Babyproofing Life

I feel like I've been in survival mode for so long, I don't know how to get out of it. My babies aren't babies anymore, but I still feel the need to babyproof everything. It's not entirely my fault, it's the foster title. In some ways, I'm not allowed to quit babyproofing. I remember way back when the babyproofing started. When it felt more necessary. When I went from 2 kids to 4 kids overnight and the two new ones were getting into everything and I just needed to be able to sit down sometimes and not feel the rush to get them out of whatever constantly... It wasn't my fault the 2 year old and 1 year old knew nothing of staying out of stuff, they had never been with me before. And it wasn't their fault that the other two siblings I had already were only 3 and 4 and also needed my almost constant supervision. My attention divided 4 ways? The babyproofing felt necessary, EVEN IF it wasn't a foster requirement. I just needed to be able to sit down in their bedroom to change a diaper, or use the toilet myself, or maybe just sit down on the couch for a moment, without feeling a panic that I could hear them getting into things in another room. Unfortunately, this babyproofing has extended into every area of life it seems. My phone, the tablet, and the desktop computer are all locked and need passwords to access. Just like the knife drawer in the kitchen that's required to be locked, and the ammunition needs to be locked in a separate location than the gun it goes to locked up elsewhere... We have locks everywhere. But if there is a will, there is a way! And just like I moved any over the counter medication that was on a high shelf in the kitchen cabinet that didn't have child safety tops on them because the 2 year old was climbing the cabinets and getting into those meds... I've locked down things further on the tablet and such because the 11 year old found how to access a browser to talk to Gemini (Google AI) via the Fire TV remote app on the tablet, also knows how to access the browser to do such via Messenger Kids....

He's 11! I need to let up, and let him grow up, and give him more access to things, and.... And I'm locking things up for him just as much as I'm further locking things up for the 2 year old who gets into the cabinets. 

I'm tired. I'm tired of survival mode. I want to teach them self control, and allow them more freedom, and.... And I lock things up further because I feel like I just can't handle it right now. I can't breathe! I can't.... 

So much in life is out of my control, so the areas I feel in control of? How do I relinquish my grasp? How do I loosen up? How do I allow....

I read once that stress comes from trying to be in control. That when things feel out of our control, and we try to be in control, we are stressed. It's true. That is so very true. 

But I can't just let the kids do whatever they want!!!! 

I don't know how to fix this, and in many ways I don't feel the freedom to really start working on fixing it yet either. Because we're foster parents. Because we're licensed. Because we answer to the state, not only to God, in how we raise our kids. The lock on the knife drawer has to remain.

When I look at the future, I wonder what it'll be like. To finally be able to breathe. To feel safe and secure with who all is in our home NOT leaving our home. That our kids are truly, legally, 100% our children. No more goodbyes. At least, I hope no more goodbyes until the day that they move out of our home because they're grown and it's time. =)

What will life be like when these anxieties that cause my 11 year old nightmares, and my 9 year old struggling to sleep, and my 7 year old biting her nails, and.... The stress that causes mom and dad to feel like we can barely breathe sometimes....

I dream life will look different. Feel different. I wonder if we'll even seem like the same family anymore. I'll be a whole new mom, my kids whole new kids, my husband a whole new dad. I want to sing silly made up songs and dance with my children, I haven't done that much in a long time. I want my husband to be his goofy dad self, and I haven't seen that much either. I want my kids to... to quit fighting so much. I want to see anxieties melt away. I want to see anger less and less. I want to see them feeling free. I want to see them sing and dance and laugh and play, and not pull their siblings close just to push them away because they fear their siblings won't be here forever, because they've never stayed forever before. I hear name calling and "I hate you" so often and so much... Kindness and I love yous feel few and far between. What will the future look like? It's gotta be better than here.

Survival mode won't last forever. Babyproofing won't last forever. We've spent so much time and energy growing our family, and watching it shrink, and then hit repeat, and hit repeat again that... That constantly we're either adjusting to having more children, or grieving that we have less children, that we haven't been able to simply focus on raising the children we have. Will we finally be able to raise them? Praying and fully believing that answer is yes. I'm ready for that next season to start. 

I looked up the Hebrew word for "peace" in the Strong's Concordance the other day (Shalom [H7965]), and the first meaning to it was "safe". We don't have much peace in our home, because no one feels safe that who is here will all be staying here. I can only do so much, but I can't change that. Oh how we all long that God would bring us an adoption date soon. I hope that's the next update I'll have for you.