Trapped Into Going

Oh I horribly despise going to church on mother's day.  I know I shouldn't... but I do.  And this year I'm stuck going.  We were going to go camping like we did last year so I could escape from it all, but we didn't have the gas money to go.  And then we were planning to just stay home and have some quality us time.  And now...  someone from church called my husband a little while ago and he forgot that we weren't planning to go to church tomorrow and agreed to pick up Maddy on the way to church.  Now I'm stuck.  I'm trapped into going.  I can't say I'm not feeling well because just a guy shouldn't be picking up a little girl.  I can't go for just Sunday school and leave before service, because we'll have a kid with us.  I've been crying none stop since I heard him say on the phone that we'd be there and sure we could pick Maddy up.  My husband just left to buy me some ice cream hoping it'll help cheer me up, we'll see.  I shouldn't be this upset...  I so wish I wasn't.  I wish I had someone to call and cry to, but there isn't anybody I can call who'd understand.  Tomorrow is going to be our first Sunday without Jonathan as our pastor since they moved last week.  So my only hope right now to survive tomorrow without having another break down is that Brother John won't make a big deal out of mother's day.  Either that or I can make myself feel numb to all the emotions so I can bottle up my feelings until I get home.  It's wretched what infertility can do to somebody.  Out of the 5 mother's days that have gone by so far since I've been married I can tell you about 4 of them.  The only one that was good from my memory was last year when we went camping and I was able to escape from the world for a while.  I knew it was mother's day, yet I wasn't surrounded by it.  I sent my mother and my mother-in-law a message to wish them happy mother's day but it didn't bother me so much because, like I said, I wasn't surrounded by it being mother's day.  Besides that mother's day...  all the other one's haven't been so great.  In fact one year after a lovely mother's day the day following I got fired from my nanny job.  Anyways... it's just... bleh.  Jared keeps saying sorry because he agreed to pick up Maddy that if he had known we weren't going he would have said no.  He just forgot.  I'm not mad at him.  If I'm mad at anyone I'm mad at myself for being upset.  I don't want to be upset.  I wish I could enjoy mother's day.  I wish I could forget that it has nothing to do with me and praise other mother's without envy.  Jared tells me that we can celebrate.  Jared tells me I have every reason to celebrate.  That I should be able to celebrate because I choose to be a mom while some don't.  He says this year we are registering to be foster parents, that that gives me more reason to celebrate.  He doesn't care that no one else will agree that I'm a mom.  And I just tell him we tried that once, planning to celebrate because I want to be a mom.  That we were going to celebrate one year because I'm a mom to Nick and Frosty.  But that year?  That year we forgot it was mother's day and we didn't get to celebrate after all.  This year I wanted to buy a potted plant.  A nice pretty flowering one like many mother's get.  You wouldn't believe how broke we are right now.  Ends are barely meeting.  But they do meet.  We do have enough to get by.  We are blessed because we can manage without the aid of other people.  Jared will get paid again on Friday and everything will be alright again.  Oh all this crying has given me a headache.  I shouldn't have agreed to let Jared get ice-cream, but right now he needs to spend his few dollars on ice-cream so he can feel he's made up for saying yes to us going to church tomorrow.  There's really nothing that can be done to fix the situation, we're both stuck in going now.  Maybe ice-cream will make us both feel better....  *wishing it was Monday already*