....Cycle Day 12....
I'm falling back into that lonely, depressed feeling. It's not always there, but some times it's very present. That emptiness, that longing desire, that feeling like you are a failure because woman are supposed to bare children and you haven't. Men are supposed to work hard and provide for their family. Women are supposed to bare children and raise them while taking care of the house. I know it's kind of old fashion and whatever.... But that's how I feel it's supposed to be. Jared was failing his part all last year because my job was doing most of the providing, and it wasn't fun. It was so very stressful on both of us. I know his mind set is pretty well the same as mine, it's something we talked about before we got married. He was going to work, I was going to be a stay-at-home mom. But there is no point in me staying home all the time if I'm not a mom. I'm failing my part by not having kids. What if God didn't design me to bare children? What if my mind set has been wrong all my life and I can never be a stay-at-home mom? I can't believe that to be true. I try to picture the future of never being a mom..... I can't. Not really. I'm sure it will happen. I have no idea when... but I will be a mom some day. I may spend several years raising other people's children.... but one day I will get to raise one of my own. Right now though.... in the waiting... the not knowing..... it's a very gloomy place to be.
