......Cycle Day 6.....
I feel like I'm becoming a zombie! haha. I'm not really sure what that word means... but I feel numb. I just don't care anymore. Don't care about the house (it's depressingly dirty). Don't care about going to work (though i must). Don't care about how I look (well not as much). Don't care what I eat (snack all day on junk). Don't care to keep in touch with friends (they're starting to notice my silence). And this not being a mom thing???........I've been trying to just ignore the whole infertility issue. Trying not to be saddened by my dear friends baby bump getting bigger. Trying to enjoy picking out clothes for Blakely (the kid i nanny for) and not think about how I wish I was picking out cute clothes for my own little girl. I've started drinking caffiene again, I may never get pregnant, so why avoid it??
I miss my husband, with our schedules he's starting work about the time I get off. I don't see him much anymore, and that's probably a good part of my problem. I feel lonely. Yet I am tired of having guest over!!! I've just burnt out. The house is falling appart, and sometimes I don't even bother to try cleaning it up. Jared is so sweet and caring and wonderful.... I dred getting out of bed sooooo very much every morning. Having to get up while it's still dark out, having to climb out from under the covers, having to leave my dear sweet sleepy husband behind. On days he works... I won't see him again until 8 or 9pmish when he comes home for 30 to 45mins for his meal break. It breaks my heart to see him head back to work knowing I'll probably be asleep when he gets home.
I want to quit my nanny job and leave dear Blakely behind so that I can see my husband more!! But... her mommy is a school teacher, it wouldn't be fair to her to leave when we are only 2 months into all this school stuff. But.. can I last another until MAY!?! I'm going to have Jared start putting in applications again, maybe he can get a better job with better hours... I really hope so.
I've been reading a lot lately... and watching lots of movies.... At the end of the day I feel bleh, because I feel I've accomplished nothing. So sometimes I'll drink some coffee or tea and stay up a few more hours and try to get something done before I go to bed. Then even though I've had caffiene... I'll sleep better feeling my day wasn't completely wasted.
I'm trying to come out of this zombie state I'm in.... But it's hard. It's hard to feel motivated. Anyways... That's where I am today, trying to feel motivated.
