Time To Fight

Apollo Creed: "He's gettin' killed!"

Paulie: "Oh no, no, no! He's not gettin' killed; he's gettin' mad!" (Rocky III)

God has finally told me to get up and fight, but it's not the fight I was wanting. I want to stand up and fight! Fight for these kids in my home to never leave my home. I want to fight for my kids by fighting against their birth parents. And God says no. Again and again He says no. We are not to fight against them. God said it will not be necessary for us to fight in this conflict, that we are to get ready, stand, and watch for the deliverance of the Lord for us. This is His fight, not ours. As we neared our last two court hearings, I heard a sermon by Pastor Daniel on 2 Kings 6:8-23 about when Elisha and his servant had an army surrounding them and Elisha said, "There are more with us than with them." And he prayed his servant's eyes be opened...

     In this historical account the Arameans had been coming up against Israel, but Elisha kept telling the King of Israel where the Arameans planned to strike next, so over and over again the Arameans would come to fight and the Israelites wouldn't be there. This frustrated the King of Aram, and so he asked who among his party sided with the King of Israel. Who is the spy?? And one of his people tells him that there is a prophet in Israel named Elisha that tells the King of Israel everything, that he even knows the words he speaks in his bedroom. So during the night the King of Aram sends a huge army to Elisha's doorstep, and when Elisha's servant goes outside the next morning he sees this huge army surrounding them and he says, "Alas, my master! What shall we do?" and Elisha says for him to do nothing and instead prays that God would change his servant's perspective. Elisha wasn't worried! He was calm. He hears the words of his servant's panic and says, "Don't be afraid, for there are more with us than with them." Then Elisha prayed, "Lord, open his eyes and let him see." So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire surrounding Elisha. That army that came up against them? It wasn't destroyed. No instead Elisha has God strike the army of the Arameans with blindness and then he leads them to the King of Israel! The King of who they were wanting to fight; the leader of their enemy. Elisha has their blindness taken away, they see where they are at now, and the first thing they hear is the King of Israel asking Elisha if he wants him to have this army killed. He asks twice; shall I kill them? And Elisha says no! He answered, "You shall not kill them. Did you capture with your sword and with your bow those whom you want to kill? Set bread and water before them, and let them eat and drink, and then go to their master." The King of Israel goes above and beyond bread and water and prepares for them a great banquet. After the army ate and drank, they went home. And the Aramean raiders did not enter into the land of Israel again.

     It's a crazy story. Why didn't Elisha have his enemy wiped out? He's calm, cool, collected. His servant is panicking and he tells him, there's more with us than with them. And then the situation doesn't change! He prays his servant's eyes be opened. Perspective changed, the situation did not! The enemy was still there! And then what does Elisha do? He leads them to the banquet table of their enemy, feeds them, and sends them home. What? Instead of killing those who were trying to kill them, they are fed a feast and sent home. God's view of our enemies is often very different than ours; He shows radical love.

     At the end of Pastor Daniel's sermon he asked two questions: What situation do you need to see through God's perspective? And who do you need to see with God's perspective?

     What??? I'm not to fight? Again?! But court is about to happen, and... But I want to fight! "There are more with us than with them." Fine, I won't fight.

     Between one court hearing and the next (only a few days) an investigation was opened up on us for "suspicious bruising" on one of the foster children in our home. We're pretty sure it was birth dad who made that report as he had posted something ugly about us the day before saying something about bruises on said child. We wish we could hide from our kids that birth parents have risen up against us. To shield them from knowing they've made themselves our enemy. But that report? It caused someone to go out to the school to interview both our school aged foster kids, and then come out to our home to interview all our adopted kids, and myself and my husband as well. They had to ask our children questions like if there is anywhere they don't like being touched, and how are they disciplined in our home, and so on. Interviewed individually, privately, by a stranger, uncomfortable questions. Our home isn't perfect by any means, but we have nothing to hide. I was not worried they would find something wrong with our home, but I hated this for our kids. Darrell learns more case type stuff every time, every time he is older, every time he has more questions, every time... He knows we think it was birth dad who made the report, because he said something on Facebook before we got that call. Later Darrell tells me, "They're not going to get what they want! If they find something, they'll leave our house, but they won't go back to them! And if they don't, that just makes them look bad too for causing trouble." Darrell understood what the results of those interviews could cause. He also understood that his siblings would end up in a different foster home if things went poorly, maybe in multiple ones. His birth parents coming up against us? Caused Darrell to start having nightmares of them trying to sabotage things in our home. I've explained to Darrell that I don't believe his birth dad really believes the things he's saying right now, he's just mad. I asked him, "When you get mad and you say, "I hate you." to one of your siblings, do you really hate them? Do you really hate any of your siblings? No, you're just mad. And when you're mad, you say things you don't mean. I know your birth dad trusts us, because he's told us before that he does. He knows they are safe here, he's just mad."

     That second court hearing lasted 3 and a half hours, and there were more on our side than theirs. It was not necessary for us to fight.

     This Sunday I heard Pastor Nevin talk about Rocky Balboa. I've been getting beat up. Taking all these punches, and just turning the other cheek, waiting for the next blow. I was told this Sunday it's time to get up. It's time to get up and fight. It's time to fight for the relationships the Enemy wants destroyed. "He's not gettin' killed, he's gettin' mad." It's easy to sit back and let birth dad destroy any chance him and birth mom have at knowing their kids as they grow up. Let them kill the hopes and dreams I have for the future for them and our family. To sit back and just let the damage be done. But it's time to get up, it's time to fight, and the fighting? It IS fighting for our kids, it's fighting for relationship. I can't make Darrell forgive his birth parents for the way they have been behaving. I can't make the memories of the nightmares he's had go away. I can't make things good between him and them, or any of the other kids and them for that matter, BUT! But we can set the example.

     Pastor Nevin was teaching on the parable of the talents, how each man was given the amount TO THEIR ABILITY by the Master. Take what God has given you and USE IT to the BEST of your ABILITY for God's glory. What has God given you? And are you doing your BEST to use it for His glory? Are you? Why am I letting the Enemy come along and beat me up and not doing anything to get up and fight back? Why do I take what God has given me and hide it in the ground and pretend like I have nothing to fight back with? It's time to fight back! But fight back in the way that GOD WANTS. With what He has GIVEN us to fight back with in radical love to our enemies.

The day before being told it's time to get up and fight, Jared and Edwin picked out a birthday card for birth dad while they were at the store. Birth dad's birthday would be happening between the next visit and the one following. On the way home from church, after hearing it's time to fight, the card didn't seem like enough. What do we know about dad? What does he like? We've known him so long now, and we know nothing about him, what do we get him for his birthday? The very next day God gave us the answer. I fully believe that was God. The next day there was a staffing, and during the staffing dad was asked by the caseworker if there was anything he needed, and at first he didn't answer. But then he said he needed some steel-toed boots for work, and he even said what size he wears!!! When Jared told me later he wanted to get him some boots, I was just... How did you find out he needed them? That sounded like the perfect gift! But how did he find out he needed them? Then Jared told me about the exchange between the caseworker and dad during the staffing Jared had attended that morning. I think that was God answering us wanting to know what we could get him for his birthday. We also got him cupcakes, and some number candles for his age, and I let all the kids color/paint him birthday pictures if they wanted to (even Darrell chose to do one). And I wrapped that box of boots in birthday wrapping paper before I sent it all with the worker who picked the kids up for their visit.

     I'm not telling you all this to bring attention to us, this is us simply using what God has given us to the best of our ability. Birth dad's reaction was tears. I'm told he was overwhelmed by our kindness. He later reached out to Jared to say thank you, told us he cried like a baby, that he hadn't had something like that for his birthday in 20 years, and that he was wearing the boots now at work. 

I don't expect things to be great between us and them from here on out, but I do hope that like with Elisha and the Arameans coming up against Israel, that this will be the end of birth parents rising up against us. That the animosity that has been clearly and strongly felt towards Jared from birth dad when he's gone to these court hearings... I pray that is gone. It's broken. It's over. We are not the enemy. Jared told the caseworker after the last court hearing, that birth dad can get as angry as he wants to at us, but we didn't cause any of this; none of this is our fault. And it's true! We're not the enemy they chose to see us as, and by God's grace I hope they see and understand that once again now.

"So whether rich or poor, developing the discipline of contentment demands that we submit both our anxiety and our greed to the Lord." 

-Barbra Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Woman.

I have this fear I've been working to let go of, this fear I'll never be content, or that contentment will never last. Agur writes in Proverbs 30:15 "The leech has two daughters crying, "Give, give." There are three things that are never satisfied, indeed four things never say, "It is enough": the grave, the barren womb, the earth that is not filled with water, and the fire that never says, "It is enough."

Repetitious Thought 6/3/2018

There's this thing I envy I've heard people say,

that their family is "complete".

But there's this thought that often rings through my head,

forever leaving mine with an empty seat: I want a baby.

Every time my heart feels sad,

Every time it's despairingly heavy,

Every time depression lean on me,

I think one thing: I want a baby.

I'll think I'm satisfied with what I have,

That I'm content with my kids,

That it doesn't matter my womb or not,

And then.... this: I want a baby.

The thought plagues me,

Wish it would go away,

"The barren womb is never satisfied."

I have this fear that it'll stay.

I knew one would never be enough,

but I thought two could be,

now three sounds pretty good,

*sigh* How can I want a baby?

It's not fair.

Not fair that my womb stays bare.

I try so hard to simply not care.

And then.... "I want a baby."

No, it's not true!

I argue with myself again, and again, and again,

God help me out!

Aren't You my friend?

Is it because my womb is empty?

Or that You have another for my arms?

Or is it Satan poking at me,

wanting to cause me more harm?

Again I think:... I want a baby.......

I once lost a friend, cut her out of my life for a while, because she spoke into this fear of mine, and I couldn't handle it. We were getting ready to buy the house we're in now and she asked, "Will it be big enough? Because I know you, you'll want the next one, and the next one, and the next one." Her referring to us wanting placement to more biological siblings of our adopted kids. I couldn't handle it. We quit talking for more than a year.

Some time after it was prophesied to me that I would be pregnant and have baby Ira-Belle, I spoke the same words over myself that my friend did. I said, "I know me, I'll want a another pregnancy. If they don't come back, I'll want another girl, so my daughter has a roommate. And if they do come back? I'd kind of like a boy, so I have one biological in the girls room, and one in the boys room." So even though the thought of two triple bunks in the boys room overwhelmed me, I started picturing it anyway and thinking up names....

I did like King Saul, I justified my actions/thoughts. God told me to pray for baby Ira-Belle, but I started praying beyond her. I started praying for the son I believed would follow afterwards, certain the others would return some day and a son is who I'd be wanting....

King Saul was told to destroy all the animals, but he kept some. He kept the best animals there were so he could give them as a burnt sacrifice to the Lord. He thought he was doing "better" than what God asked of him. And then there was that time where King Saul got impatient and he "forced himself" to give a burnt offering even though he wasn't a prophet or of the Levitical priesthood because of various reasons... He convinced himself, "forced" himself, to do what he felt HAD to be done.
     I did that too. You see God told me to pray for baby Ira-Belle, and I forced myself to pray beyond her. Convinced myself I was doing better than what God asked of me. "God I believe so much that You can make me pregnant, I believe You can do it twice." Sometimes my brain wanted to think of a third pregnancy even, maybe a son and another daughter too. "What if God takes away our infertility and makes us fertile? I could be pregnant again, maybe even more than once!"

     I let my mind run rampant with these thoughts, convinced myself I would have a son after Irene.

Know what my thoughts were before this thought entered my mind? "One and done, one and done..." Stressed trying to convince myself that just one pregnancy would be enough to satisfy me.

"... the discipline of contentment demands that we submit both our anxiety and our greed to the Lord."

Both, we have to submit both.

When I looked up the scripture reference the other day for where it says, "Thou shalt not covet..." it surprised me that it was Exodus 20:17. Why? Because the other verse that means so much to me I mentioned in the post before it, 2 Chronicles 20:17 "It will not be necessary for you to fight in this conflict. Take your positions, stand, and watch the deliverance of the Lord for you O Judah and Jerusalem." Both are 20:17, and they address both my anxiety and my greed.

My anxiety says I HAVE to convince myself one way or the other. I have to DO something. I HAVE to KNOW. I HAVE to.... whatever!!!! My anxiety has me striving for whatever. My anxiety has me fighting. My anxiety doesn't know how to trust, it only knows how to worry and plan and.... God just tell me what to DO!!!! Because I DON'T trust He can do it without my help. Ouch. 

     But 2 Chronicles 20:17 says it will NOT be necessary for me to fight. This is the LORD'S battle. This isn't MINE. He says to stand and watch what HE will do. He will do it, not me. It will not be me.

My greed says I will NEVER be satisfied. I've lived with this longing for too long. I don't know how to let it go, it never will leave me, it can't. Every time I think I'm past it, it's back! Just when I think I'm good now, here it comes knocking. It plagues me. I don't believe God can rid me of it. I don't truly believe that God can satisfy me. Ouch.

     Exodus 20:17 says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors.... anything." God has a story for me, that's for me and me alone. I look and see these other people who have adopted and then had biological kids... and they had more than one pregnancy. I hear of someone who God opened their womb, and they had more than one pregnancy. I see.....

     My heart's deepest desire is to feel my family is "complete". That the desire for more goes away. Desire To Mother is the name of this blog, and I want to feel that desire in me satisfied. Quenched. Never present again. Full hands, full heart, not feeling there's still an empty seat or bed or.....

     Irene means "peace". I just want peace. I just want to feel complete peace over the size of my family. Do I believe God can bring it? 

I admitted to you guys the other day the greed within me for their siblings to return. The greed within me that didn't just want them back, but I wanted their baby sister too. I had never truly let go of any of them, I was just waiting and watching for them to come our way. I admitted it, and I let it go.

Today I am admitting to you fear, a fear I have had for a long time. That Agur's words that say the barren womb is never satisfied, that it never says it is enough. A fear that says he's talking about me. When it was spoken over me many months ago that I am NOT barren anymore, was told that title is no longer mine, I never let it go. I convinced myself that I DID let it go, because now somehow I started thinking maybe I'd not only get pregnant the once, but I might get pregnant again, maybe even again after that.... THAT is the barren mindset that Agur wrote about in Proverbs 30:15.

"The leech has two daughters crying, "Give, give.". I have felt the daughters of the leech crying give, give, on my life for too long. I released the first when I admitted my greed for their siblings to be here, and today I release the second as I admit my greed for a pregnancy beyond that which God has promised me. I do not want these "daughters of the leech" on my life anymore.

God I ask You to help me. Help me to submit both my anxiety and my greed to You. No more fighting, no more striving, stand and watch what YOU will do. Because God You are doing something!!! You are. I know You are because You have said You are. Help me to trust You more. Grow my faith. I have said I let go of my greed, help me to not pick it back up. It's gone, I'm done with it, I don't want that greed in me anymore. Help me to overcome. Make me an overcomer Lord. I can't do this without You. Amen.

My Motherhood Journey

 Saturday, February 27, 2010

Desire to Mother

'It's like being hungry

or having to pee' 

I once heard it said, 

wanting to have a baby. 

I know how she felt 

for I feel that way as well. 

It's difficult to explain, 

difficult to tell. 

Each month it gets harder, 

every time you're more eager. 

You get depressed, 

you feel your time will be never. 

The old wives tale, 

that babies come in threes, 

One... Two... Three... 

Again it's not me. 

They all assume you're waiting, 

which makes you want to cry. 

They encourage, say that's great, 

you don't tell them that you try. 

You try not to get your hopes up, 

but your hopes are defiant. 

So you keep on planning, 

how to say that you're pregnant. 

Will you ever get your baby? 

Will I ever get mine? 

You're tired of hearing, 

'Just wait some time' 

It's like a hole in your chest, 

you feel so alone. 

Am I really this desperate? 

*Theses feelings not shown* 

What if we can't have one? 

The doubts begin to start. 

If we couldn't have one, 

would God put that desire in my heart? 

Don't know what the future holds, 

we'll just have to wait and see. 

Hope my husband gets home soon now.

Need to try again for that baby.

----------------------------------------------

May 8th 2017

Another Mother's Day

Mother's Day is hard for me,

Because for so long I longed to be a mommy.

Becoming a foster mom, in part,

made my dreams come true.

But that "foster" part?

is a difficult thing to do.

I've lost so many children,

in so little time.

More than one of which,

I wished forever'd be mine.

I now have an adopted son,

maybe more adopted later.

And though having him helps,

it doesn't make things all better.

Even though I know I shouldn't,

Mother's Day I dread.

Wish I could simply ignore,

it's existence instead.

-----------------------------------

Poem: Why?

We were doing a Ladies Bible Study at church. I hadn't written many poems in a while, but we were given homework and our homework was to write a poem; a poem entitled "Why?". That's it. That's all the info for our homework we were given. No pointers on what it was to be about, just... Why? It didn't take me long to figure out the topic for my poem.

   In October our 3 year old foster son, "Ronny", who was now 4, left our home. He'd been with us just one week shy of a year. The adoptive parents said they wanted to stay in touch, but months went by with them not contacting us. My heart? Torn.

   In April we had gotten Darrell's little brother placed with us. But because of jurisdictional problems with how he came into foster care, he returned home to his birth parents before the week was out. Thought if he ever came to us... if he ever did.... thought he'd never leave. He was 2 and a half months old. We had a new name picked out for him, but called him Bubba because we weren't ready to use it yet. When he left? We went on hiatus. Our adoption of Darrell had just happened, and without Bubba here anymore, we currently had no foster kids. So we took a break. Shut our doors while we tried to move on.

   In May our old 3 year old, I mean 4 year old Ronny, got adopted. Someone sent me a message when they saw the adoption photos on Facebook. I thought I had moved on. I thought I was passed the heartache of Ronny leaving. But seeing that kind of proof that he'd never return...... I found there was a lot more hurt in my heart than I realized; I found myself angry with God for the pain that I felt.

   Here's the poem that I wrote:

***********************

June 18th 2017

Why?

What I always wanted to be;

   You denied me.

You called me to another way,

   at first I selfishly obeyed.

One step closer, but wanting more.

   parenthood like I'd never dreamed before.

Why? Why? Why God, WHY?!?

   Why must my dreams of motherhood die?

This foster title takes so much away,

   especially when so many don't stay.

Why must my heart break again and again??

   Constantly I let selfishness slip in.

If You'd have just given me my own..

   this pain I feel I'd never have known.

But You lifted a veil, and now I see;

   Constantly reminded it's not about me.

My heart breaks for the child who had to say goodbye.

   Sometimes it breaks for the family, or angry tears I cry.

Why God? Why must I feel this pain?

   Sometimes I wish ignorance I could regain....

----------

My child, My sweet child,

I know how much it hurts you so.

But there are others who need My love,

and without the pain you would never go.

Go where I need you child;

be My hands and feet.

There are so many lost souls,

I have yet for you to meet.

I need for you to hurt,

to see them as I do.

These families are precious to Me,

just as precious as you.

Come to Me child,

rest in My embrace.

If you will only let Me,

I'll wipe the tears from your face.

What you are doing now,

is part of a greater plan.

One day you will see,

how much you were My feet and hands.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I've Made Peace

Winter/Spring 2025

I've made peace with it.
I, myself, on my own.
I'm good, I'm content,
I no longer feel the hole.

Better than Rachel,
"Give me children or I'll die!",
I've found contentment,
Burying my desires deep inside.

God You've grown our family,
Through the means of someone else,
And I know that was Your plan,
But for me to have one myself?

"Do not lie to your servant.",
Is what the Shunammite woman said,
Those hopes and dreams are buried,
And I want to keep them dead.

God it hurts to hope,
And see nothing change.
To let down my husband, my family, my friends,
When everything stays the same.

We're good now, we're past this,
They no longer expect it of me.
God how dare You speak hope,
That I should have a pregnancy.

Like Abraham I show You other children,
Whom I hold so dear,
Just bless me with their adoptions,
That's the plan, right? Clear?

Like Sarai, like Rachel,
Feel building my husband's family is up to me.
Got a bed, a table, a lamp for Elisha,
We're good now, see?

But You insist there's someone more,
A daughter from my womb You say.
I want to be like Hannah,
And my countenance be changed.

Lord make me as Rebekah,
Elizabeth, and Manoah's wife,
To see the things which were prophesied,
Coming true in my life.

Til then I'll be as Mary,
"May it be as you have said.",
Lord make me like these women,
Whom about I've read.

--------------------------------------------------------

8/5/25

Been reading through my old notebooks from the past few years, and I've noticed the same things keeps being said by You. You have a plan, it is a good plan, trust You, have more faith, quit trying to control....

----

As I look through,

I see my last argument with You.

I crossed it out, I didn't want to see,

I didn't want to hear what You were saying to me.

I wanted perfection,

I wanted my poem to be "just right".

So I ignored Your words,

and kept it all my fight.

It worked, it's true, 

my poem got an "A",

but I missed the mark,

when I refused to hear what You would say.

I said, "I want to be like Hannah and my countenance be changed."

I said, "I want to be like Mary, 'May it be as You have said.' 

Lord help me be like these women,

whom about I've read."

I thought I was good now,

with this peace I'd made myself....

----

My daughter, I love you,

and you'll have a story all your own.

----

Because I want to believe,

but part of me always doubts it's true.

It's just been so many years Lord,

I've had an empty womb.

----

My daughter, My precious daughter,

I want you to be yourself.

I love those other women,

but I made you like no one else.

-You'll have your own story.

----

Because I'm tired of hoping,

I want the peace back I thought was mine.

----

Oh child of mine,

I wish you'd understand....

----

Rebekah, Ruth, Elizabeth,

and Manoah's wife too.

One day I'll have a story,

that includes a child from my womb.

God I failed to listen,

God I failed to see,

You said I'm not like these other women,

I'll have my own story.

God I just want a formula,

I just want a plan.

But instead You just keep telling me,

to trust it's in Your hands.

But God I want it in mine!

Can You just tell me the time?

Can You tell me what to do?

But all You say is trust in You.

You tell me to relax,

that I just need to breathe.

You tell me that You've got this,

and I'll just have to wait and see. 

You tell me to let go,

and quit trying to control.

You tell me that You'll let me know,

when I need to know.

You told me to quit asking,

and trying to make Your plans for You.

But God it's so hard!

I just want to know what to do.

What You've said to do is simple,

and yet so very complex.

You said to wait. on. You,

and You'll do the rest.

You've told me to trust You,

that I just need to believe,

and that what You have destined,

it. will. be.

You said, 

"Have a little more faith,

remember that I love you,

and that I would never make you wait for no good reason.

Wait on Me,

and I will give you the needed strength,

you don't need to know,

if you can just learn to wait.

Stop rushing ahead,

Stop. Breathe.

I'm already there,

you can only move at your own speed.

Have faith,

I do have a plan.

What I need from you,

is I need you to stand."

2 Chronicles 20:17

"It will not be necessary for you to fight

in this conflict. Take your positions, stand,

and observe the deliverance of the Lord

for you, O Judah and Jerusalem."

Jared fasted and prayed asking,

"What should I be doing?",

And God answered with a question,

"Am I enough?"

---------------------------------------------------------

When Jared fasted and asked that question, it was 2 years ago? 3? I don't remember. But I do remember the timeframe he asked it and why he was asking it. He was asking it when their brothers and sister were gone from us the last time. He was asking it because we felt we should be DOING something. What should we be doing?!? Should we prepare for their return? Will they come back??? I felt so much pent up energy thinking they would be coming back and I wanted to be ready! I just wanted to be ready!!! And then Jared fasted and prayed asking what we should be doing and God said, "Am I enough?". And my heart sank as I thought it meant they'll never come back. 

     Is God enough? Is God enough to satisfy me???? To satisfy us? Can we be content? Can we be whole? Can God be enough for us without them ever returning? 

     My answer? I don't know....

     Jared's answer? "Why is He not enough?".

A year or two later, after they'd returned to us, AND things changed where it looked like they might leave us again.... Jared heard God speak again and He said, "Would it be worth it if everything changed tomorrow?" Would it be worth it if they leave and never return? Is that what You're asking? 

     Jared's answer? Yes. The difference I've seen in their birth parents. The growth they have made. It's all worth it.

     My answer? Yes. I know if I'd have said no to placement, I'd have always regretted it. The siblings could have been separated, they might not have been able to find placement for them all together. And the time that we got with them, the memories we've made with their siblings, the memories their siblings have made with them, no one can take that away. And we got to show love to their birth parents again. Yes. Yes it would still be worth it.

Recently I looked back at that question where Jared asked, "What should I be doing?" And God said, "Am I enough?" And I saw that maybe it didn't mean, is God enough to satisfy us. See I thought God didn't really answer Jared's question. Jared's asking what should we be DOING for them coming back. And I thought God was answering, they won't be. But maybe He really did answer Jared's question. Maybe God's answer with, "Am I enough?" was Him asking, "Am I enough to do this on My Own?" God's answer didn't mean they would never return. His answer to, "What should I be doing?" was, "Am I enough to do this WITHOUT your help?"

Do we trust that God's got this? That God can manage things WITHOUT our help? Do we trust that He has a plan? That it is a GOOD plan? Do we trust that though things are out of our hands they are NOT out of HIS hands? Do we trust Him?!?!?!

They're back. Again. They were gone just a couple days shy of 9 months. They're back, and little sister came to us with them. 

Last week was a rollercoaster of emotions as I was letting go, of them, again. Letting go because God told me to. And it hurt! I cried as I gathered items I was holding onto, clinging to thoughts of their return some day. 

     I cried with my husband that Thursday night, 9/18/25, "This book needs to go. See this picture? That's my little girl. Looks like her... has a unicorn on the dresser and a picture of a unicorn on the wall... It's her. And see the next page? Where she says she prayed for a little sister and God gave her one even better than she could have wished for? See the baby girl in the crib? See her blonde hair? See how it's in a pigtail on top of her head like birth mom likes to do it? That's their little sister!!! That's her! And see the brothers at the door looking in? And see this other page? See where they went on vacation and they have this big huge van? It makes me think of our passenger van.... This book. This book symbolizes the future that I still want to cling to. I need to let this book go." 

     That Friday, 9/19/25, I went to Walmart to get the oil changed in our passenger van. While at Walmart I had plans to buy a sunshade for our van to help make a For Sale sign for it. I searched high and low for the sunshade, but couldn't find it. My van was taking forever for the oil change, had me very restless as I had someone at home watching my kids so they didn't have to be bored at the store while it was happening. I always feel restless when someone else has the kids and things are taking longer than I think they should.... In my van was a small box of items I intended to drop off at Goodwill before heading home. In that box was that book.

     I went to the automotive center to check on my van, my phone said it had been in the bay almost an hour now. Are they done with it yet? Do they have any questions for me or anything? 

     I get back there and I see that my van is still in the bay, guess it's not done yet. I asked if they had any questions for me or anything, and I was told no. So I text the lady watching our kids to let her know that our van took an hour to be started, and now I see it's still in the bay... She said no worries.

     I left the automotive center and decided I would go to the baby aisle. Maybe I would get something for Irene while I was there. I saw this one really cute sweater, but it said "big sister" on it, not little sister, and I had to walk away and not think about them maybe returning before Irene is born, returning with little sister, and how little sister would become a big sister when Irene gets here.............

     Maybe I can find something that says "little sister" on it. Only other thing I found that I really liked was this one zippered sleeper that was really soft and covered in flowers. As I was debating whether or not to get this soft zippered sleeper for Irene, I checked my phone again to see what the statis of my van was on it's oil change, and I saw I had missed a call. I had missed a call from their caseworker, and had a text from her that said, "Please call asap". I knew what that meant, so I called Jared first. I told him who I had missed a call from, and what the text said. Our answer is yes, right? Yes to all 4 of them? And he said yes. I knew he would, but I had to ask. And he said, "Trust, right? We trust God? God's got this? His timing, not ours? We've said we'd say yes, so we're saying yes."

     So I called the caseworker back, and she asked me, "You know why I'm calling, right?" And I'm like, "Yes. Yes and no. I thought the case closed months ago." She told me that it was supposed to, but it hadn't yet, and that they had court scheduled for next week and she thought they wouldn't let her continue it again at this one, that it would have to close this time, and she'd been praying that God would give her something... Less than a week before that court date where the caseworker believed the Judge would order the case closed because it had been continued too many times, one of their birth parents got arrested. I do not know all the details of that arrest, and when I do know all the details, if I ever know all the details, I don't know that I'll share them anyway. The point is, God gave her what she needed. The caseworker had concerns about the situation, really didn't sit well with her the kids being back with their birth parents, but she didn't have what she needed to be able to be able to pull the kids back off trial home placement. That arrest and the details it contains, it gave her what she needed to pull them, to make the official call to "disrupt placement", and open up communications with me once again as they needed to know if we'd take the kids back. If we'd take them back, and little sister with them. She asked, I said yes, and she told me she knew I'd say yes, but she needed to ask.

They're here. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know what His plan is. I don't know what is going to happen next. I know what I WANT to happen next. I know what I WANT the plan to be. But I don't know really what will happen. What I do know though is that God has a plan. That it is a good plan. That it is good because HE is good, and so it is a good plan. And I know that God wanted these kids to come here. And that book? That I was going to donate before heading home from getting the oil changed in the van? I didn't donate it. And the sunshade I was looking for that I couldn't find for making a For Sale sign for our passenger van? Well we don't need a For Sale sign anymore, because now we have kids in all three rows of our van. We're no longer looking to sell it, because now it's serving the purpose we bought it for. We bought it for these kids, and wanting to make sure we had room for them and sibling who was to come. And now they're here, and sibling with them.

Again, I don't know what God's plan is, but that's trust, right? And is He enough to do this on His own? Whatever it is? Yeah, He is. So one step at a time, we'll stand trusting in Him as we go forward.