My Motherhood Journey

 Saturday, February 27, 2010

Desire to Mother

'It's like being hungry

or having to pee' 

I once heard it said, 

wanting to have a baby. 

I know how she felt 

for I feel that way as well. 

It's difficult to explain, 

difficult to tell. 

Each month it gets harder, 

every time you're more eager. 

You get depressed, 

you feel your time will be never. 

The old wives tale, 

that babies come in threes, 

One... Two... Three... 

Again it's not me. 

They all assume you're waiting, 

which makes you want to cry. 

They encourage, say that's great, 

you don't tell them that you try. 

You try not to get your hopes up, 

but your hopes are defiant. 

So you keep on planning, 

how to say that you're pregnant. 

Will you ever get your baby? 

Will I ever get mine? 

You're tired of hearing, 

'Just wait some time' 

It's like a hole in your chest, 

you feel so alone. 

Am I really this desperate? 

*Theses feelings not shown* 

What if we can't have one? 

The doubts begin to start. 

If we couldn't have one, 

would God put that desire in my heart? 

Don't know what the future holds, 

we'll just have to wait and see. 

Hope my husband gets home soon now.

Need to try again for that baby.

----------------------------------------------

May 8th 2017

Another Mother's Day

Mother's Day is hard for me,

Because for so long I longed to be a mommy.

Becoming a foster mom, in part,

made my dreams come true.

But that "foster" part?

is a difficult thing to do.

I've lost so many children,

in so little time.

More than one of which,

I wished forever'd be mine.

I now have an adopted son,

maybe more adopted later.

And though having him helps,

it doesn't make things all better.

Even though I know I shouldn't,

Mother's Day I dread.

Wish I could simply ignore,

it's existence instead.

-----------------------------------

Poem: Why?

We were doing a Ladies Bible Study at church. I hadn't written many poems in a while, but we were given homework and our homework was to write a poem; a poem entitled "Why?". That's it. That's all the info for our homework we were given. No pointers on what it was to be about, just... Why? It didn't take me long to figure out the topic for my poem.

   In October our 3 year old foster son, "Ronny", who was now 4, left our home. He'd been with us just one week shy of a year. The adoptive parents said they wanted to stay in touch, but months went by with them not contacting us. My heart? Torn.

   In April we had gotten Darrell's little brother placed with us. But because of jurisdictional problems with how he came into foster care, he returned home to his birth parents before the week was out. Thought if he ever came to us... if he ever did.... thought he'd never leave. He was 2 and a half months old. We had a new name picked out for him, but called him Bubba because we weren't ready to use it yet. When he left? We went on hiatus. Our adoption of Darrell had just happened, and without Bubba here anymore, we currently had no foster kids. So we took a break. Shut our doors while we tried to move on.

   In May our old 3 year old, I mean 4 year old Ronny, got adopted. Someone sent me a message when they saw the adoption photos on Facebook. I thought I had moved on. I thought I was passed the heartache of Ronny leaving. But seeing that kind of proof that he'd never return...... I found there was a lot more hurt in my heart than I realized; I found myself angry with God for the pain that I felt.

   Here's the poem that I wrote:

***********************

June 18th 2017

Why?

What I always wanted to be;

   You denied me.

You called me to another way,

   at first I selfishly obeyed.

One step closer, but wanting more.

   parenthood like I'd never dreamed before.

Why? Why? Why God, WHY?!?

   Why must my dreams of motherhood die?

This foster title takes so much away,

   especially when so many don't stay.

Why must my heart break again and again??

   Constantly I let selfishness slip in.

If You'd have just given me my own..

   this pain I feel I'd never have known.

But You lifted a veil, and now I see;

   Constantly reminded it's not about me.

My heart breaks for the child who had to say goodbye.

   Sometimes it breaks for the family, or angry tears I cry.

Why God? Why must I feel this pain?

   Sometimes I wish ignorance I could regain....

----------

My child, My sweet child,

I know how much it hurts you so.

But there are others who need My love,

and without the pain you would never go.

Go where I need you child;

be My hands and feet.

There are so many lost souls,

I have yet for you to meet.

I need for you to hurt,

to see them as I do.

These families are precious to Me,

just as precious as you.

Come to Me child,

rest in My embrace.

If you will only let Me,

I'll wipe the tears from your face.

What you are doing now,

is part of a greater plan.

One day you will see,

how much you were My feet and hands.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I've Made Peace

Winter/Spring 2025

I've made peace with it.
I, myself, on my own.
I'm good, I'm content,
I no longer feel the hole.

Better than Rachel,
"Give me children or I'll die!",
I've found contentment,
Burying my desires deep inside.

God You've grown our family,
Through the means of someone else,
And I know that was Your plan,
But for me to have one myself?

"Do not lie to your servant.",
Is what the Shunammite woman said,
Those hopes and dreams are buried,
And I want to keep them dead.

God it hurts to hope,
And see nothing change.
To let down my husband, my family, my friends,
When everything stays the same.

We're good now, we're past this,
They no longer expect it of me.
God how dare You speak hope,
That I should have a pregnancy.

Like Abraham I show You other children,
Whom I hold so dear,
Just bless me with their adoptions,
That's the plan, right? Clear?

Like Sarai, like Rachel,
Feel building my husband's family is up to me.
Got a bed, a table, a lamp for Elisha,
We're good now, see?

But You insist there's someone more,
A daughter from my womb You say.
I want to be like Hannah,
And my countenance be changed.

Lord make me as Rebekah,
Elizabeth, and Manoah's wife,
To see the things which were prophesied,
Coming true in my life.

Til then I'll be as Mary,
"May it be as you have said.",
Lord make me like these women,
Whom about I've read.

--------------------------------------------------------

8/5/25

Been reading through my old notebooks from the past few years, and I've noticed the same things keeps being said by You. You have a plan, it is a good plan, trust You, have more faith, quit trying to control....

----

As I look through,

I see my last argument with You.

I crossed it out, I didn't want to see,

I didn't want to hear what You were saying to me.

I wanted perfection,

I wanted my poem to be "just right".

So I ignored Your words,

and kept it all my fight.

It worked, it's true, 

my poem got an "A",

but I missed the mark,

when I refused to hear what You would say.

I said, "I want to be like Hannah and my countenance be changed."

I said, "I want to be like Mary, 'May it be as You have said.' 

Lord help me be like these women,

whom about I've read."

I thought I was good now,

with this peace I'd made myself....

----

My daughter, I love you,

and you'll have a story all your own.

----

Because I want to believe,

but part of me always doubts it's true.

It's just been so many years Lord,

I've had an empty womb.

----

My daughter, My precious daughter,

I want you to be yourself.

I love those other women,

but I made you like no one else.

-You'll have your own story.

----

Because I'm tired of hoping,

I want the peace back I thought was mine.

----

Oh child of mine,

I wish you'd understand....

----

Rebekah, Ruth, Elizabeth,

and Manoah's wife too.

One day I'll have a story,

that includes a child from my womb.

God I failed to listen,

God I failed to see,

You said I'm not like these other women,

I'll have my own story.

God I just want a formula,

I just want a plan.

But instead You just keep telling me,

to trust it's in Your hands.

But God I want it in mine!

Can You just tell me the time?

Can You tell me what to do?

But all You say is trust in You.

You tell me to relax,

that I just need to breathe.

You tell me that You've got this,

and I'll just have to wait and see. 

You tell me to let go,

and quit trying to control.

You tell me that You'll let me know,

when I need to know.

You told me to quit asking,

and trying to make Your plans for You.

But God it's so hard!

I just want to know what to do.

What You've said to do is simple,

and yet so very complex.

You said to wait. on. You,

and You'll do the rest.

You've told me to trust You,

that I just need to believe,

and that what You have destined,

it. will. be.

You said, 

"Have a little more faith,

remember that I love you,

and that I would never make you wait for no good reason.

Wait on Me,

and I will give you the needed strength,

you don't need to know,

if you can just learn to wait.

Stop rushing ahead,

Stop. Breathe.

I'm already there,

you can only move at your own speed.

Have faith,

I do have a plan.

What I need from you,

is I need you to stand."

2 Chronicles 20:17

"It will not be necessary for you to fight

in this conflict. Take your positions, stand,

and observe the deliverance of the Lord

for you, O Judah and Jerusalem."

Jared fasted and prayed asking,

"What should I be doing?",

And God answered with a question,

"Am I enough?"

---------------------------------------------------------

When Jared fasted and asked that question, it was 2 years ago? 3? I don't remember. But I do remember the timeframe he asked it and why he was asking it. He was asking it when their brothers and sister were gone from us the last time. He was asking it because we felt we should be DOING something. What should we be doing?!? Should we prepare for their return? Will they come back??? I felt so much pent up energy thinking they would be coming back and I wanted to be ready! I just wanted to be ready!!! And then Jared fasted and prayed asking what we should be doing and God said, "Am I enough?". And my heart sank as I thought it meant they'll never come back. 

     Is God enough? Is God enough to satisfy me???? To satisfy us? Can we be content? Can we be whole? Can God be enough for us without them ever returning? 

     My answer? I don't know....

     Jared's answer? "Why is He not enough?".

A year or two later, after they'd returned to us, AND things changed where it looked like they might leave us again.... Jared heard God speak again and He said, "Would it be worth it if everything changed tomorrow?" Would it be worth it if they leave and never return? Is that what You're asking? 

     Jared's answer? Yes. The difference I've seen in their birth parents. The growth they have made. It's all worth it.

     My answer? Yes. I know if I'd have said no to placement, I'd have always regretted it. The siblings could have been separated, they might not have been able to find placement for them all together. And the time that we got with them, the memories we've made with their siblings, the memories their siblings have made with them, no one can take that away. And we got to show love to their birth parents again. Yes. Yes it would still be worth it.

Recently I looked back at that question where Jared asked, "What should I be doing?" And God said, "Am I enough?" And I saw that maybe it didn't mean, is God enough to satisfy us. See I thought God didn't really answer Jared's question. Jared's asking what should we be DOING for them coming back. And I thought God was answering, they won't be. But maybe He really did answer Jared's question. Maybe God's answer with, "Am I enough?" was Him asking, "Am I enough to do this on My Own?" God's answer didn't mean they would never return. His answer to, "What should I be doing?" was, "Am I enough to do this WITHOUT your help?"

Do we trust that God's got this? That God can manage things WITHOUT our help? Do we trust that He has a plan? That it is a GOOD plan? Do we trust that though things are out of our hands they are NOT out of HIS hands? Do we trust Him?!?!?!

They're back. Again. They were gone just a couple days shy of 9 months. They're back, and little sister came to us with them. 

Last week was a rollercoaster of emotions as I was letting go, of them, again. Letting go because God told me to. And it hurt! I cried as I gathered items I was holding onto, clinging to thoughts of their return some day. 

     I cried with my husband that Thursday night, 9/18/25, "This book needs to go. See this picture? That's my little girl. Looks like her... has a unicorn on the dresser and a picture of a unicorn on the wall... It's her. And see the next page? Where she says she prayed for a little sister and God gave her one even better than she could have wished for? See the baby girl in the crib? See her blonde hair? See how it's in a pigtail on top of her head like birth mom likes to do it? That's their little sister!!! That's her! And see the brothers at the door looking in? And see this other page? See where they went on vacation and they have this big huge van? It makes me think of our passenger van.... This book. This book symbolizes the future that I still want to cling to. I need to let this book go." 

     That Friday, 9/19/25, I went to Walmart to get the oil changed in our passenger van. While at Walmart I had plans to buy a sunshade for our van to help make a For Sale sign for it. I searched high and low for the sunshade, but couldn't find it. My van was taking forever for the oil change, had me very restless as I had someone at home watching my kids so they didn't have to be bored at the store while it was happening. I always feel restless when someone else has the kids and things are taking longer than I think they should.... In my van was a small box of items I intended to drop off at Goodwill before heading home. In that box was that book.

     I went to the automotive center to check on my van, my phone said it had been in the bay almost an hour now. Are they done with it yet? Do they have any questions for me or anything? 

     I get back there and I see that my van is still in the bay, guess it's not done yet. I asked if they had any questions for me or anything, and I was told no. So I text the lady watching our kids to let her know that our van took an hour to be started, and now I see it's still in the bay... She said no worries.

     I left the automotive center and decided I would go to the baby aisle. Maybe I would get something for Irene while I was there. I saw this one really cute sweater, but it said "big sister" on it, not little sister, and I had to walk away and not think about them maybe returning before Irene is born, returning with little sister, and how little sister would become a big sister when Irene gets here.............

     Maybe I can find something that says "little sister" on it. Only other thing I found that I really liked was this one zippered sleeper that was really soft and covered in flowers. As I was debating whether or not to get this soft zippered sleeper for Irene, I checked my phone again to see what the statis of my van was on it's oil change, and I saw I had missed a call. I had missed a call from their caseworker, and had a text from her that said, "Please call asap". I knew what that meant, so I called Jared first. I told him who I had missed a call from, and what the text said. Our answer is yes, right? Yes to all 4 of them? And he said yes. I knew he would, but I had to ask. And he said, "Trust, right? We trust God? God's got this? His timing, not ours? We've said we'd say yes, so we're saying yes."

     So I called the caseworker back, and she asked me, "You know why I'm calling, right?" And I'm like, "Yes. Yes and no. I thought the case closed months ago." She told me that it was supposed to, but it hadn't yet, and that they had court scheduled for next week and she thought they wouldn't let her continue it again at this one, that it would have to close this time, and she'd been praying that God would give her something... Less than a week before that court date where the caseworker believed the Judge would order the case closed because it had been continued too many times, one of their birth parents got arrested. I do not know all the details of that arrest, and when I do know all the details, if I ever know all the details, I don't know that I'll share them anyway. The point is, God gave her what she needed. The caseworker had concerns about the situation, really didn't sit well with her the kids being back with their birth parents, but she didn't have what she needed to be able to be able to pull the kids back off trial home placement. That arrest and the details it contains, it gave her what she needed to pull them, to make the official call to "disrupt placement", and open up communications with me once again as they needed to know if we'd take the kids back. If we'd take them back, and little sister with them. She asked, I said yes, and she told me she knew I'd say yes, but she needed to ask.

They're here. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know what His plan is. I don't know what is going to happen next. I know what I WANT to happen next. I know what I WANT the plan to be. But I don't know really what will happen. What I do know though is that God has a plan. That it is a good plan. That it is good because HE is good, and so it is a good plan. And I know that God wanted these kids to come here. And that book? That I was going to donate before heading home from getting the oil changed in the van? I didn't donate it. And the sunshade I was looking for that I couldn't find for making a For Sale sign for our passenger van? Well we don't need a For Sale sign anymore, because now we have kids in all three rows of our van. We're no longer looking to sell it, because now it's serving the purpose we bought it for. We bought it for these kids, and wanting to make sure we had room for them and sibling who was to come. And now they're here, and sibling with them.

Again, I don't know what God's plan is, but that's trust, right? And is He enough to do this on His own? Whatever it is? Yeah, He is. So one step at a time, we'll stand trusting in Him as we go forward.