....Cycle Day 26....
I know that we've only been married for 3 years... And I know that we are only in our early 20's right now..... But sometimes I feel like time is running out. That we need to hurry up and have kids. The reason I feel like that right now is because last night Jared's Papa Darrell passed away. When I first met Papa Darrell, Jared told me that he hoped Papa Darrell would be around long enough for our kids to get to know him. But instead Papa passed away before he could get to know our kids.
Last year Jared's mom, Ms Carrie (Papa Darrell's daughter), passed away. Ms Carrie will never get to hear when we finally get pregnant. She once told me she had a "very vivid dream" that I was pregnant and had a boy. I hope it was vivid enough that it helped sooth her longing to be a grandma (I'm exaggerating, she bugged people about having kids but she never acted desperate or anything).
Just recently I had a dream Ms Carrie was in, and she told me that "Just cause I'm dead doesn't mean I can't be a grandma." Sad as it may be... Those words comfort me that I wasn't able to make her a grandma before she unexpectedly died. Even though she's not living, she'll still be my children's grandma.
It may sound selfish... but every year that passes by is one less year for people to know and enjoy our children. It is one less year for our children to know all the people in our life. I know how Jared feels about his Papa Darrell, because that is how I feel about my Grandpa. I love my Grandpa so very much I want him to be able to know his great-grandchildren. But even more I want his great-grandchildren to be able to remember him.
It's just.... The more years that pass by, the more years of memories my children won't have with the ones I love. I know we're not "running out of time" to have kids... but sometimes it sure feels that way.
