Frustrated... hopeless... feelings...

I no longer count down to the pregnancy test.  Every time I've taken one... I've failed.  It hurts to get your hopes up, just for them to fall around your feet.  Try try try.... but never succeed.  While you watch your newlywed friend go through morning sickness.  What's the point in trying?  It was so easy for them!  Yet she's scared and wishes it would have taken a while.  It hurts so much every time the cycle starts again.  Maybe if I tell myself motherhood will never happen.... it won't hurt so much when it never does?  Maybe next month... but I'm sure this one won't be it.  But then next month comes around and I tell myself the same thing.  Constantly being disappointed.  Constantly being heart broken.  Constantly having your dreams shattered month after month!  Does it ever get easier?  Do you just become numb?  If I just give up hope... will it happen?  But just saying that would mean that I hope that giving up hope will make it happen.  But I don't feel that way.  I don't know what I feel anymore.  I count down to my period.  I decide what day would be best for me to start.  And it's kinda funny...  I often start on the day that I choose.  More and more my dreams of becoming a mom fade.  I've gotten to a point that when people tell me that one day I'll be a mom....  That my time will come....  That it'll happen when it happens....  Blah blah blah and the like....  I feel like they're lying to me.  I'll never be a mom.  When I say things like "when we have kids...." I have to throw in an "if" because I'm not so sure anymore!  I feel like I'm lying to myself to assume that one day I'll give birth!  I don't want to waste my life on something that may never happen.  If only I knew that one day all this trying would pay off.  But then I look at Abraham's wife where even a promise from God himself wasn't enough to ease her pain of not being a mother.  I don't think this desire I have will ever go away.  And if one day I do become pregnant...  I'm afraid I'll fear the whole way it's not true.