I heard the song How Far I'll Go from Moana several months ago and cried my eyes out because of it's parallel to me and my desire to have a big family.
How Far I'll Go:
I've been staring at the edge of the waterLong as I can rememberNever really knowing why (I've always wanted a big family)I wish I could be the perfect daughterBut I come back to the water no matter how hard I try (God I'm sorry! I want to be a good daughter and be content with everything You've already given me and then... There it is! I see a big family and there that desire is again! If that is not what You want for me, PLEASE take that desire away!)
Every turn I take, every trail I trackEvery path I make, every road leads backTo the place I know where I cannot goWhere I long to be (I can't get there on my own!!! I can't get pregnant! I can't MAKE the kids who I want to adopt come back to my house and be adoptable and... I can't make ANY OF IT HAPPEN! I can NOT grow my family. Only You God, only You can give me a big family...)
See the line where the sky meets the sea?It calls meAnd no one knows how far it goesIf the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me One day I'll knowIf I go, there's just no telling how far I'll go (if DHS keeps approving placements of siblings... who knows how many times we'll say yes to more! And then there's always the possibility You could cause me to get pregnant some day... Who knows when my family will be done growing!)
I know everybody on this island seems so happy on this islandEverything is by design (everyone else seems content with the sizes of their families that You have given them)I know everybody on this island has a role on this islandSo maybe I can roll with mine (I can do this... I'll be ok with...)
I can lead with pride, I can make us strongI'll be satisfied if I play along (Three is fine... I can be fine with three.. three is great! I just need to embrace being a mom of three boys. I can do this!)But the voice inside sings a different songWhat is wrong with me? (Why?!?! Why can't I do this!? Why can't I just be content!!!)
See the light as it shines on the sea?It's blinding (Blinding!!! The desire is so strong!)But no one knows how deep it goes (Not even sure I understand how deep this desire is)And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me (God bring them back! Grow my family! Do something...)And let me know (PLEASE)What's beyond that line, will I cross that line? (Will I get there?! Will I have a big family?!)
See the line where the sky meets the sea?It calls meAnd no one knows how far it goesIf the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind meOne day I'll know how far I'll go (one day it'll end, our family will be done growing, and I'll finally know our family is complete)
Crying my eyes out again as I type all that out to tell you about that song. The others came back! They are HERE! And there's another one with them. I'm currently the mom of SIX kids. And you know what? There's another one on the way, and it's a girl, and I want a sister for my daughter..... I don't know when our family will be done growing. I don't know when DHS will stop approving us for more kids, or God will tell us to stop saying yes to more kids, or.... But we have a passenger van now. God saw fit to make a way for us to own a 12 passenger van. The day God told us about that van, later that very same day we found out our kids birth mama is pregnant again. Coincidence? I don't think so. And maybe we're crazy, but I know my answer is yes if we get called for placement of another. And I'm pretty sure my husband's answer is yes too.
Another song in my head that really hit home was/is A Million Dreams from The Greatest Showman.
A Million Dreams:
I close my eyes and I can seeA world that's waiting up for meThat I call my own (a big family that's mine)Through the dark, through the doorThrough where no one's been beforeBut it feels like home (our big family, here, in our smallish house)
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy (up to 6 kids now, might say yes to more? lol)They can say, they can say I've lost my mind (yep, people probably thinking that already)I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy (nope, don't care!)We can live in a world that we design.
'Cause every night I lie in bedThe brightest colours fill my headA million dreams are keeping me awake (I see bunk beds.. large kitchen tables.. big sectional couches...)I think of what the world could beA vision of the one I see (those things all fitting just right in the space that we have)A million dreams is all it's gonna take Oh a million dreams for the world we're gonna make
There's a house we can buildEvery room inside is filledWith things from far awaySpecial things I compileEach one there to make you smileOn a rainy day (I want to embrace minimalism and be good and intentional with the space that we have so we own the things we truly want and love and not just a bunch of junk)
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazyThey can say, they can say we've lost our mindsI don't care, I don't care if they call us crazyRunaway to a world that we design
(chorus)
However big, however smallLet Me be part of it all (God! God says He wants to be a part of this! However big my family is, or however small, He wants to be a part of it!)Share your dreams with Me (He desires for me to share my heart with Him)You may be right, you may be wrong (thinking He is going to bring even more our way...)But say that you'll bring Me along (no matter what, God doesn't want to be left out)To the world you seeTo the world I close my eyes to seeI close my eyes to see
Every night I lie in bedThe brightest colours fill my headA million dreams are keeping me awakeA million dreams, a million dreams (oh I have so many dreams for our family!)
I think of what the world could beA vision of the one I seeA million dreams is all it's gonna takeA million dreams for the world we're gonna make
For the world we're gonna make (only God knows if those dreams will happen, and He will have to be involved or they never will)
I have so many dreams for our family. How I want to raise our kids, how I want to homeschool them, how I want to encourage a good healthy relationship between them and their birth parents, how I want to decorate and paint the rooms in our home a different color and write with a white paint pen scriptures on our walls... So many thoughts and dreams! I have dreams about so much more than just bunk beds and tables, but so many of those dreams I can't begin to work on until later. I can't even put all the kids in the rooms like I want them in the rooms until after adoptions because of certain rules and regulations. God knows my dreams! He knows all my hopes for the future. He knows all the things I hope to instill in the hearts of our children as we raise them. So I sing that song, and I close my eyes and I can see this world, this life of ours, different than what it is now. Better than what it is now. Right now life is crazy, and most of the time a bit chaotic. But life won't stay that way! At least not quite like it is right now. Right now we have six kids, half that share our last name and half that don't, and it causes a divide that until things change we can only dream about what things'll be like on the other side. And so I do, I dream, and my dreams for the future are something I enjoy dreaming about. ♡