Part of me likes that there is this infertility community out there that feels and thinks so many of the same things that I do. Yesterday I saw someone I used to work with that now has two kids and she informed me that she is now a stay-at-home mom. I'm happy for her, but I'm jealous because that's what I want more than anything in the world. Friday a lady who I've only talked to a few times and knows that I very much want to be a mom asked me "How's your baby?". Puzzled and hurt I turn away and tell her "I'm still not pregnant...", and she just "Oh, I'm sorry.". How can you even ask such a thing?? I've been asked before if I'm pregnant, I've been asked if we've had any luck yet, I've been asked when we're going to have our own, but... How's your baby? Even when she already knows we're trying... I dunno... When I see cute maternity clothes at the store I want to buy them for myself for one day, someday, maybe... Cute outfits that Blakely (the girl I nanny) wears I wish I could keep for when I have a child. I try to ignore my dear friend's pregnancy, cause of course I wish it were me instead, but yet I ask how her midwife appointment went? Pregnancy announcements ruin my day! I'm thrown into a state of shock that once again someone else has conceived and I try to hold it together until I can ball my eyes out somewhere else. Then I sit there going, Why am I crying?! Babies are a good thing.... I hate mother's day. Ok so I don't "hate" it... but I sure don't like it anymore. Each year I dread that day more. Sometimes when I'm holding a baby... I imagine that child is mine. Sometimes when I'm looking down at my belly... I imagine what it would be like to feel a kick. Sometimes when I use an ovulation test strip, I imagine what those two lines would look like on a pregnancy test instead. I think up ways of how I might tell people that I'm pregnant, ways that they'll always remember. I know you count cycle days, but do you count the nine months too? Cause I do that. I think if I were pregnant right now I'd be due in.... January. Or maybe the end of December. I wonder how much swimming I'll do this summer?... Will morning sickness interfere with our vacation?... I'll sure look pregnant on our anniversary.... I'll be big when Thanksgiving gets here... Good thing we're not planning to travel this Christmas.... I find myself lingering around the baby section at the store sometimes. Or looking at nursing bras, or maternity tops. And even though I love all this baby stuff.... Going to a baby shower I feel like I don't belong. People start talking about when they were pregnant. They talk about how each pregnancy is different. They ask how she's carrying. They talk cravings, morning sickness, and mood swings. And I don't have anything to contribute except when my mom was pregnant... or when my friend was pregnant... or my aunt.... Everyone there tells first hand experience, and all I have is second hand. I love all the games they like to play at baby showers! I love how happy everyone is! I love seeing all the cute things people have bought for them! And the cake and punch they normally serve! Yet the event is becoming more and more depressing for me. If I didn't come.... would they miss me? Maybe I'll just send a gift next time... My husband tells me if I don't go I'll regret it later, I'm starting to wonder if I really would. I've had friends tell me they don't think of me as infertile. I've looked up the word though. Know what it means? Having tried for a year or more without conceiving. It's been 4 and a half years! I think the label applies. Part of me wishes there was no such thing as an infertility community, because where's the joy in feelings like these? I wish I and everyone else could just enjoy not being pregnant! Could enjoy not having the responsibilities of being a mom! Enjoy all their quality time "getting to know their husband", and never feel like there's something missing in the picture. And be like in the movies when they see their friend with a child they lean over to their spouse and say "I want one of those." and poof! they're pregnant. I wish there was no sadness in wanting a child and not having one....
*due to start tomorrow... last chance for a pregnancy test before mother's day....*