Y'all I'm tired. I'm tired of so many things sometimes I don't even know what I'm tired of, and I'm simply plain tired of being tired, you know? I'm just so tired and ready to be done being tired.
I started running in the mornings. I started push mowing our yard. I picked up some fictional book series I'd never read before and started diving in. Some of this is for my health, I want to have more energy! I dream to one day be big and pregnant and able to RUN! That sounds amazing. Mowing the yard gives me this lovely sense of accomplishment as I can see my progress with every passing, though at the same time it makes me feel not enough when I don't finish... The book has my mind off things. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of missing kids that aren't here. I'm tired of being confused and wondering if they'll ever come back. I'm tired of the drama and the back and forth and... and everything.
Couple, maybe few months back, I picked up something else too. I struggle feeling I'm not enough. I've struggled with that for a long time. I struggle with feeling when things go wrong that it's all my fault. I struggle a lot with the whole concept of grace, that we don't have to earn God's favor.
I saw them, they showed up in a reel on Facebook, a big beautiful family, 10 kids and 1 on the way. Just beautiful. Envy, jealousy, comparison all wrapped up masked in awe and admiration. Many of her beliefs mirror mine. She homeschools, she doesn't celebrate Christmas or Easter because of all the pagan traditions wrapped up in those, she doesn't do immunizations for her kids (I've just started not doing those, now that I have a choice in doing them or not), she doesn't dress immodestly and doesn't use foul language and.... And then there's other things that I don't agree with, yet sometimes I struggle with, like the name Jesus isn't His original name, why do we call Him that when His name is Yeshua? But she doesn't even call Him Yeshua, she uses some other pronunciation that I've never even heard before. And she sticks with that, (I wonder if she corrects people if they say the name Jesus, hmmm).... And she doesn't eat pork, because it's unclean. Why? Why does she do that? At first I laughed at that, but then I found scriptures I'd heard quoted for when we were now given permission to eat unclean meats, and those scriptures were taken out of context.... Was she right? Are we not to eat unclean meats? And I read the story of Samson's parents and how his mom was told by The Messenger of God to make sure she didn't eat anything unclean (or to consume anything of the fruit of the vine) while she was pregnant and.... I wished that was me.
Oh how badly I just want to be told to do this or don't do that and then I'll be pregnant. Once the thought entered my mind that she might possibly be right about this whole unclean meats thing, I didn't eat anything "unclean" for about 2 months straight I think. I know changing my diet isn't going to "make me" pregnant, only God is going to do that, but still.... 10 kids and 1 on the way, now it's 11 kids and 1 on the way.... Why is God blessing her with so many? But now I see other things that just say "self-righteous" and I've finally chosen to quit following her. She has left church, most churches celebrate Christmas and Easter and will serve pork chops in the banquet hall, so now she has church in her own home. She has a huge following on Facebook now and I wonder how many other "home churches" might be starting because of her.
I've been reading Galatians. What Paul writes to the people of Galatia says a lot about people who were teaching things contrary to the gospel of Christ. I hurt reading Galatians feeling I am being called foolish for ever thinking she could be right about the clean and unclean meats. In Galatians Paul speaks of the promise given to Abraham, a promise given four hundred and thirty years before the law ever was given. Paul talks back and forth about how the law doesn't nullify the promise and the promise isn't contrary to the law and.... Or maybe I have those backwards, I get a bit lost trying to make heads or tails of it all, but here's something I saw: For if the inheritance comes from the law, it no longer comes from the promise, but God gave it to Abraham through a promise. - Galatians 3:18.
I was asked a little while back, "Aren't you tired of striving?". And I am, I really am, and yet I keep picking it back up. "Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?...Does God give you the Spirit and work miracles among you by the works of the law, or by hearing with faith?" - Galatians 3:3&5
Why God gave me a promise that I'll have a biological daughter, I don't know. And when will it happen? I'm not sure. But it won't be by works. It won't be through the law. The promise of her will only come by faith in Him who has promised that she will be. I need to quit thinking I'm not enough, honestly I'm not and I never will be, but God knew that, and knows that, and He promised her anyway because I'm His daughter, and daughter is enough for Him.