The other day there was a baby dedication at our church. As a woman who is barren baby dedications can mean a roller-coaster of fairly negative emotions. As I sat there listening to the words the minister was saying first thing I thought was *will that ever be me up there?*. It wouldn't be right or whatever to do a baby dedication for a foster child. Who knows how long they will stay with us? We can't commit to raising this child up right or whatever when we don't know if we'll get to keep them... Then I wondered if it would be weird and if they'd be willing to do a child dedication if we adopt.
As I sat dreaming of adoption, I heard him say something about how this was a "miracle baby" and I thought *were they infertile too? how long did it take them to conceive? maybe he didn't mean miracle baby like I'm thinking and instead the baby had survived some rough times...*.
As I'm trying not to think of infertility he says "The fruit of the womb is God's gift to His people.". And bam! I feel like I just got stabbed with a knife. A sharp pain hit me and a wave of depression swept over me. I wanted to be anywhere else but there in that moment as I thought how God hadn't given me "fruit of the womb". I tried to push the feelings back and thought *maybe He's given me fruit of someone else's womb* and instead that thought just made me feel even more hurt. That's not how He intended things! Does God bless people through adoption? Yes. But do you think He intends for mothers to be torn away from the children that they've born? No, surely not. Adoption is still a blessing, but it's not the same. It's secondary. It's like... like they didn't honor the blessing He gave them and so now He's giving it to someone else who will appreciate it. I don't know...
Even though I technically have children now (no matter how temporary they may be) sometimes this barren stuff is still difficult to deal with. I'm tired of moments like these where my heart hurts for something I don't know if I will ever receive.
