AND He Doesn't Hate Them

God loves them. He goes before them. He fights for... them? 

There are these other verses that stand out to me that speak to my heart about their birth parents. One of them is to remind myself that I am not better than they are:

 

Deuteronomy 9:4-6

"4Do not say in your heart, after the Lord your God has driven them out before you, "On account of my righteousness the Lord has brought me in to posses this land," but it is because of the wickedness of these nations the Lord is driving them out before you. 5It is not because of your righteousness or the uprightness of your heart that you enter to posses their land, but because of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord your God drives them out before you, and that He may fulfill the word which the Lord swore to your father's, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. 6Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is not giving you this good land to posses on account of your righteousness, for you are a stubborn people."

I wrote a note in my Bible several years ago about those verses. "9:4-6 Make me think of children. It's not because of our righteousness that we are foster parents. Whether or not their biological families were full of wickedness, it's not because of our righteousness. The verses following remind God's people of their own past wickedness."

Can I tell you that is a very hard thing to grasp? You see we like to think that if it's because they are wicked, then it stands to reason it must be because we are good, right? It's so easy to get proud! So easy to think we are better than them, but we're not. We are all sheep, and God is the Shepherd. He loves us and we are dear to Him, but the ones still lost? He leaves the 99 to go after the 1. He loves them too. Always has and always will. 

     I've talked through our timeline a few times recently, I notice I haven't mentioned God's love for them in it. I talk one-sided our ups and downs, all our hellos and goodbyes. I haven't said hardly anything about birth parents at all when I tell our story. God loves them too. That's where my story should start. That's where my story should end. That's what my story should always come back to; God loves them too. Us being chosen to raise these kids has nothing to do with a lack of love for them. It was a "God thing" that Edwin made it here, and it was a "God thing" that their birth dad got full custody back of brother and sister when they left us. Everything worked out just right for him to get them back. Case even closed on his late mother's birthday. That was God, wasn't it? 

     So many years ago when I felt like the office had turned on me, that wasn't me being hated, that was them being loved. When custody was returned to their birth dad, that wasn't us being hated, that was them being loved. God giving us new names for all these kids? It's love! Love for both. I have felt hated by God to have new names for kids who leave. But God giving us those new names? I believe it means eventually those names will actually legally be their names. Them being ours? That's love, right? Feels like torture to know it'll end with them all here, because how do I support reunification if I know it won't last? Love, love is how. 

     What's crazy is that the meanings in the new names are a message for them. I feel hated to support reunification, but they probably feel hated to support adoption. Seeing things end? Having rights terminated? Never getting to raise these kids again? Hated. I bet they feel hated by God. The kids getting new names makes us feel loved by God, right? And them probably feeling hated? But. But yet their new names are a message from God to them. That's them being loved. I think God wants to erase their birth names, but send a message with their new names to their birth parents. 

     I gave them that message before, wrote it out to birth dad in a letter while he was in jail, he has no idea that message has anything to do with names. Dad thanked me several times for that letter, and even gave credit to me for him getting back on his feet and getting his kids back because of what I said in that letter. That hurt. That hurt!!! God told me to share that message with him so that these kids could LEAVE ME??? Because I was kind to him and did what God told me to do I suffered LOSS! My family suffered loss. They left!!! And they left because of me?

     One of the things I questioned for a while is, what if God only ever gave me these new names so that I would have that message to share with their birth parents? What if it was never about me and it was always about them. But now? Now I think it was always about both. It always was and always will be about both, and it doesn't make sense, and I don't know how to explain it, and.... It's God! That's God. 

     God gave me a desire a long time ago to have a big family. This is not how I thought He would fulfill that desire, but I now believe that desire really was and is from Him and these kids are why. But it's not just about me and my desire for a big family, there is so much more to all of this than it being about me and my dreams coming true. God loves them. 

Someone told me several months back before these kids returned to our home to not share that message with them again, not until after they're adopted. And I debate sometimes whether or not I should really wait.

God Doesn't Hate Me

Last month I went to a ladies luncheon where everyone had a prayer card waiting for them at their seat. There wasn't any assigned seating, so the prayer card was randomly placed, and yet everyone at my table was talking about how the prayer card they got was talking directly to them. Mine? It said:

God loves you so much 

that He sent His Son to die for you. 

Jesus is the proof of God's love. 

~ 

 For God so loved the world that 

He gave His only begotten Son, 

that whoever believes in Him should 

not perish but have everlasting life. 

John 3:16 NKJV

 

To God be the glory, great things He has done. 

So loved He the world that He gave us His Son. 

FRANNY CROSBY

My friend next to me asked what my card said, and I was just like, "Apparently I'm not feeling loved." Because when I read that all I can see is that it tells me over and over again God loves me.

Few days later I was reading through my notebook (journal) from last year. It's strange reading about how much I wondered and asked God if their siblings would return, and now here they are! What I was writing about last July though was about their names. I was writing about how the kids are getting older and if those names are really names God gave us for them... And I just started writing, God it's been more than 2 years! It's been more than 2 years now since they left us!!! Are they really coming back?! And here was the response:

Two years is nothing, 

nothing in My eyes.

What I have planned,

is good for you guys. 

 

You question, you wonder,

and you won't stop asking "why?"

But I have a reason, I have a purpose, 

and it is good for you guys. 

 

It is good,

do you hear Me?

Trust Me, Believe.

What I have destined, it will be. 

 

Have a little more faith.

Remember that I love you.

And I would never make 

you wait for no good reason.

I read that and felt like He was saying those exact same words to me today about everything I've been thinking and feeling about some new stuff..... "Remember that I love you". There it is again, God saying He loves me. Coincidence? Hmmm...

It's funny how I'm being told over and over and over again that God loves me and I'm just like, "Yeah yeah, I know, I know..." But then when I was reading in Deuteronomy chapter one this week about the Israelites feeling hated by God... it broke me. You see, I "know" I'm loved by God, but what I didn't realize is just how much I've felt hated by Him.

20 "...You have come to the mountains of the Amorites, which the Lord our God is giving us."

27 "...Because the Lord hates us, He has brought us out of the land of Egypt to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites to destroy us."

The way God has called us to grow our family, the way that He has brought us in growing our family, it has been HARD! But He doesn't hate us. It was never because He hates us. The rollercoaster ride we've been on is not because He hates us. Every goodbye? All that pain? The waiting for more than 2 years for these guys to come back? It was not because He hates us. Fifteen and a half years of infertility? Not because He hates us. The waiting we've already done for termination of parental rights to happen this time, not because He hates us. If we have to continue to wait for rights to be terminated, if the youngest ends up leaving us, if baby sister isn't a "baby" when she gets here, if... It's not because He hates us.

The Isrealites saw the mountains of the Amorites that God was giving them and they said, "No! It's going to be too hard! God must hate us. "...The people are greater and taller than we. The cities are great and walled up to heaven. And moreover, we have seen the sons of the Anakites there." (Deuteronomy 1:28) It's too much God! What You are calling us to do to receive what You say is for us, it's too much. God, we'll be destroyed before we ever receive it!"

Here I am with six children, so many of them I've had to say goodbye to already not knowing if they'd ever come back. And even when I was promised they'd be back, I/we still had to say goodbye. I fear the goodbyes aren't over yet. I hope and pray they are for the two siblings that used to be with us, but little brother? He might leave us, and it's going to hurt. It'll hurt all of us if he leaves, but if he does? It's not because God hates us. Jesus, God's own Son, begged that the cup He had be taken from Him, and God said no. It wasn't because God hated Him! And Jesus knew that. I've been begging for a long time to not have the cup of reunification with birth parents. Been begging that we can get off this ride with DHS. Begging and pleading that we can be done. So far the answer has been no. Jesus knew what waited for Him on the other side would be worth it, but He still begged not to go through the pain. We will have our moment of "it is finished." Our family will be complete one day. One day it'll all be over. Done. And it'll all have been worth it.

29-31 "...Do not be terrified or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes before you, He shall fight for you, just as all that He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, in all the way that you went, until you came to this place."

God loves us. He goes before us. He fights for us. And He wants to carry us through every step as a father carries his children. God is good. And what He wants for us is good. Every hardship we've had to face, none of it has been because He hates us. If we can trust and endure until the end, it'll all be worth it.

How Far I'll Go / A Million Dreams

I heard the song How Far I'll Go from Moana several months ago and cried my eyes out because of it's parallel to me and my desire to have a big family.

How Far I'll Go: 

I've been staring at the edge of the water
Long as I can remember
Never really knowing why (I've always wanted a big family)
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water no matter how hard I try (God I'm sorry! I want to be a good daughter and be content with everything You've already given me and then... There it is! I see a big family and there that desire is again! If that is not what You want for me, PLEASE take that desire away!)

 

Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know where I cannot go
Where I long to be (I can't get there on my own!!! I can't get pregnant! I can't MAKE the kids who I want to adopt come back to my house and be adoptable and... I can't make ANY OF IT HAPPEN! I can NOT grow my family. Only You God, only You can give me a big family...)

 

See the line where the sky meets the sea?
It calls me
And no one knows how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
If I go, there's just no telling how far I'll go (if DHS keeps approving placements of siblings... who knows how many times we'll say yes to more! And then there's always the possibility You could cause me to get pregnant some day... Who knows when my family will be done growing!)

 

I know everybody on this island seems so happy on this island
Everything is by design (everyone else seems content with the sizes of their families that You have given them)
I know everybody on this island has a role on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine (I can do this... I'll be ok with...)

 

I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I'll be satisfied if I play along (Three is fine... I can be fine with three.. three is great! I just need to embrace being a mom of three boys. I can do this!)
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me? (Why?!?! Why can't I do this!? Why can't I just be content!!!)

 

See the light as it shines on the sea?
It's blinding (Blinding!!! The desire is so strong!)
But no one knows how deep it goes (Not even sure I understand how deep this desire is)
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me (God bring them back! Grow my family! Do something...)
And let me know (PLEASE)
What's beyond that line, will I cross that line? (Will I get there?! Will I have a big family?!)

 

See the line where the sky meets the sea?
It calls me
And no one knows how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know how far I'll go (one day it'll end, our family will be done growing, and I'll finally know our family is complete)

 

 

Crying my eyes out again as I type all that out to tell you about that song. The others came back! They are HERE! And there's another one with them. I'm currently the mom of SIX kids. And you know what? There's another one on the way, and it's a girl, and I want a sister for my daughter..... I don't know when our family will be done growing. I don't know when DHS will stop approving us for more kids, or God will tell us to stop saying yes to more kids, or.... But we have a passenger van now. God saw fit to make a way for us to own a 12 passenger van. The day God told us about that van, later that very same day we found out our kids birth mama is pregnant again. Coincidence? I don't think so. And maybe we're crazy, but I know my answer is yes if we get called for placement of another. And I'm pretty sure my husband's answer is yes too. 

Another song in my head that really hit home was/is A Million Dreams from The Greatest Showman.

A Million Dreams:

 

I close my eyes and I can see
A world that's waiting up for me
That I call my own (a big family that's mine)
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one's been before
But it feels like home (our big family, here, in our smallish house)

 

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy (up to 6 kids now, might say yes to more? lol)
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind (yep, people probably thinking that already)
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy (nope, don't care!)
We can live in a world that we design.

 

'Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake (I see bunk beds.. large kitchen tables.. big sectional couches...)
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see (those things all fitting just right in the space that we have)
A million dreams is all it's gonna take
Oh a million dreams for the world we're gonna make

 

There's a house we can build
Every room inside is filled
With things from far away
Special things I compile
Each one there to make you smile
On a rainy day (I want to embrace minimalism and be good and intentional with the space that we have so we own the things we truly want and love and not just a bunch of junk)

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say we've lost our minds
I don't care, I don't care if they call us crazy
Runaway to a world that we design

 

(chorus)

However big, however small
Let Me be part of it all (God! God says He wants to be a part of this! However big my family is, or however small, He wants to be a part of it!)
Share your dreams with Me (He desires for me to share my heart with Him)
You may be right, you may be wrong (thinking He is going to bring even more our way...)
But say that you'll bring Me along (no matter what, God doesn't want to be left out)
To the world you see
To the world I close my eyes to see
I close my eyes to see

 

Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
A million dreams, a million dreams (oh I have so many dreams for our family!)

I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it's gonna take
A million dreams for the world we're gonna make

For the world we're gonna make (only God knows if those dreams will happen, and He will have to be involved or they never will)

I have so many dreams for our family. How I want to raise our kids, how I want to homeschool them, how I want to encourage a good healthy relationship between them and their birth parents, how I want to decorate and paint the rooms in our home a different color and write with a white paint pen scriptures on our walls... So many thoughts and dreams! I have dreams about so much more than just bunk beds and tables, but so many of those dreams I can't begin to work on until later. I can't even put all the kids in the rooms like I want them in the rooms until after adoptions because of certain rules and regulations. God knows my dreams! He knows all my hopes for the future. He knows all the things I hope to instill in the hearts of our children as we raise them. So I sing that song, and I close my eyes and I can see this world, this life of ours, different than what it is now. Better than what it is now. Right now life is crazy, and most of the time a bit chaotic. But life won't stay that way! At least not quite like it is right now. Right now we have six kids, half that share our last name and half that don't, and it causes a divide that until things change we can only dream about what things'll be like on the other side. And so I do, I dream, and my dreams for the future are something I enjoy dreaming about. ♡

No More Empty Hooks

We moved on! Kind of... sort of...

One of the first things I did was replace the towel hooks on the back of the bathroom door. When their siblings were with us, before youngest arrived, we had the perfect amount of hooks with 6. Then little brother joined us and we were short one hook for the next 98 days. Then two siblings left and now I'd been looking at an empty hook for more than a year and a half. Every time I saw that empty hook I was heartbroken. We once had so many kids that we needed an another hook, but now we had a hook to spare. So finally, I bought new hooks. A set of 5, perfect for our family:

I made scrabble tiles to go above our kitchen table to spell out our names. I love it! And as I put them up Darrell, our oldest, asked me about putting up their siblings names, the ones that aren't with us anymore... I told him this is just for those who live here now, and they don't. 

Later I got this sign with our names on it in the mail, had no idea who sent it, and I cried. I cried because... because I wish there was more names. But I did my best to embrace it, and I gathered up some things I'd been meaning to hang up, and did this display on the wall above our couch:

When I saw Darrell write "dad of 3" on the back of Jared's car in the dirt of the window, and later, when I was driving, he changed it to say "mom of 3". I was both heartbroken and a bit.. I don't know. I felt like I'd finally done it! I got my family to move on!! And... I hated my accomplishment? Because though it was GOOD for us to move on, I never really wanted to move on... I wanted the others to be back before we'd had that chance. Almost 2 and a half years later we were just now moving on? It was definitely time...

In August I finally finished writing my letter to birth parents, and got it sent! I thought, finally! I can breathe! I got it sent! Done! Then the very next day I found out some things that got me worried, wondering, fearing, (and somewhat hoping) that their siblings might come back into care. Things didn't look or sound good at all from the update I read. I was horribly stressed and really struggling to MOVE ON! 

In September I went on a women's retreat. During the retreat I let it go. My stress? It was because I feared so badly that they could come into care and NOT come to us, and that somehow, if that happened, it'd be MY fault it happened. It was so hard... We sang songs like, "He's never gonna let, never gonna let me down...". And I thought, "But what if He does? And what about when...". Is God good even if they don't come back? Is God good even if He allows them to not return? Is.... I was told to let it go, to open the palms of my hands and let it go. And I cried. With tears streaming down my face, and my palms open, I quietly sang to God, "You've got the whole world in Your hands... I've got nothing in my hands...". And I placed it all, I placed them, the whole situation, everything in HIS hands. None of it was ever really in mine anyway. 

A week or two after I got back from retreat, my husband tells me that he wants to do a men's retreat. And so he started planning one! His topic: Make A Joyful Noise. He said he was going to have two sessions, the first one about the freedom to praise, the second about the power of praise. His example of freedom from the Old Testament with King David, and his example of the power of praise from the New Testament with Paul and Silas in jail. How you can praise God either way! Hearing about this? I was so excited to see his excitement to do this men's retreat. So proud of him, and proud to be called his wife. His topic? I felt he'd made it to the other side accepting they won't return. Even in the heartbreak, he would praise the Lord.

On October 6th I read Isaiah chapter 62, and a few of the verses stood out to me.

 

Isaiah‬ ‭62:1‭-‬12‬ ‭MEV‬‬ "[1] For the sake of Zion I will not keep silent, and for the sake of Jerusalem I will not rest until her righteousness goes forth as brightness and her salvation as a lamp that burns. [2] The nations shall see your righteousness, and all kings your glory. And you shall be called by a new name, which the mouth of the Lord shall name. [3] You shall also be a crown of glory in the hand of the Lord and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. [4] You shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be termed Desolate; but you shall be called My Delight Is In Her, and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married. [5] For as a young man marries a virgin, so your sons shall marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God shall rejoice over you. [6] I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem, who shall never hold their peace day nor night. You who remind the Lord, do not keep silent; [7] give Him no rest until He establishes and makes Jerusalem a glory in the earth. [8] The Lord has sworn by His right hand and by His strong arm: Surely I will no longer give your grain as food for your enemies; and the sons of the foreigners shall not drink your wine for which you have labored. [9] But those who have gathered it shall eat it and praise the Lord; and those who have brought it shall drink it in the courts of My sanctuary. [10] Go through, go through the gates. Prepare the way of the people; build up, build up the highway. Remove the stones; lift up a standard over the peoples. [11] The Lord has proclaimed to the ends of the earth: Say to the daughter of Zion, “See, your salvation comes; see, His reward is with Him, and His recompense before Him.” [12] They shall call them The Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you shall be called Sought Out, a City Not Forsaken." 

After I read those verses I walked the dog and my prayer during that time was different that day.  "You who remind the Lord, do not keep silent." Does God need me to remind Him? As I walked the dog I again picked up the thoughts about the names, the names for these kids! Names I feel GOD has given me for THEM. "And you shall be called by a new name, that the mouth of the Lord shall name." I want to take credit for the names that have been picked out for my kids, but more and more I can't! I prayed about those names. "God YOU picked out those names. I don't know about the newest name, but the others I know that was You. The way they lined up and everything, I didn't do that, that was You. And if YOU want those names to be their names? You're going to have to do it. I can't make them come back. And I can't make those names their names, I can't. Only YOU can do that. And each of the names? They have You in the name. I can't raise Darrell up right, I can't comfort James in the way that he needs and take away his anxieties, I can't make my son feel loved, I can't make her feel satisfied, I can't make Edwin who is the baby of the family feel remembered and not forgotten about when more kids get here, and I can't make the new baby who obviously has a different bio-dad than the others feel treasured. I can't! I can try as hard as I can, but I CAN'T make those things happen, I can't, only You can. Jeremiah; God will raise up, Nehemiah; God is my comfort, Jedidiah; beloved of the Lord, Elizabeth; God is my satisfaction, Zechariah; remembered of the Lord, Zephaniah; treasured by God. Your name is in all of them, I can't make these things happen. You might use me to make those things happen, but I can't do it myself, I can't." 

     Later that very day, I got "the call", and late that night we tucked in 6 kids.

     I don't know what to say about that day other than God heard my prayer. I tend to think that my prayers don't really matter. That my prayers can't MAKE God do anything. If God wants to do something, He'll do it, regardless of anything I myself have to say. And yet? And yet when I read my Bible I see over and over again God do things BECAUSE of someone's prayer. "You who remind the Lord, do not keep silent.". I believe God gave me these names I have for our kids, HE gave these names. And if He gave them?? He WILL establish them. He will make that come to pass. And in the meantime, I suppose I will stand in faith and remind the Lord until He does.

Un-Moving On/Un-Forgive

I think that's what I keep doing: I move on, and then I un-move on. I forgive, and then I un-forgive. And then I do it all over again... 

Back when I wrote about the name Irene Annabelle, I forgave! I forgave God for me never being pregnant. I told God that I will still love Him if He never takes away my reproach. And then next thing I know, a few months back, I was installing the "pre-mom app" and had bought pregnancy test strips because we were trying to conceive again...

The worst part about it all is that I knew before I installed the app, or bought the pregnancy test strips, that the real reason I wanted to get pregnant right now is because I've been depressed. I ALWAYS fall back on wanting to be pregnant when I get depressed. The excuses for wanting to be, the reasons behind "why" this time around might be different, BUT I have a huge habit of wanting to be pregnant when I get depressed and I know it and knew it before installing the app or buying the tests. I knew better, but anyway....

Trying to get pregnant is a mental distraction from whatever it is that I'm not wanting to think about. Let me just focus instead over here on test strips and timing and envisioning what it might be like to feel a baby moving around inside me and my kids getting to feel the baby kick and me needing to buy pregnancy clothes and nursing outfits and.... 

Satan is good at what he does, and I'm not good at fighting off his words. He knows my weak spots. This time around he came at me with fear that maybe I haven't NOT been getting pregnant all these years, maybe I have been and I've just been early miscarrying this whole time. Terrifying thought, absolutely terrifying. I tested at least once a week every week for the last several months and never saw two lines. My cycles were all over the place, one of them definitely seemed late, but I tested several times and there was never two lines. This fear that maybe I HAVE been getting pregnant all these years??? The stress was horrible, because then I felt it was my fault if I miscarry. That it was my fault if I've been miscarrying. And if I see two lines, and don't rush to the doctor fast enough to get on some sort of medication then I'd miscarry again and it'd be my fault...

You hearing the fear? Alongside the fear, I was also excited at the thought that maybe I could get pregnant? Maybe this could really happen? Maybe...

No, just, no. Why do I allow Satan to come at me in ways like this? I should EXPECT when I'm depressed that he'll come at me again in some sort of way to make me desire a pregnancy once again. And no matter what the reason is, I should throw it out the door.

I'm getting older! I wanted to be done growing our family by the time I'm 35, if I were pregnant now I'd be 35 already when the baby is born... Last chance to try! Running out of time! My timeline says...

God doesn't care about my timeline. He knows it, and He cares about it some because He knows I care about it, BUT! But my timeline?!? It means nothing. God can do what He wants, when He wants, and it'll be better than any time that I myself would come up with, right? And look at Abraham and Sarah, or Issac and Rebecca, or Zechariah and Elizabeth..... I don't think God was very concerned about THEIR timeline for things to happen. God made things happen in HIS good and perfect time.

Irene Annabelle is a name for me. The name speaks life into what I want for myself. A promise from God for this particular "feeling" I've dreamt of having for so long that I've had a taste of for a moment here and there over the years but never get to keep. That feeling is coming and it is going to stay. 

Irene = Peace

Anna = God is gracious/His grace is sufficient + belle = God is my satisfaction 

Nickname:

Ira-belle = Answer to my prayers

God will give me His peace, that longing for more will go away. God is gracious, and His grace is enough! He has blessed me already with MORE than I ever deserved, and if He NEVER blesses me again I will be ok because His blessings are more than enough already. My desire to mother WILL BE quenched with the satisfaction that can only be found in God. The answer to my prayers is that I will feel that my family is "complete". That we would feel whole. That I would have this peace and contentment in the size of my family. I have felt it, here and there over the years. There are these moments that stand out in my mind where things just felt "perfect". I looked at my family and was filled with so much love and joy and contentment and... I don't know! Things just felt perfect in those moments and I felt I could be happy for the rest of my life with what I already have right now. 

I miss the others. Our kids other siblings that we used to have. This is the hardest it has ever been to move on. I cried Monday over a few sets of clothes and their water cups that I still have for "just in case...". A couple of their old blankets... In moving on, do I toss the clothes? Do I toss their old water cups that are matchy to our boys cups? Do I...

I put it all back and walked away. I need to move on, but it's so hard!!!!! Maybe they'd fit in these few outfits still, I've already tossed so many that I know would already be too small, but these.... These clothes are my hopes and dreams of their return. My hopes and dreams that they'll be back in time to wear them before the season turns again or they age another year.

I forgave God for me never being pregnant and told Him I'd still love Him if He never takes away my reproach, but then I think I un-forgave Him as I tried again and begged for Him to make me pregnant. But moving on from dreaming and hoping and wishing that their other siblings would be with us again some day.... It is so much easier to try to accept and forgive God for me maybe NEVER being pregnant, but to accept and move on that their other siblings might NEVER be here? That is so much harder, so very much harder.

Irabelle. Irene Annabelle. If I can focus on the truths in that name. A new name God had given me. If I can learn those truths... I'll get there. God help me get there.