I've realized recently that there are a couple of very important aspects of my story that I've been in denial over existing for quite some time. One is that I'm a "barren" woman. Or at least I have been for the last 16 years, I might not be anymore. But those 16 years? They exist. They exist and they have helped in shaping me into who I am today. But I've been in denial and have masked my infertility with my children for the last (almost) 10 years. And my children? The second thing I've been in denial over goes with the first, that my children aren't biologically mine. My kids were "foster" kids, and now I have three that are forever mine. Foster? Don't much care for that word either. My kids feel like mine, and I want to forget that foster was ever a part of it. This last time being a foster parent? I felt it so much more! I love when I go out in public and people ask me "are they all yours?" and I proudly reply "yes." This time though? I felt a kink in my mask that people might not believe me anymore me trying to claim them as all biologically mine. Maybe that's not what people are asking when they ask that, maybe biologically isn't at all on their minds, but with my barrenness? It's always on mine. That's always where my mind goes, wondering biologically if all the kids are mom's kids. If I were to ever ask that, that's what I'm wondering, did you birth all these children? I love my mask. I love thinking that people think I've birthed all these kids! But this last time I felt a kink in my mask as one of my precious children this time around was bi-racial. That gorgeous little darker skinned boy with the most beautiful smile in the world (I can't help myself thinking toddlers have the most precious smiles), yep! He's mine! I would say yes to that question about all my kids being mine, and then I would wonder if they then saw him and didn't believe me. My kids might not look much like me, but that one particular boy was obviously not the product of my husband and I together. If all these kids are mine biologically, then something must have happened that this boy has a different dad...
I loved going to a new church and people not knowing my kids were adopted. Them being adopted is NOT their defining description. But I will intentionally keep that quiet as long as I can. Worst part was, when we started going there, the youngest wasn't adopted yet, and then he started having weekend visits with his birth mom... I could have lost him, and him never return! And these people weren't a part of my support system at all because I didn't even bother to tell them he wasn't mine. I just let them wonder when he started not being there on Sunday mornings with us...
We're in a different place now with those in our church, they know now. I let them know beforehand that our kids have other siblings out there. I let them know when I heard mama was pregnant again. And when the day came that their siblings joined our family, our church rejoiced in seeing us take up a whole pew with all our kids. They've loved us, and supported us, and have been praying for us, and when the kids left? They grieve with us too. There have been no ugly words from anyone about their birth parents. There have been words of concern as people pray that that their birth parents are able to overcome all that they'll need to overcome to be able to care for these kids. I wish I could have ignored that they were foster, but this was the most fostering foster care case we've ever had. That word got used a lot this time around as the kids were older and wanted to know why things were different for them than the others. Why did they go to visits, and the others didn't? Why did they go to public school, but the others got to be homeschooled? Why was our 4 year old boy allowed to come to mom and dad's bed in the middle of the night, but our 5 year old girl was told she couldn't climb into our bed? Because he's adopted and you're foster. It's against the rules, she can't! It doesn't matter if she's had a bad dream, or if she begs and begs me to lay down next to her when I put her to sleep, I'm not allowed to do that because she's "foster". Seemed like every where I turned, that word foster kept coming out making a defining line between biological siblings in our home. Did I mention they were ALL biological siblings?! But half were foster and half now had our last name. Constantly I felt reminded of that fact.
Anyway, where was I? Barren and foster; words I don't like, words I wish to ignore whenever possible. I got to ignore them for a time. I got to pretend like I had three precious boys that were biologically mine and that we never suffered through infertility or anything to get them. Then my family grew more, and it grew more in a way that I couldn't hide behind my masks anymore. Y'all, I'm tired.
God asked me the other day, "Aren't you tired of striving?". YES!!!! Yes I am. I'm not even sure what I'm striving with, but I know I'm tired. I'm so tired. "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) Rest sounds so good! Jared and I both recently were wondering what that word "rest" means in that verse. Jared looked it up and it means "pause". And I want to cry! Even though we all know that rest means to take a break, somehow that word pause just seems so much worse. Because when I think pause? All I can think is how it'll resume and I'm not ready. Guys I want them back so bad!!!!!!!!!!! Please don't think I don't love them and wish they were still here. But guys? I also selfishly think.... can it wait a while? It wouldn't hurt if it takes a while before they come back....
Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
It's funny, when I quoted this scripture to my husband this morning, I quoted what I remembered of verse 28 and 30, I completely forgot about verse 29. I remembered that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light, but I completely forgot how we are to take His yoke upon us. How do we partner up with Him so that we aren't carrying the burden alone anymore? How do we find rest for our souls? We let Him teach us. And if we let Him teach us? He says we WILL find rest for our souls. I wonder if that other word for rest is the same as the first word for rest... I just want to breathe again.
Tonight is my first online Bible study with the Sisterhood of Infertility that I signed up for. I almost didn't sign up for it, because last year God said that I'm going to be pregnant! And so, maybe I am now? And if I am now, or soon will be, then why should I join a Bible study that's studying the barren women of the Bible? Why should I join in on a group of women studying together that are infertile? That's not me anymore! Maybe I've held my breath long enough and can come back out from under this rock of infertility and pretend like it hasn't been weighing on me all these years because it's finally gone! But you know what? Those years will always have a defining role in my life. I am who I am today because I was once... And when the time comes that I can tell you all that I'm pregnant? I will have even more in common with most of those women we will be studying about, because like Sarah, and Rebecca, and Elizabeth and more, I won't stay barren. But my barrenness? That part of their story was never forgotten. My being barren for however many years will be a part of my testimony about what God can do.
And on another note, I'm reading a devotional right now, Filled by Jamie C. Finn. I've been wanting to get it for a while, and finally did. On the front cover though it says, "60 Devotions for the Foster Parent's Heart". And I want to gag on that word foster because... That's not me anymore? We don't have any foster kids anymore, and even when they were foster I never liked thinking of them as "foster", and... But that is a part of my story. And there are things that she understands from her viewpoint that many others just don't get. I follow her on Facebook and know her heart, that's why I wanted to get her book! She's dealt with so many things, many things that we never did, and many things that mirror our own heartbreaks, and.... And I almost didn't get it because of this word "foster" that I wish I could ignore. It's a part of my story. A defining part of my story. I was a foster mom for almost 10 years, and the trials and hardships and heartbreaks that we went through will always have an affect on our lives. And you know what?! The beauty on the other side will be a testimony of what God can do.
It's time for me to embrace these defining words, instead of trying to ignore that they exist. I think we probably all have words that are a part of who we are, that we wish weren't true, but regardless of our feelings, those things will always remain. We can either learn to embrace who God created us to be and choose to believe these are NOT flaws in His design, or we can ignore them and pretend these labels don't exist and strive to keep ourselves masked to the world. I'm tired of striving. So...
Hi, my name is Suzanna. My husband and I have been barren for the last 16 years. This blog was created because I needed an outlet for dealing with emotions due to infertility (I refer to this sometimes as my old infertility blog, because that's why it was created). My husband and I have adopted 3 amazing brothers through foster care, a world that I sometimes wish I still knew nothing about, but a world God wanted me to be a part of. God has given me a new heart throughout our journey as foster parents, a heart that is still learning and growing, but definitely different than it started out. Whether or not the words "barren" or "foster" currently apply to my situation in life, they will always be defining aspects of how God brought me to be who I am today.