One of the first things I did was replace the towel hooks on the back of the bathroom door. When their siblings were with us, before youngest arrived, we had the perfect amount of hooks with 6. Then little brother joined us and we were short one hook for the next 98 days. Then two siblings left and now I'd been looking at an empty hook for more than a year and a half. Every time I saw that empty hook I was heartbroken. We once had so many kids that we needed an another hook, but now we had a hook to spare. So finally, I bought new hooks. A set of 5, perfect for our family:
I made scrabble tiles to go above our kitchen table to spell out our names. I love it! And as I put them up Darrell, our oldest, asked me about putting up their siblings names, the ones that aren't with us anymore... I told him this is just for those who live here now, and they don't.
Later I got this sign with our names on it in the mail, had no idea who sent it, and I cried. I cried because... because I wish there was more names. But I did my best to embrace it, and I gathered up some things I'd been meaning to hang up, and did this display on the wall above our couch:
When I saw Darrell write "dad of 3" on the back of Jared's car in the dirt of the window, and later, when I was driving, he changed it to say "mom of 3". I was both heartbroken and a bit.. I don't know. I felt like I'd finally done it! I got my family to move on!! And... I hated my accomplishment? Because though it was GOOD for us to move on, I never really wanted to move on... I wanted the others to be back before we'd had that chance. Almost 2 and a half years later we were just now moving on? It was definitely time...
In August I finally finished writing my letter to birth parents, and got it sent! I thought, finally! I can breathe! I got it sent! Done! Then the very next day I found out some things that got me worried, wondering, fearing, (and somewhat hoping) that their siblings might come back into care. Things didn't look or sound good at all from the update I read. I was horribly stressed and really struggling to MOVE ON!
In September I went on a women's retreat. During the retreat I let it go. My stress? It was because I feared so badly that they could come into care and NOT come to us, and that somehow, if that happened, it'd be MY fault it happened. It was so hard... We sang songs like, "He's never gonna let, never gonna let me down...". And I thought, "But what if He does? And what about when...". Is God good even if they don't come back? Is God good even if He allows them to not return? Is.... I was told to let it go, to open the palms of my hands and let it go. And I cried. With tears streaming down my face, and my palms open, I quietly sang to God, "You've got the whole world in Your hands... I've got nothing in my hands...". And I placed it all, I placed them, the whole situation, everything in HIS hands. None of it was ever really in mine anyway.
A week or two after I got back from retreat, my husband tells me that he wants to do a men's retreat. And so he started planning one! His topic: Make A Joyful Noise. He said he was going to have two sessions, the first one about the freedom to praise, the second about the power of praise. His example of freedom from the Old Testament with King David, and his example of the power of praise from the New Testament with Paul and Silas in jail. How you can praise God either way! Hearing about this? I was so excited to see his excitement to do this men's retreat. So proud of him, and proud to be called his wife. His topic? I felt he'd made it to the other side accepting they won't return. Even in the heartbreak, he would praise the Lord.
Isaiah 62:1-12 MEV "[1] For the sake of Zion I will not keep silent, and for the sake of Jerusalem I will not rest until her righteousness goes forth as brightness and her salvation as a lamp that burns. [2] The nations shall see your righteousness, and all kings your glory. And you shall be called by a new name, which the mouth of the Lord shall name. [3] You shall also be a crown of glory in the hand of the Lord and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. [4] You shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be termed Desolate; but you shall be called My Delight Is In Her, and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married. [5] For as a young man marries a virgin, so your sons shall marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God shall rejoice over you. [6] I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem, who shall never hold their peace day nor night. You who remind the Lord, do not keep silent; [7] give Him no rest until He establishes and makes Jerusalem a glory in the earth. [8] The Lord has sworn by His right hand and by His strong arm: Surely I will no longer give your grain as food for your enemies; and the sons of the foreigners shall not drink your wine for which you have labored. [9] But those who have gathered it shall eat it and praise the Lord; and those who have brought it shall drink it in the courts of My sanctuary. [10] Go through, go through the gates. Prepare the way of the people; build up, build up the highway. Remove the stones; lift up a standard over the peoples. [11] The Lord has proclaimed to the ends of the earth: Say to the daughter of Zion, “See, your salvation comes; see, His reward is with Him, and His recompense before Him.” [12] They shall call them The Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you shall be called Sought Out, a City Not Forsaken."
After I read those verses I walked the dog and my prayer during that time was different that day. "You who remind the Lord, do not keep silent." Does God need me to remind Him? As I walked the dog I again picked up the thoughts about the names, the names for these kids! Names I feel GOD has given me for THEM. "And you shall be called by a new name, that the mouth of the Lord shall name." I want to take credit for the names that have been picked out for my kids, but more and more I can't! I prayed about those names. "God YOU picked out those names. I don't know about the newest name, but the others I know that was You. The way they lined up and everything, I didn't do that, that was You. And if YOU want those names to be their names? You're going to have to do it. I can't make them come back. And I can't make those names their names, I can't. Only YOU can do that. And each of the names? They have You in the name. I can't raise Darrell up right, I can't comfort James in the way that he needs and take away his anxieties, I can't make my son feel loved, I can't make her feel satisfied, I can't make Edwin who is the baby of the family feel remembered and not forgotten about when more kids get here, and I can't make the new baby who obviously has a different bio-dad than the others feel treasured. I can't! I can try as hard as I can, but I CAN'T make those things happen, I can't, only You can. Jeremiah; God will raise up, Nehemiah; God is my comfort, Jedidiah; beloved of the Lord, Elizabeth; God is my satisfaction, Zechariah; remembered of the Lord, Zephaniah; treasured by God. Your name is in all of them, I can't make these things happen. You might use me to make those things happen, but I can't do it myself, I can't."
Later that very day, I got "the call", and late that night we tucked in 6 kids.
I don't know what to say about that day other than God heard my prayer. I tend to think that my prayers don't really matter. That my prayers can't MAKE God do anything. If God wants to do something, He'll do it, regardless of anything I myself have to say. And yet? And yet when I read my Bible I see over and over again God do things BECAUSE of someone's prayer. "You who remind the Lord, do not keep silent.". I believe God gave me these names I have for our kids, HE gave these names. And if He gave them?? He WILL establish them. He will make that come to pass. And in the meantime, I suppose I will stand in faith and remind the Lord until He does.
