Last night Jared and I prayed together, he prayed out loud and then I did. I've heard so many people talk lately about having a "prayer partner". I've never had one of those, not really sure what I think about it either.... I like the idea, it sounds good, but it's new to me. It makes me nervous to pray out loud, even to my husband, or my dog.. cat... myself.... I've been praying silently to myself for so many years here and there that just trying to speak out loud when I pray feels really... strange. Jared's been getting closer to God, and he talks about praying over things, and what God has been showing him lately, and.... I feel like Jared's going to leave me behind in the dark. I've felt that way for months now. I've felt so distant from God and the ABC's to get closer to Him just... I dunno. I'm having a hard time with all of that. I'm excited that Jared is getting a closer relationship with Him, I don't want to hold him back from that in any way, but I don't want him to leave me behind either. Anyways..... I'm hoping this prayer partner thing will help bring me along in all of this.
I don't really know what to post about today. It's been so long since I've posted much that I've just got so many things rambling around in my mind that they just kinda tumble out.
I'm again starting to stress about money issues. I stressed over that before I left on summer break worrying that I'd have to get a part time job to help make ends meet. Well God told me then to quit worrying about it that He had it covered. Now getting back to work after summer break... I knew I couldn't count on saving up money right away, something always comes up, ya know? But I was hoping I could start paying off some of our bills. Now it seems before I can even start more bills are coming in! The annual termite inspection.... vet reminder for yearly shots.... Jared's truck is making a funny noise, should probably get that looked at soon.... It's all piling up fast and I'm getting overwhelmed! So much so that when Jared's grandma came over the other day she took me grocery shopping.
It's very humbling to have someone else buy your groceries.... To make a grocery list knowing someone else is going to pay for it... It's sad how our society works. How much I'd rather go jump on the government financial aid and have them pay for my groceries, than to have family who are there for us, who want to help us, who should be the ones helping us in the first place, it's their job for goodness sakes to care for their family in times of need anyways!... Bleh. Why do we think the government can take better care of us than our own families? God gave us a family for a reason. And one of those reasons is because sometimes we just can't do it all on our own. God will see us through.
I never want to be on government financial assistance again. God will take care of us! Why should I feel the need for the government to take care of me? I saw how dependant I became on SNAP.... I was terrified when it was to be taken away! I wasn't sure how we could manage without it. God designed us to be co-dependant, did you know that? I really truly believe God designed us to be co-dependant, but here's the catch, He designed us to be co-dependant on HIM. Not our parents, not our spouse, not the government, not anyone but Him. I have co-dependency problems.... lol. I hope one day that the only person, being, whatever, that I will be co-dependant upon is God. Plan to get to that point some day. lol.
Last time I felt suffocated by money stress I practically ran to get on food stamps (which turned out we got on a different program called SNAP that I had never heard of before, but same difference in my mind, it's a program that gives us food money). I was under a lot of financial stress and felt I could barely stand up, and when things got a little bit heavier than I thought I could handle..... I didn't turn to God. Now looking back I feel like I totally insulted God by going somewhere else for help.
Anyways.... I don't know how we're going to make it through these next few months.... But I'm trying to learn the truth in the fact that God said He'll take care of us. Here's hoping.