Things are so very much different this time around us having foster kids, even with these same kids that we had previously. Last time they weren't school age yet, so all the kids stayed home with me. But this time the kids were older, so this time they have school teachers that will miss them, a school counselor, classmates, a bus driver, kids on the bus, and probably various other people at school who will miss them too. This time they have teachers who want to give them a going away party. They will be missed by more, because they were loved by more.
Last time we were going to a church that didn't invest in us and our family. Last time these two were in a Sunday school class together, only those two from our family in that age group, and when they left? I wasn't asked where they went. Weeks went by before anyone asked me about my other kids who were missing. This time? This time I grieve at how many at church will miss them!!! Last week they got to be at church with us again because it was a week long visit, and visit didn't start until after church time that day. People at church were so happy to see them. Their Sunday school teacher asked if one of them could sing with her that morning, I know it's because she's missed him. The Pastor's wife, she's told me how much she'll miss his hugs. The Pastor is like a grandpa to our kiddos, and he tears up and grieves with us when they aren't around. The nursery lady misses our youngest when he's not there and wants to come visit us before they leave so she can see him again. They.... So many!!!! My daughter and my other two boys will be missed!!!! And they already are missed. They will be missed more, because they were loved by more.
It hurts to share them with others, because I don't want others to know this pain. I didn't want to join a homeschool group until all my kids were "mine". I didn't want to introduce kids that might later have a different name. I wanted to pretend for a moment that we were a normal family? That ours wasn't pieced together through years of back and forth with foster care and later mended together with adoption and.... I just wanted to present the finished quilt or whatever and not let people see the mess as it was being created. So I waited, and waited, and waited.... And then I heard of a mom's night out and thought, I could do that! I wouldn't HAVE to tell them anything. And the kids wouldn't be with me meeting anyone. And then... And then I went and I couldn't keep it secret. When I told how many kids I have, some comment was made about how great I look for having so many kids, or couldn't I keep my legs together, or man my husband must love me, I don't know, lol. I really don't remember what the comment was, I've heard a few over the years. Anyway, there it was! The easy opening for me to confess the truth about how my kids aren't biologically mine. Do I keep it secret for a little while? Do I let them think we're "normal" for right now? Do I let that mask stay, or do I reveal myself for who I really am and be ME from the very beginning with these new ladies I hope to make at least one friend with? And I told. I TOLD!!! I opened up and shared about our story and how I hoped that we'd have TPR soon and an adoption date.... And later things changed. And those new ladies? I made more than one friend that night, and now I have more people who HURT with me. More people who ask how I'm doing. More people who have seen me cry. More people who.... I got this image the other day from one of them:
I have more people in my life this time around who love my kids simply because I love my kids, who might not even really know my kids at all. Which means they will be missed more, because they were loved by more through me.
This stuff is hard. It's hard seeing people hurt. And their hurt, makes me hurt. And I have to remind myself that it's not my fault!!! It's not my fault that they hurt. Because it feels like my fault. If I hadn't of said yes to them coming here.... if I hadn't of opened up.... if I..... But I know there's no way we would have said no to them coming here. I could have kept quiet and not opened up so much, but then my friend goes and sends me that picture and I have to remind myself that it's ok to let others hurt with me....
I've cried a lot today. Today there's been talk about going away parties. In all our years of being foster parents, with all the goodbyes we've said, we've never had a going away party for any of our kids. I mentioned that to my husband and he said, that's because this time more people are invested in our family. And I started crying again as I told him that's what this post is about that I've been working on. That they will be missed more, because they were loved by more.
Anyway, nuff said for now, goodnight.