"So whether rich or poor, developing the discipline of contentment demands that we submit both our anxiety and our greed to the Lord." 

-Barbra Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Woman.

I have this fear I've been working to let go of, this fear I'll never be content, or that contentment will never last. Agur writes in Proverbs 30:15 "The leech has two daughters crying, "Give, give." There are three things that are never satisfied, indeed four things never say, "It is enough": the grave, the barren womb, the earth that is not filled with water, and the fire that never says, "It is enough."

Repetitious Thought 6/3/2018

There's this thing I envy I've heard people say,

that their family is "complete".

But there's this thought that often rings through my head,

forever leaving mine with an empty seat: I want a baby.

Every time my heart feels sad,

Every time it's despairingly heavy,

Every time depression lean on me,

I think one thing: I want a baby.

I'll think I'm satisfied with what I have,

That I'm content with my kids,

That it doesn't matter my womb or not,

And then.... this: I want a baby.

The thought plagues me,

Wish it would go away,

"The barren womb is never satisfied."

I have this fear that it'll stay.

I knew one would never be enough,

but I thought two could be,

now three sounds pretty good,

*sigh* How can I want a baby?

It's not fair.

Not fair that my womb stays bare.

I try so hard to simply not care.

And then.... "I want a baby."

No, it's not true!

I argue with myself again, and again, and again,

God help me out!

Aren't You my friend?

Is it because my womb is empty?

Or that You have another for my arms?

Or is it Satan poking at me,

wanting to cause me more harm?

Again I think:... I want a baby.......

I once lost a friend, cut her out of my life for a while, because she spoke into this fear of mine, and I couldn't handle it. We were getting ready to buy the house we're in now and she asked, "Will it be big enough? Because I know you, you'll want the next one, and the next one, and the next one." Her referring to us wanting placement to more biological siblings of our adopted kids. I couldn't handle it. We quit talking for more than a year.

Some time after it was prophesied to me that I would be pregnant and have baby Ira-Belle, I spoke the same words over myself that my friend did. I said, "I know me, I'll want a another pregnancy. If they don't come back, I'll want another girl, so my daughter has a roommate. And if they do come back? I'd kind of like a boy, so I have one biological in the girls room, and one in the boys room." So even though the thought of two triple bunks in the boys room overwhelmed me, I started picturing it anyway and thinking up names....

I did like King Saul, I justified my actions/thoughts. God told me to pray for baby Ira-Belle, but I started praying beyond her. I started praying for the son I believed would follow afterwards, certain the others would return some day and a son is who I'd be wanting....

King Saul was told to destroy all the animals, but he kept some. He kept the best animals there were so he could give them as a burnt sacrifice to the Lord. He thought he was doing "better" than what God asked of him. And then there was that time where King Saul got impatient and he "forced himself" to give a burnt offering even though he wasn't a prophet or of the Levitical priesthood because of various reasons... He convinced himself, "forced" himself, to do what he felt HAD to be done.
     I did that too. You see God told me to pray for baby Ira-Belle, and I forced myself to pray beyond her. Convinced myself I was doing better than what God asked of me. "God I believe so much that You can make me pregnant, I believe You can do it twice." Sometimes my brain wanted to think of a third pregnancy even, maybe a son and another daughter too. "What if God takes away our infertility and makes us fertile? I could be pregnant again, maybe even more than once!"

     I let my mind run rampant with these thoughts, convinced myself I would have a son after Irene.

Know what my thoughts were before this thought entered my mind? "One and done, one and done..." Stressed trying to convince myself that just one pregnancy would be enough to satisfy me.

"... the discipline of contentment demands that we submit both our anxiety and our greed to the Lord."

Both, we have to submit both.

When I looked up the scripture reference the other day for where it says, "Thou shalt not covet..." it surprised me that it was Exodus 20:17. Why? Because the other verse that means so much to me I mentioned in the post before it, 2 Chronicles 20:17 "It will not be necessary for you to fight in this conflict. Take your positions, stand, and watch the deliverance of the Lord for you O Judah and Jerusalem." Both are 20:17, and they address both my anxiety and my greed.

My anxiety says I HAVE to convince myself one way or the other. I have to DO something. I HAVE to KNOW. I HAVE to.... whatever!!!! My anxiety has me striving for whatever. My anxiety has me fighting. My anxiety doesn't know how to trust, it only knows how to worry and plan and.... God just tell me what to DO!!!! Because I DON'T trust He can do it without my help. Ouch. 

     But 2 Chronicles 20:17 says it will NOT be necessary for me to fight. This is the LORD'S battle. This isn't MINE. He says to stand and watch what HE will do. He will do it, not me. It will not be me.

My greed says I will NEVER be satisfied. I've lived with this longing for too long. I don't know how to let it go, it never will leave me, it can't. Every time I think I'm past it, it's back! Just when I think I'm good now, here it comes knocking. It plagues me. I don't believe God can rid me of it. I don't truly believe that God can satisfy me. Ouch.

     Exodus 20:17 says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors.... anything." God has a story for me, that's for me and me alone. I look and see these other people who have adopted and then had biological kids... and they had more than one pregnancy. I hear of someone who God opened their womb, and they had more than one pregnancy. I see.....

     My heart's deepest desire is to feel my family is "complete". That the desire for more goes away. Desire To Mother is the name of this blog, and I want to feel that desire in me satisfied. Quenched. Never present again. Full hands, full heart, not feeling there's still an empty seat or bed or.....

     Irene means "peace". I just want peace. I just want to feel complete peace over the size of my family. Do I believe God can bring it? 

I admitted to you guys the other day the greed within me for their siblings to return. The greed within me that didn't just want them back, but I wanted their baby sister too. I had never truly let go of any of them, I was just waiting and watching for them to come our way. I admitted it, and I let it go.

Today I am admitting to you fear, a fear I have had for a long time. That Agur's words that say the barren womb is never satisfied, that it never says it is enough. A fear that says he's talking about me. When it was spoken over me many months ago that I am NOT barren anymore, was told that title is no longer mine, I never let it go. I convinced myself that I DID let it go, because now somehow I started thinking maybe I'd not only get pregnant the once, but I might get pregnant again, maybe even again after that.... THAT is the barren mindset that Agur wrote about in Proverbs 30:15.

"The leech has two daughters crying, "Give, give.". I have felt the daughters of the leech crying give, give, on my life for too long. I released the first when I admitted my greed for their siblings to be here, and today I release the second as I admit my greed for a pregnancy beyond that which God has promised me. I do not want these "daughters of the leech" on my life anymore.

God I ask You to help me. Help me to submit both my anxiety and my greed to You. No more fighting, no more striving, stand and watch what YOU will do. Because God You are doing something!!! You are. I know You are because You have said You are. Help me to trust You more. Grow my faith. I have said I let go of my greed, help me to not pick it back up. It's gone, I'm done with it, I don't want that greed in me anymore. Help me to overcome. Make me an overcomer Lord. I can't do this without You. Amen.