God loves them. He goes before them. He fights for... them?
There are these other verses that stand out to me that speak to my heart about their birth parents. One of them is to remind myself that I am not better than they are:
Deuteronomy 9:4-6"4Do not say in your heart, after the Lord your God has driven them out before you, "On account of my righteousness the Lord has brought me in to posses this land," but it is because of the wickedness of these nations the Lord is driving them out before you. 5It is not because of your righteousness or the uprightness of your heart that you enter to posses their land, but because of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord your God drives them out before you, and that He may fulfill the word which the Lord swore to your father's, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. 6Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is not giving you this good land to posses on account of your righteousness, for you are a stubborn people."
I wrote a note in my Bible several years ago about those verses. "9:4-6 Make me think of children. It's not because of our righteousness that we are foster parents. Whether or not their biological families were full of wickedness, it's not because of our righteousness. The verses following remind God's people of their own past wickedness."
Can I tell you that is a very hard thing to grasp? You see we like to think that if it's because they are wicked, then it stands to reason it must be because we are good, right? It's so easy to get proud! So easy to think we are better than them, but we're not. We are all sheep, and God is the Shepherd. He loves us and we are dear to Him, but the ones still lost? He leaves the 99 to go after the 1. He loves them too. Always has and always will.
I've talked through our timeline a few times recently, I notice I haven't mentioned God's love for them in it. I talk one-sided our ups and downs, all our hellos and goodbyes. I haven't said hardly anything about birth parents at all when I tell our story. God loves them too. That's where my story should start. That's where my story should end. That's what my story should always come back to; God loves them too. Us being chosen to raise these kids has nothing to do with a lack of love for them. It was a "God thing" that Edwin made it here, and it was a "God thing" that their birth dad got full custody back of brother and sister when they left us. Everything worked out just right for him to get them back. Case even closed on his late mother's birthday. That was God, wasn't it?
So many years ago when I felt like the office had turned on me, that wasn't me being hated, that was them being loved. When custody was returned to their birth dad, that wasn't us being hated, that was them being loved. God giving us new names for all these kids? It's love! Love for both. I have felt hated by God to have new names for kids who leave. But God giving us those new names? I believe it means eventually those names will actually legally be their names. Them being ours? That's love, right? Feels like torture to know it'll end with them all here, because how do I support reunification if I know it won't last? Love, love is how.
What's crazy is that the meanings in the new names are a message for them. I feel hated to support reunification, but they probably feel hated to support adoption. Seeing things end? Having rights terminated? Never getting to raise these kids again? Hated. I bet they feel hated by God. The kids getting new names makes us feel loved by God, right? And them probably feeling hated? But. But yet their new names are a message from God to them. That's them being loved. I think God wants to erase their birth names, but send a message with their new names to their birth parents.
I gave them that message before, wrote it out to birth dad in a letter while he was in jail, he has no idea that message has anything to do with names. Dad thanked me several times for that letter, and even gave credit to me for him getting back on his feet and getting his kids back because of what I said in that letter. That hurt. That hurt!!! God told me to share that message with him so that these kids could LEAVE ME??? Because I was kind to him and did what God told me to do I suffered LOSS! My family suffered loss. They left!!! And they left because of me?
One of the things I questioned for a while is, what if God only ever gave me these new names so that I would have that message to share with their birth parents? What if it was never about me and it was always about them. But now? Now I think it was always about both. It always was and always will be about both, and it doesn't make sense, and I don't know how to explain it, and.... It's God! That's God.
God gave me a desire a long time ago to have a big family. This is not how I thought He would fulfill that desire, but I now believe that desire really was and is from Him and these kids are why. But it's not just about me and my desire for a big family, there is so much more to all of this than it being about me and my dreams coming true. God loves them.
Someone told me several months back before these kids returned to our home to not share that message with them again, not until after they're adopted. And I debate sometimes whether or not I should really wait.
