I wish I were on cloud nine. Everyone thinks I should be on cloud nine. We just had another adoption!!! Edwin Zechariah is ours!!! Legally, officially, ours. Has been since June 14th. But cloud nine? I'm not there. On the day of his adoption I felt more excitement over my sister starting a new job that day than I did about us going to court, why? Because of trauma.
Everyone talks about how kids in foster care have been through trauma and how traumatic it is for them being in foster care, but do people talk about the trauma that foster parents go through AS foster parents?? Not really, no, that trauma is often kept rather silent. People say it must be "hard" saying goodbye to foster kids who leave, so at least the grief of a goodbye is acknowledged some, but the grief of a goodbye is only a fraction of the trauma we've gone through.
We didn't announce loudly our adoption date this time, and I looked back at when we adopted our first, Darrell, and how... Innocent? Nieve? How... How untainted that one was! Well, at least until the night before the adoption, the night before his adoption I got a call from his aunt letting me know about the situation with his little brother and how he was about to enter foster care himself and..... I went to bed the night before Darrell's adoption with a HORRIBLE headache, BUT! But the leading up to his adoption?? The excitement! The countdown that we had going on Facebook leading up to the big day! Inviting my family to join us at the courthouse for the adoption and being so excited about it all. Oh how I wished that I could have felt such excitement leading up to Edwin's adoption...
Looking back at James' adoption? I could hardly wait to hear when his adoption date would be! And then when I heard it? I clammed up. Deer caught in the headlights with fear that it wouldn't really happen. I got the news in a voicemail and didn't even call my husband to tell him myself, I just forwarded the voicemail to his number. My husband was excited! He wanted to do the countdown again! I think he did it, but I didn't join in. I really struggled to get excited, irrational fear that somehow when we went to the courthouse on his big day that something would change and we wouldn't get to leave with him.
And now? Now we've had Edwin's adoption!!! We quietly did a countdown this time in a chat group. I was a part of it! I did most of the countdown numbers myself!! But a post for all our family and friends to see on Facebook about when we'd be adopting our little guy? Nope! Funny how I was so afraid that James' adoption wouldn't happen on the adoption date we were given, and it did! But Edwin's? It didn't. I was trying to NOT be afraid the December court date we were given for Edwin was too good to be true, and then it was. It was! In fact it was another 6 months later before we finally got our new date. More trauma...
It was once predicted by an adoption specialist that we would have an adoption in January 2021 of the two siblings that are between James and Edwin, another brother and a sister, who we had back then with a goal of adoption on their case. Things didn't proceed as planned that court date back in November of 2020, termination of parental rights only happened on mom that day instead of both parents, and in January? When we were predicted to have an adoption? Instead we got a goal change back to reunification for them to return to their dad. He'd been in jail the whole case so far, but he was back out now, so.... Anyway, long story short, dad got them back. Now a goal change to adoption doesn't mean as much to us anymore because we see how easily we can lose that goal, we had had a goal of only adoption on their case for 6 months straight when it got changed back. We had started calling them by new names.....
Edwin's adoption happened more than a month ago now, and I'm still struggling. I remember when he would leave us for 4 days to have visits with his mom, then we'd have him for 4 nights, then she'd have him for 4 days.... It was horrible. I'd bring him to her at 10:00 Friday mornings, and my husband would get him back from her at 5:00 Monday nights. I counted up hours one time, she got more daylight hours with him than we did. She got 4 days, we got 4 nights. I started to wonder who was getting the visit, her or us? On the weekends I was a mom of 2, and in the middle of the week a mom of 3. The weekends started to feel "normal". While Edwin was away at visits things started to feel NORMAL him not being here anymore. And then he'd come back and I'd hold him and HOW COULD I EVER THINK that I could be ok without him?!?!?!? When I'd put him to sleep I would just stay by his side and listen to him breathe, I never wanted to leave his side. It's been more than a year and a half since those long visits were happening, and I'm still holding on. I'm still holding on so tightly...
"You're mine. Edwin Zechariah. You're mine. Mine, mine, mine. You're going to be mine forever and ever and ever. I'm always going to be your mom. You're my son. I love you so so so very much. Sooo very much. Mine. Edwin Zechariah. My Edwin. You're mine."
Instead of on cloud nine, I've been depressed. I'm so very tired. I'm craving books and movies and tv shows to get my mind off things. I'm not even sure what I'm getting my mind off of, but the craving for distraction is strong. I'm not enjoying life to the fullest like I should be.
One week after Edwin's adoption I had to take him to the doctor, he had blood in his stools! I cried so hard one night in the middle of the night because he got up needing to poop and there was still blood and... What if he was misdiagnosed?!? What if he has internal bleeding going on right now and we lose him?!? We just adopted him!!!! I can't, I can't, I can't..... I stayed by his side for the rest of the night. His fever broke that night, and he started feeling better the next day. Was a few more days before all the blood went away, but google said it could be a few days for that.
I hate that his appointment I had to make under his birth name. His prescription was under his birth name. Still have doctors appointments and such I have to talk on the phone to people using his birth name instead of his new name. Yesterday we got his new birth certificate in the mail! So today I intend to go to the Social Security Office to get his name and number officially changed, and then after I get his new card I can get his name updated with everything else. He's ours! But having to make appointments under his birth name still.....
His case is closed, but it doesn't feel over. I still have this checklist of things to get done so that everything says his new name. Apply for the new social security card, get the new social security card, take the new social security card to the DHS office so they can update his medicaid, then go to the Health Department so they can update his name on his shot records too. Then I think that's it? Today is a big one, today we apply for the new social.
His case is closed, but it doesn't feel over. Honestly I don't know if both his cases are closed yet, since he's from another state he has a foster care case and an ICPC case. He's adopted, he's not in foster care anymore! But has the ICPC department been properly notified yet of this change? James was also from another state and had an ICPC case, we found out 5 months after his adoption that he still had an ICPC case open and they wanted to do an in-home visit because of it. Is Edwin's closed yet? Will I get a call/text soon for an in-home visit? We're still a licensed foster home, partly because we can't close as long as the ICPC is still open. And partly because.... there's others!!!!
It doesn't feel over yet, it so doesn't feel over yet. It's been more than 2 years now since the others left our home, and I still wonder all the time if they'll ever be back. And there's a new one! There's now an even younger brother out there, he's about 5 months old now I think? If when I heard baby brother was born is correct... 5 months old! They have siblings out there that are a 5 year old brother, a 4 year old sister, and now another brother who is only months old. I don't know how they are doing. We haven't heard anything from their birth parents in more than a year. The few glimpses I've seen through the small window of things posted publicly on social media... I'm worried dad might be falling back into his old ways, and old ways involve not being clean and sober... I worry. Now that Edwin's adopted we no longer have the office between us and I could reach out...
I want to reach out, and I don't. I also really really don't. The emotions involved in the process of reaching out to them again... I think that might be why I'm depressed and craving distractions? Because it's time to reach out again and I'm avoiding the thoughts of actually doing it. Maybe they are doing well! Maybe they are great! Maybe the things I've seen on Facebook... Well can you really believe anything you see on Facebook? That stuff that looks like he might be falling back off the bandwagon doesn't mean he actually is, and even if he is! Doesn't mean he won't straighten up and do better before something happens! You know???
Oh how I wish I could see their little faces again... I wish I could see baby brother's face... He's 5 months old and I have no idea what he looks like? And how have the others aged? Do they still.... Will they even remember me? It feels so long ago....
My heart hurts for so many reasons, cloud 9 is not where I'm at, and I don't know how to get there.