Babyproofing Life

I feel like I've been in survival mode for so long, I don't know how to get out of it. My babies aren't babies anymore, but I still feel the need to babyproof everything. It's not entirely my fault, it's the foster title. In some ways, I'm not allowed to quit babyproofing. I remember way back when the babyproofing started. When it felt more necessary. When I went from 2 kids to 4 kids overnight and the two new ones were getting into everything and I just needed to be able to sit down sometimes and not feel the rush to get them out of whatever constantly... It wasn't my fault the 2 year old and 1 year old knew nothing of staying out of stuff, they had never been with me before. And it wasn't their fault that the other two siblings I had already were only 3 and 4 and also needed my almost constant supervision. My attention divided 4 ways? The babyproofing felt necessary, EVEN IF it wasn't a foster requirement. I just needed to be able to sit down in their bedroom to change a diaper, or use the toilet myself, or maybe just sit down on the couch for a moment, without feeling a panic that I could hear them getting into things in another room. Unfortunately, this babyproofing has extended into every area of life it seems. My phone, the tablet, and the desktop computer are all locked and need passwords to access. Just like the knife drawer in the kitchen that's required to be locked, and the ammunition needs to be locked in a separate location than the gun it goes to locked up elsewhere... We have locks everywhere. But if there is a will, there is a way! And just like I moved any over the counter medication that was on a high shelf in the kitchen cabinet that didn't have child safety tops on them because the 2 year old was climbing the cabinets and getting into those meds... I've locked down things further on the tablet and such because the 11 year old found how to access a browser to talk to Gemini (Google AI) via the Fire TV remote app on the tablet, also knows how to access the browser to do such via Messenger Kids....

He's 11! I need to let up, and let him grow up, and give him more access to things, and.... And I'm locking things up for him just as much as I'm further locking things up for the 2 year old who gets into the cabinets. 

I'm tired. I'm tired of survival mode. I want to teach them self control, and allow them more freedom, and.... And I lock things up further because I feel like I just can't handle it right now. I can't breathe! I can't.... 

So much in life is out of my control, so the areas I feel in control of? How do I relinquish my grasp? How do I loosen up? How do I allow....

I read once that stress comes from trying to be in control. That when things feel out of our control, and we try to be in control, we are stressed. It's true. That is so very true. 

But I can't just let the kids do whatever they want!!!! 

I don't know how to fix this, and in many ways I don't feel the freedom to really start working on fixing it yet either. Because we're foster parents. Because we're licensed. Because we answer to the state, not only to God, in how we raise our kids. The lock on the knife drawer has to remain.

When I look at the future, I wonder what it'll be like. To finally be able to breathe. To feel safe and secure with who all is in our home NOT leaving our home. That our kids are truly, legally, 100% our children. No more goodbyes. At least, I hope no more goodbyes until the day that they move out of our home because they're grown and it's time. =)

What will life be like when these anxieties that cause my 11 year old nightmares, and my 9 year old struggling to sleep, and my 7 year old biting her nails, and.... The stress that causes mom and dad to feel like we can barely breathe sometimes....

I dream life will look different. Feel different. I wonder if we'll even seem like the same family anymore. I'll be a whole new mom, my kids whole new kids, my husband a whole new dad. I want to sing silly made up songs and dance with my children, I haven't done that much in a long time. I want my husband to be his goofy dad self, and I haven't seen that much either. I want my kids to... to quit fighting so much. I want to see anxieties melt away. I want to see anger less and less. I want to see them feeling free. I want to see them sing and dance and laugh and play, and not pull their siblings close just to push them away because they fear their siblings won't be here forever, because they've never stayed forever before. I hear name calling and "I hate you" so often and so much... Kindness and I love yous feel few and far between. What will the future look like? It's gotta be better than here.

Survival mode won't last forever. Babyproofing won't last forever. We've spent so much time and energy growing our family, and watching it shrink, and then hit repeat, and hit repeat again that... That constantly we're either adjusting to having more children, or grieving that we have less children, that we haven't been able to simply focus on raising the children we have. Will we finally be able to raise them? Praying and fully believing that answer is yes. I'm ready for that next season to start. 

I looked up the Hebrew word for "peace" in the Strong's Concordance the other day (Shalom [H7965]), and the first meaning to it was "safe". We don't have much peace in our home, because no one feels safe that who is here will all be staying here. I can only do so much, but I can't change that. Oh how we all long that God would bring us an adoption date soon. I hope that's the next update I'll have for you.

Time To Fight

Apollo Creed: "He's gettin' killed!"

Paulie: "Oh no, no, no! He's not gettin' killed; he's gettin' mad!" (Rocky III)

God has finally told me to get up and fight, but it's not the fight I was wanting. I want to stand up and fight! Fight for these kids in my home to never leave my home. I want to fight for my kids by fighting against their birth parents. And God says no. Again and again He says no. We are not to fight against them. God said it will not be necessary for us to fight in this conflict, that we are to get ready, stand, and watch for the deliverance of the Lord for us. This is His fight, not ours. As we neared our last two court hearings, I heard a sermon by Pastor Daniel on 2 Kings 6:8-23 about when Elisha and his servant had an army surrounding them and Elisha said, "There are more with us than with them." And he prayed his servant's eyes be opened...

     In this historical account the Arameans had been coming up against Israel, but Elisha kept telling the King of Israel where the Arameans planned to strike next, so over and over again the Arameans would come to fight and the Israelites wouldn't be there. This frustrated the King of Aram, and so he asked who among his party sided with the King of Israel. Who is the spy?? And one of his people tells him that there is a prophet in Israel named Elisha that tells the King of Israel everything, that he even knows the words he speaks in his bedroom. So during the night the King of Aram sends a huge army to Elisha's doorstep, and when Elisha's servant goes outside the next morning he sees this huge army surrounding them and he says, "Alas, my master! What shall we do?" and Elisha says for him to do nothing and instead prays that God would change his servant's perspective. Elisha wasn't worried! He was calm. He hears the words of his servant's panic and says, "Don't be afraid, for there are more with us than with them." Then Elisha prayed, "Lord, open his eyes and let him see." So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire surrounding Elisha. That army that came up against them? It wasn't destroyed. No instead Elisha has God strike the army of the Arameans with blindness and then he leads them to the King of Israel! The King of who they were wanting to fight; the leader of their enemy. Elisha has their blindness taken away, they see where they are at now, and the first thing they hear is the King of Israel asking Elisha if he wants him to have this army killed. He asks twice; shall I kill them? And Elisha says no! He answered, "You shall not kill them. Did you capture with your sword and with your bow those whom you want to kill? Set bread and water before them, and let them eat and drink, and then go to their master." The King of Israel goes above and beyond bread and water and prepares for them a great banquet. After the army ate and drank, they went home. And the Aramean raiders did not enter into the land of Israel again.

     It's a crazy story. Why didn't Elisha have his enemy wiped out? He's calm, cool, collected. His servant is panicking and he tells him, there's more with us than with them. And then the situation doesn't change! He prays his servant's eyes be opened. Perspective changed, the situation did not! The enemy was still there! And then what does Elisha do? He leads them to the banquet table of their enemy, feeds them, and sends them home. What? Instead of killing those who were trying to kill them, they are fed a feast and sent home. God's view of our enemies is often very different than ours; He shows radical love.

     At the end of Pastor Daniel's sermon he asked two questions: What situation do you need to see through God's perspective? And who do you need to see with God's perspective?

     What??? I'm not to fight? Again?! But court is about to happen, and... But I want to fight! "There are more with us than with them." Fine, I won't fight.

     Between one court hearing and the next (only a few days) an investigation was opened up on us for "suspicious bruising" on one of the foster children in our home. We're pretty sure it was birth dad who made that report as he had posted something ugly about us the day before saying something about bruises on said child. We wish we could hide from our kids that birth parents have risen up against us. To shield them from knowing they've made themselves our enemy. But that report? It caused someone to go out to the school to interview both our school aged foster kids, and then come out to our home to interview all our adopted kids, and myself and my husband as well. They had to ask our children questions like if there is anywhere they don't like being touched, and how are they disciplined in our home, and so on. Interviewed individually, privately, by a stranger, uncomfortable questions. Our home isn't perfect by any means, but we have nothing to hide. I was not worried they would find something wrong with our home, but I hated this for our kids. Darrell learns more case type stuff every time, every time he is older, every time he has more questions, every time... He knows we think it was birth dad who made the report, because he said something on Facebook before we got that call. Later Darrell tells me, "They're not going to get what they want! If they find something, they'll leave our house, but they won't go back to them! And if they don't, that just makes them look bad too for causing trouble." Darrell understood what the results of those interviews could cause. He also understood that his siblings would end up in a different foster home if things went poorly, maybe in multiple ones. His birth parents coming up against us? Caused Darrell to start having nightmares of them trying to sabotage things in our home. I've explained to Darrell that I don't believe his birth dad really believes the things he's saying right now, he's just mad. I asked him, "When you get mad and you say, "I hate you." to one of your siblings, do you really hate them? Do you really hate any of your siblings? No, you're just mad. And when you're mad, you say things you don't mean. I know your birth dad trusts us, because he's told us before that he does. He knows they are safe here, he's just mad."

     That second court hearing lasted 3 and a half hours, and there were more on our side than theirs. It was not necessary for us to fight.

     This Sunday I heard Pastor Nevin talk about Rocky Balboa. I've been getting beat up. Taking all these punches, and just turning the other cheek, waiting for the next blow. I was told this Sunday it's time to get up. It's time to get up and fight. It's time to fight for the relationships the Enemy wants destroyed. "He's not gettin' killed, he's gettin' mad." It's easy to sit back and let birth dad destroy any chance him and birth mom have at knowing their kids as they grow up. Let them kill the hopes and dreams I have for the future for them and our family. To sit back and just let the damage be done. But it's time to get up, it's time to fight, and the fighting? It IS fighting for our kids, it's fighting for relationship. I can't make Darrell forgive his birth parents for the way they have been behaving. I can't make the memories of the nightmares he's had go away. I can't make things good between him and them, or any of the other kids and them for that matter, BUT! But we can set the example.

     Pastor Nevin was teaching on the parable of the talents, how each man was given the amount TO THEIR ABILITY by the Master. Take what God has given you and USE IT to the BEST of your ABILITY for God's glory. What has God given you? And are you doing your BEST to use it for His glory? Are you? Why am I letting the Enemy come along and beat me up and not doing anything to get up and fight back? Why do I take what God has given me and hide it in the ground and pretend like I have nothing to fight back with? It's time to fight back! But fight back in the way that GOD WANTS. With what He has GIVEN us to fight back with in radical love to our enemies.

The day before being told it's time to get up and fight, Jared and Edwin picked out a birthday card for birth dad while they were at the store. Birth dad's birthday would be happening between the next visit and the one following. On the way home from church, after hearing it's time to fight, the card didn't seem like enough. What do we know about dad? What does he like? We've known him so long now, and we know nothing about him, what do we get him for his birthday? The very next day God gave us the answer. I fully believe that was God. The next day there was a staffing, and during the staffing dad was asked by the caseworker if there was anything he needed, and at first he didn't answer. But then he said he needed some steel-toed boots for work, and he even said what size he wears!!! When Jared told me later he wanted to get him some boots, I was just... How did you find out he needed them? That sounded like the perfect gift! But how did he find out he needed them? Then Jared told me about the exchange between the caseworker and dad during the staffing Jared had attended that morning. I think that was God answering us wanting to know what we could get him for his birthday. We also got him cupcakes, and some number candles for his age, and I let all the kids color/paint him birthday pictures if they wanted to (even Darrell chose to do one). And I wrapped that box of boots in birthday wrapping paper before I sent it all with the worker who picked the kids up for their visit.

     I'm not telling you all this to bring attention to us, this is us simply using what God has given us to the best of our ability. Birth dad's reaction was tears. I'm told he was overwhelmed by our kindness. He later reached out to Jared to say thank you, told us he cried like a baby, that he hadn't had something like that for his birthday in 20 years, and that he was wearing the boots now at work. 

I don't expect things to be great between us and them from here on out, but I do hope that like with Elisha and the Arameans coming up against Israel, that this will be the end of birth parents rising up against us. That the animosity that has been clearly and strongly felt towards Jared from birth dad when he's gone to these court hearings... I pray that is gone. It's broken. It's over. We are not the enemy. Jared told the caseworker after the last court hearing, that birth dad can get as angry as he wants to at us, but we didn't cause any of this; none of this is our fault. And it's true! We're not the enemy they chose to see us as, and by God's grace I hope they see and understand that once again now.

"So whether rich or poor, developing the discipline of contentment demands that we submit both our anxiety and our greed to the Lord." 

-Barbra Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Woman.

I have this fear I've been working to let go of, this fear I'll never be content, or that contentment will never last. Agur writes in Proverbs 30:15 "The leech has two daughters crying, "Give, give." There are three things that are never satisfied, indeed four things never say, "It is enough": the grave, the barren womb, the earth that is not filled with water, and the fire that never says, "It is enough."

Repetitious Thought 6/3/2018

There's this thing I envy I've heard people say,

that their family is "complete".

But there's this thought that often rings through my head,

forever leaving mine with an empty seat: I want a baby.

Every time my heart feels sad,

Every time it's despairingly heavy,

Every time depression lean on me,

I think one thing: I want a baby.

I'll think I'm satisfied with what I have,

That I'm content with my kids,

That it doesn't matter my womb or not,

And then.... this: I want a baby.

The thought plagues me,

Wish it would go away,

"The barren womb is never satisfied."

I have this fear that it'll stay.

I knew one would never be enough,

but I thought two could be,

now three sounds pretty good,

*sigh* How can I want a baby?

It's not fair.

Not fair that my womb stays bare.

I try so hard to simply not care.

And then.... "I want a baby."

No, it's not true!

I argue with myself again, and again, and again,

God help me out!

Aren't You my friend?

Is it because my womb is empty?

Or that You have another for my arms?

Or is it Satan poking at me,

wanting to cause me more harm?

Again I think:... I want a baby.......

I once lost a friend, cut her out of my life for a while, because she spoke into this fear of mine, and I couldn't handle it. We were getting ready to buy the house we're in now and she asked, "Will it be big enough? Because I know you, you'll want the next one, and the next one, and the next one." Her referring to us wanting placement to more biological siblings of our adopted kids. I couldn't handle it. We quit talking for more than a year.

Some time after it was prophesied to me that I would be pregnant and have baby Ira-Belle, I spoke the same words over myself that my friend did. I said, "I know me, I'll want a another pregnancy. If they don't come back, I'll want another girl, so my daughter has a roommate. And if they do come back? I'd kind of like a boy, so I have one biological in the girls room, and one in the boys room." So even though the thought of two triple bunks in the boys room overwhelmed me, I started picturing it anyway and thinking up names....

I did like King Saul, I justified my actions/thoughts. God told me to pray for baby Ira-Belle, but I started praying beyond her. I started praying for the son I believed would follow afterwards, certain the others would return some day and a son is who I'd be wanting....

King Saul was told to destroy all the animals, but he kept some. He kept the best animals there were so he could give them as a burnt sacrifice to the Lord. He thought he was doing "better" than what God asked of him. And then there was that time where King Saul got impatient and he "forced himself" to give a burnt offering even though he wasn't a prophet or of the Levitical priesthood because of various reasons... He convinced himself, "forced" himself, to do what he felt HAD to be done.
     I did that too. You see God told me to pray for baby Ira-Belle, and I forced myself to pray beyond her. Convinced myself I was doing better than what God asked of me. "God I believe so much that You can make me pregnant, I believe You can do it twice." Sometimes my brain wanted to think of a third pregnancy even, maybe a son and another daughter too. "What if God takes away our infertility and makes us fertile? I could be pregnant again, maybe even more than once!"

     I let my mind run rampant with these thoughts, convinced myself I would have a son after Irene.

Know what my thoughts were before this thought entered my mind? "One and done, one and done..." Stressed trying to convince myself that just one pregnancy would be enough to satisfy me.

"... the discipline of contentment demands that we submit both our anxiety and our greed to the Lord."

Both, we have to submit both.

When I looked up the scripture reference the other day for where it says, "Thou shalt not covet..." it surprised me that it was Exodus 20:17. Why? Because the other verse that means so much to me I mentioned in the post before it, 2 Chronicles 20:17 "It will not be necessary for you to fight in this conflict. Take your positions, stand, and watch the deliverance of the Lord for you O Judah and Jerusalem." Both are 20:17, and they address both my anxiety and my greed.

My anxiety says I HAVE to convince myself one way or the other. I have to DO something. I HAVE to KNOW. I HAVE to.... whatever!!!! My anxiety has me striving for whatever. My anxiety has me fighting. My anxiety doesn't know how to trust, it only knows how to worry and plan and.... God just tell me what to DO!!!! Because I DON'T trust He can do it without my help. Ouch. 

     But 2 Chronicles 20:17 says it will NOT be necessary for me to fight. This is the LORD'S battle. This isn't MINE. He says to stand and watch what HE will do. He will do it, not me. It will not be me.

My greed says I will NEVER be satisfied. I've lived with this longing for too long. I don't know how to let it go, it never will leave me, it can't. Every time I think I'm past it, it's back! Just when I think I'm good now, here it comes knocking. It plagues me. I don't believe God can rid me of it. I don't truly believe that God can satisfy me. Ouch.

     Exodus 20:17 says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors.... anything." God has a story for me, that's for me and me alone. I look and see these other people who have adopted and then had biological kids... and they had more than one pregnancy. I hear of someone who God opened their womb, and they had more than one pregnancy. I see.....

     My heart's deepest desire is to feel my family is "complete". That the desire for more goes away. Desire To Mother is the name of this blog, and I want to feel that desire in me satisfied. Quenched. Never present again. Full hands, full heart, not feeling there's still an empty seat or bed or.....

     Irene means "peace". I just want peace. I just want to feel complete peace over the size of my family. Do I believe God can bring it? 

I admitted to you guys the other day the greed within me for their siblings to return. The greed within me that didn't just want them back, but I wanted their baby sister too. I had never truly let go of any of them, I was just waiting and watching for them to come our way. I admitted it, and I let it go.

Today I am admitting to you fear, a fear I have had for a long time. That Agur's words that say the barren womb is never satisfied, that it never says it is enough. A fear that says he's talking about me. When it was spoken over me many months ago that I am NOT barren anymore, was told that title is no longer mine, I never let it go. I convinced myself that I DID let it go, because now somehow I started thinking maybe I'd not only get pregnant the once, but I might get pregnant again, maybe even again after that.... THAT is the barren mindset that Agur wrote about in Proverbs 30:15.

"The leech has two daughters crying, "Give, give.". I have felt the daughters of the leech crying give, give, on my life for too long. I released the first when I admitted my greed for their siblings to be here, and today I release the second as I admit my greed for a pregnancy beyond that which God has promised me. I do not want these "daughters of the leech" on my life anymore.

God I ask You to help me. Help me to submit both my anxiety and my greed to You. No more fighting, no more striving, stand and watch what YOU will do. Because God You are doing something!!! You are. I know You are because You have said You are. Help me to trust You more. Grow my faith. I have said I let go of my greed, help me to not pick it back up. It's gone, I'm done with it, I don't want that greed in me anymore. Help me to overcome. Make me an overcomer Lord. I can't do this without You. Amen.