I've been walking the line for so long. It's stressful, it's hard, but it's what I know and what I'm good at. I'm good at walking the line! I'm good at not stepping on toes. I'm good at keeping things to small talk and never getting to the heart of the matter because that stuff is messy. That stuff could cause conflict. That stuff... Just walk the line and you'll be fine.
My book? The one I mentioned I had started writing? (Writing A Book). I haven't touched it in several months now. My book is about our story with our kids. I didn't want to write a book to begin with. Why? Because this story isn't just mine to tell. My kids deserve some privacy, it's THEIR story too, not just mine. And they're too young to read my book and approve of it. Also, the birth parents, it's kind of their story too, my side of it, but anyway.... I didn't want to write a book/don't want to write a book, because how do I tell this story when it's not just mine to tell and those that it is about aren't exactly able to approve....
Irene Annabelle. That new name God gave for me! My pseudonym! All I have to do is publish under a different name and no one has to know it was written by me...
So I started writing. And I wrote! I typed up pages after pages, chapter after chapter, and all the way I walked the line. I walked the line! It started with leaving out names, since I was leaving my name out I left out other people's names too. In fact, I didn't just leave out the names of other people, I didn't bother to give them NEW names, so the people I wrote about simply became nameless.
I'm a "foster" parent, names are confidential. My writing on this blog, or on any other social media platform, any names need to be left out. In fact, I was reprimanded once by someone at the office for using nicknames on social media that I had made up for my foster kiddos. Why? They said because the people who know would know that I'm talking about my foster kid. So when it came to social media?? I was supposed to pretend like my kiddos didn't exist?? I'm not to speak about them at all. Not one bit. And don't allow even the back of their head to be in any photos. Nothing.
That phone call led me to create a new Facebook account under a nickname. My husband and I had been sharing an account all our marriage, but now I split off and made a new one and mine, which had become ours, now became his. I kept things that were confidential, confidential. Never shared their little faces in photos, never shared their real names, but I didn't act as though "mom" wasn't now part of my title. Pictures that didn't show their faces, I shared. And potty training updates, I shared. And other little things like that, which feel like big things as a parent, I shared! First teeth! Advice for a mama with a teething kiddo? So excited about first steps! My son went to daycare today in underwear and stayed dry!!!!! I never talked "case" stuff, just mom stuff, mom stuff minus sharing their little faces and their names.
Now I'm writing a book and I don't know which lines I can cross and which ones to not cross. I've been careful as I write to not step on toes. So I tell the truth, but maybe not the whole truth, because all of the truth might be too much. I'll talk about people, but not give names, not give any names. I'll tell you about this one thing that happened, but not give you any details, because the details feel confidential? But then the details are why....
I wrote through us adopting our first two sons, Darrell and James, without ever typing out their birth names or their new first names. I wrote through 2015-2019. So much I wrote! And then I got to January 2020 and got stuck. January 2020 introduces the next two siblings entering into our home, another brother and their sister. On here I can't say their names, but in my book? I got to them and I went, "How?!?! How can I not share their names?!?!?!". And I thought through so much about their names and how much thought went into picking out what their new names would be, should they be adopted, and.... How?! How can I continue to not name people??? Brother's new name?? His new name was picked out because of it's connection to his birth name. And then I thought of the next son after him, our now adopted Edwin, and his name?!?!? How in the world can I tell his story without telling his name? Our story with him STARTS with his name, how can I leave that out? I can't, I just don't think I can do it.
So now what? I have 65 pages typed walking the line. I'm not sure what to do, so it's been months without me touching my book. I think it's time for a do-over. Maybe I review things from the beginning and add in the things I left out? Or maybe I start over? Open up a new draft and begin this story again from the beginning? Or.... I don't know. But I think this time around maybe I'll write this story as though I'm writing it to my children; my adult children. There's no reason I can't share names with them, right?
This book I've been writing, that I've not worked on in a while, shares my heart. As I wrote those 65 pages I questioned, "what is this book about?". And, "who is this book for?". And I think that's partly why I haven't picked up writing it again just yet, I'm still trying to answer those questions. This book is about my faith, it's about foster care, it's about my emotional struggle with infertility, it's about depression, it's about our relationship with our kids birth parents... I just want one thing to pinpoint it on, and I'm not sure where to place the pin. It's about all of it and more. And who is this book for? Who is the audience I'm trying to write to? That's hard to say. Am I hoping to encourage others who are struggling with infertility? Am I hoping to share with foster parents a heart for the birth parents of their kids? Am I hoping to show birth parents what a struggle it is being on this side of things? It's not all sunshine and daisies on this side of the foster care system either, lemme tell ya... Who?? Why am I writing this??
As I work to answer these questions one thing seems clear, I need to step off the line I've been walking for so long. And doing that? That's a scary thought.