.....Cycle Day 4.....
It's a beautiful name. Her name means Pretty Light. I love it! And yet every time I think of little Elleanor I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry.... Why am I so upset?!?!?! Do I have any reason to be upset? I knew she would come eventually.... Ok let me back up a bit.Yesterday around 4PM we got a text from our dear friend Jon saying that Cherish was in labor! I was so excited!!! It's happening!! Then.... I got sooo sad. Saturday we spent all day with Jon & Cherish and had a great time, but I didn't know it was our last time to hang out with JUST the two of them. From now on there will be a baby around. She wasn't due until the 17th! I thought I had more time! And then my mind wonders and drifts.... Three and a quarter years Jared and I have been married..... and I've never been pregnant... Again I turn things right back to me. I'm so selfish! Why can't I just be happy for them?
This morning around 2:30AM we got a text from Jon & Cherish saying that Cherish had a baby girl. That was it. No more updates. We went back to sleep. Well Jared went back to sleep. All I could do was lay there and think. Think of all the things I was jealous of them having that I don't. That they have a little baby girl in their arms. A little baby girl that is all their own. The look on Jon's face as he holds his own precious child. The warmth in their hearts and all the abundant love they feel for this child that has just entered this world. How they can't imagine just an hour ago when they didn't have her around. And I cried some more.
My old self is conflicting horribly with the new me that I don't much like. I want to meet this baby because she's Jon & Cherish's and I've been around for all the stuff leading up to her arrival. But at the same time I don't want to meet her at all. While Cherish was pregnant I could often ignore the fact that she was carrying a child around inside her. I could pretend it was just the two of us and that we were the same. But now it obviously is not true. I can't pretend anymore. She is here! She's real! And their lives will forever be changed because of her.
About an hour ago I text Jon to get more info about their baby girl. Part of me is just so excited!!! I mean.... I grew up around babies! My mom has had how many??? Several. So that instinct in me wants to know as much as I can as soon as I can. And... Well Jon didn't text me back. No instead Cherish called me in reply. And I don't know how to tell you just how hard it was for me to hear Cherish describing how beautiful her baby girl is. Telling me how things went. Telling me her name! Her name and how they picked it out and what it means. I'm probably one of the first to even know Ella's name! All the while I could hear Ella in the background. Those brand new baby sounds. I hope with everything in me that Cherish and Jon couldn't hear me crying.
That phone call has made me completely fall apart. I feel like something is horribly wrong with me! I have no idea why it has made me this upset. But I don't know anyone I can talk to who could possibly know what I'm going through right now. I am terrified that when I see them.... That when I see Elleanor... When I hold Elleanor.... I'm so terrified I'll fall apart again. Oh please Lord help me keep it together while I'm around them!!!! Please Lord give me the peace and comfort to make it through this, that I may enjoy this new blessing you have brought into our world.