom that day instead of both parents, and in January? When we were predicted to have an adoption? Instead we got a goal change back to reunification for them to return to their dad. He'd been in jail the whole case so far, but he was back out now, so.... Anyway, long story short, dad got them back. Now a goal change to adoption doesn't mean as much to us anymore because we see how easily we can lose that goal, we had had a goal of only adoption on their case for 6 months straight when it got changed back. We had started calling them by new names.....

     

Edwin's adoption happened more than a month ago now, and I'm still struggling. I remember when he would leave us for 4 days to have visits with his mom, then we'd have him for 4 nights, then she'd have him for 4 days.... It was horrible. I'd bring him to her at 10:00 Friday mornings, and my husband would get him back from her at 5:00 Monday nights. I counted up hours one time, she got more daylight hours with him than we did. She got 4 days, we got 4 nights. I started to wonder who was getting the visit, her or us? On the weekends I was a mom of 2, and in the middle of the week a mom of 3. The weekends started to feel "normal". While Edwin was away at visits things started to feel NORMAL him not being here anymore. And then he'd come back and I'd hold him and HOW COULD I EVER THINK that I could be ok without him?!?!?!? When I'd put him to sleep I would just stay by his side and listen to him breathe, I never wanted to leave his side. It's been more than a year and a half since those long visits were happening, and I'm still holding on. I'm still holding on so tightly... 

     "You're mine. Edwin Zechariah. You're mine. Mine, mine, mine. You're going to be mine forever and ever and ever. I'm always going to be your mom. You're my son. I love you so so so very much. Sooo very much. Mine. Edwin Zechariah. My Edwin. You're mine."

Instead of on cloud nine, I've been depressed. I'm so very tired. I'm craving books and movies and tv shows to get my mind off things. I'm not even sure what I'm getting my mind off of, but the craving for distraction is strong. I'm not enjoying life to the fullest like I should be. 

 

One week after Edwin's adoption I had to take him to the doctor, he had blood in his stools! I cried so hard one night in the middle of the night because he got up needing to poop and there was still blood and... What if he was misdiagnosed?!? What if he has internal bleeding going on right now and we lose him?!? We just adopted him!!!! I can't, I can't, I can't..... I stayed by his side for the rest of the night. His fever broke that night, and he started feeling better the next day. Was a few more days before all the blood went away, but google said it could be a few days for that.

     I hate that his appointment I had to make under his birth name. His prescription was under his birth name. Still have doctors appointments and such I have to talk on the phone to people using his birth name instead of his new name. Yesterday we got his new birth certificate in the mail! So today I intend to go to the Social Security Office to get his name and number officially changed, and then after I get his new card I can get his name updated with everything else. He's ours! But having to make appointments under his birth name still..... 

     His case is closed, but it doesn't feel over. I still have this checklist of things to get done so that everything says his new name. Apply for the new social security card, get the new social security card, take the new social security card to the DHS office so they can update his medicaid, then go to the Health Department so they can update his name on his shot records too. Then I think that's it? Today is a big one, today we apply for the new social.

His case is closed, but it doesn't feel over. Honestly I don't know if both his cases are closed yet, since he's from another state he has a foster care case and an ICPC case. He's adopted, he's not in foster care anymore! But has the ICPC department been properly notified yet of this change? James was also from another state and had an ICPC case, we found out 5 months after his adoption that he still had an ICPC case open and they wanted to do an in-home visit because of it. Is Edwin's closed yet? Will I get a call/text soon for an in-home visit? We're still a licensed foster home, partly because we can't close as long as the ICPC is still open. And partly because.... there's others!!!!

 

It doesn't feel over yet, it so doesn't feel over yet. It's been more than 2 years now since the others left our home, and I still wonder all the time if they'll ever be back. And there's a new one! There's now an even younger brother out there, he's about 5 months old now I think? If when I heard baby brother was born is correct... 5 months old! They have siblings out there that are a 5 year old brother, a 4 year old sister, and now another brother who is only months old. I don't know how they are doing. We haven't heard anything from their birth parents in more than a year. The few glimpses I've seen through the small window of things posted publicly on social media... I'm worried dad might be falling back into his old ways, and old ways involve not being clean and sober... I worry. Now that Edwin's adopted we no longer have the office between us and I could reach out...

     I want to reach out, and I don't. I also really really don't. The emotions involved in the process of reaching out to them again... I think that might be why I'm depressed and craving distractions? Because it's time to reach out again and I'm avoiding the thoughts of actually doing it. Maybe they are doing well! Maybe they are great! Maybe the things I've seen on Facebook... Well can you really believe anything you see on Facebook? That stuff that looks like he might be falling back off the bandwagon doesn't mean he actually is, and even if he is! Doesn't mean he won't straighten up and do better before something happens! You know??? 

     Oh how I wish I could see their little faces again... I wish I could see baby brother's face... He's 5 months old and I have no idea what he looks like? And how have the others aged? Do they still.... Will they even remember me? It feels so long ago....

My heart hurts for so many reasons, cloud 9 is not where I'm at, and I don't know how to get there.