Have you ever rehearsed answers to questions you expect to hear from people? I have! Many times in fact. Over the years the frequent question changes, and so comes the enjoyment of coming up with new answers to questions!
When we first got married people would ask "Are you pregnant?". It frustrated me when I would tell people "no" and their response would be something like "It's good to wait, enjoy some time just the two of you for a while.". It frustrated me because, well, we weren't waiting. No I wanted kids! I dreamed of getting pregnant right away, and... well... it didn't happen! If I had said "yes" to their question would they have congratulated me or been disapproving that I didn't wait? So I remember having some kind of rehearsed answer that was something like "No, but we're trying." And that got all kinds of negative responses, so... I just went back to telling people no and listening to the comments of how it was a good thing I wasn't, even though those comments hurt because I wanted a pregnancy more and more each month that passed.... Thus began this blog I think, lol.
After a couple years of marriage people changed their question to "When are you going to have kids?". Apparently now was an appropriate time to start having children, you know, we'd had our "time together". I again started rehearsing an answer because, well, you don't like people knowing that your "infertile". They tend to immediately start asking questions as to whether or not you've been "tested"..... Honestly I gave that label to us myself. You see I had looked up the definition of infertility back then and found it was applied to anyone who had been actively trying to conceive for a year. Well it had been more than a year of marriage without any forms of contraception, so, yep, infertile! No we haven't been through a bunch of testing, but I know there's many people who go through a bunch of testing and still have no answer, and... I don't know... I just feel like that's what we'd get: no answer. Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, The Shunammite Woman, Hannah, Elizabeth... Who knows the "cause" of their infertility. In some of their cases we don't know if it was her side or his that was the problem, but one day God gave them each miracle babies. Anyway.... My rehearsed answer to that question was "Whenever God gives us a pregnancy.". Sometimes that would lead to a conversation about us wanting kids, sometimes it didn't, but that was my answer.
After another couple or few years.... People quit asking. I guess the people who didn't know us just assumed we didn't want kids right now. And then the people who did know our story... Well they didn't ask anymore if we were pregnant. Jokes about pregnancy being in the water and people having cravings and such... They didn't ask anymore if I was pregnant, felt they'd given up it'd ever happen for me. I don't know, but the questions quit for a while. I still don't get asked. If and when my day comes, I'm gonna knock their socks off when I tell them I am! lol
Anyway... questions... We became foster parents. We adopted. New questions come. The most popular question I started getting right away I still get asked all the time, "Where'd he get that blonde hair?!?". I had someone in the grocery store that demanded an answer! I ignored her and she asked THREE times before I replied. It was ridiculous! The biggest thing that bugged me about that time was that my husband wasn't with me, couldn't she have just assumed that my kiddo got it from my husband? Nope! I started rehearsing my answer. My genius answer? "It runs in the family". Brilliant, right?!?! I could even follow it with "He has an aunt with blonde hair.". It's true, in both his blood family and my family, there's an aunt with blonde hair. I rehearsed that answer and honestly haven't used it much. I once used it and it went great! She totally took it and didn't ask anything more. Wonderful! But then before the meeting was over someone else came in and asked something about adoption type stuff and she was confused...... *sigh* So I ended up explaining my answer. It's kinda funny, my husband had a rehearsed answer for this question too. His answer was "I had blonde hair when I was about that age.". And it's true, he did when he was little. It stops the questions and it's kinda nice. You see when I would tell people that he got the blonde hair from his birth mom, oh the stuff that would pour out of people's mouths.... Either they'd say wonderful stuff about us making us sound like saints that we'd open up our home to these precious foster kids, or they would say wretched things about the birth family and how horrible it was that they couldn't take care of one even as little as this and how it must have been drugs or whatever... You get so sick and tired of hearing it! Well, at least I got sick of hearing it. Anyway...
Now we have two little blondies and get asked the same question! The other day we were out, all of us together, and were asked "How did you two end up with blondes?!?!" and there was this little awkward pause where I think we both questioned whether or not we wanted to tell this complete stranger our kids were adopted. The guy asked again. Why people seem to think it's their business where my kid gets their hair color is beyond me, but he was very intent on getting an answer. My husband looked at me, then looked at him and said "Adoption". The guy's jaw dropped "No kiddin'?!". And then he went on to praise us and tell us how everyone should adopt.... yadda yadda yadda.... Anyway it was like he realized that maybe his question could have been offensive. Got asked by someone else a few days later, and again we told them "They're adopted". Weird how that surprises people. They ask the question like they are accusing us of that kid not being ours, but then when they find out the kiddo isn't by blood ours.... It shocks them.
It's strange how questions change over the years, but having rehearsed answers don't really help. I have another rehearsed answer right now that I use, has to do with my youngest. The question for him is "How long have you had him?". We get asked that with every placement. With our adopted son we'd get asked that and I'd say "Since he was two days old." or "Since he came home from the hospital." And people would tell me "Oh! Then you're his real mom.". I hate that response! It's the only time the term "real mom" has been applied to me. People like to save that term for blood, even if blood parents haven't done anything for them. This boy? My youngest who isn't adopted just yet? I refuse to tell them just how long he's been here. He is no less my son because he hasn't been here as long as our other son. Someone recently asked me "How long have you had him?" my rehearsed answer didn't quite come out right and I said "That's a complicated question, what matters is that he's here now.". I didn't really like how it played off... She then was like "Oh, so off and on..". Anyway...
Rehearsed answers are a way to put up a shield. Most of the times it's probably to protect myself, I don't want to let people in. Other times maybe it's to protect my kids? Sometimes it's because I want to defend the birth family and I'm afraid if they attack them with their words... I'm afraid I won't, I'm afraid I won't defend them so I try to block the attack even coming. I don't like confrontation. I don't like being put on the spot. I.... I rehearse answers to questions that I may never get asked. I figure I'll eventually get asked again how long I've had my youngest son, and maybe next time I'll just tell someone that "I don't like that question." and then just wing it from there! lol.
I've bottled things up so many times over the years. I've faced depression so many times and not let people in. I'm tired of the "I'm good." answers to how I'm doing, when sometimes I'm not. I'm ready to start getting real again, even if it hurts. There were sometimes that I gave honest answers to those questions from the past and they sparked great conversations, I'll never know how many more great conversions I may have missed out on because I wasn't willing to face the chance of being hurt.
God... please help me. Give me Your strength... Your wisdom... help me know when to open up and when to keep my mouth shut. God help me to not lean on rehearsed answers that I've come up with in my own strength because I simply don't want to fight - my shield for confrontation and being put on the spot. Help me! Because this isn't easy and You are supposed to be my shield, right? Not something I've made myself.... Anyway, God, just.. just help me with this please. In Your Son's name I pray, Amen