....Cycle Day 11....
Gosh my emotions have been a MESS this past week. And unfortunately I don't think they'll be going back to normal for another week... or two... hopefully soonish... Anyways... It's been three years now from where I say we "officially" started trying to conceive. Aka the first time we were sad that I was not pregnant. That day feels like yesterday... *Flashback* Jared and I had been married for about three months. Young and in love... and I had always wanted to be a mom. Jared was quickly warming up to the idea of us having kids right away. He at first was hoping we would celebrate our first anniversary just the two of us. And then he was thinking it wouldn't be bad if I was pregnant on our first anniversary. And now at three months into our marriage... I was about two weeks late for my period to start. Jared called me up on his way home from work and wanted to know if we needed anything at Walmart. I couldn't think of anything. He kept asking looking for an excuse to go to Walmart. And then he told me he was wanting to go because he wanted to buy me a pregnancy test. He sounded so excited! So he bought me one and I took it the next morning. It was negative... and we were a little saddened by it. *Flashback ends*
I wish with all my heart that God would have made that first test positive. That right now we would have a two year old. And I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. Every period I've had after that day has brought disappointment. Each time it saddens my heart a little more. I hope you will NEVER have to go through what I'm going through. This past week has been especially hard.
You see this last week... about three years later... not only was I on my period once again... but my new dear close friend Cherish... who I happen to see about three times every week... she had her baby, Elleanor. And though I am happy for her... it hurts. Oh it hurts sooo bad! All those emotions I've been trying to block out and ignore... they hit me all at once! And they hit me hard! And now they are close to the surface where just the wrong thing breaks me into tears.
Currently I am working on the decorations for Elleanor's baby shower this Saturday. And I'm excited and doing great! But on Sunday while listening to her dad talk about a baby dedication at sunset.... The tears came again and I tried to rush out of the church before anyone would see I was upset. (In case you're wondering service was over and people were just socializing at that point.) So as you can see the waterworks are unpredictable.
God has blessed my emotions and helped me keep them at bay at times that I truly feared I wouldn't be able to. Most of the time I feel great and feel absolutely fine about my life. But then I see, hear, or read something that sets me off again into a world where I feel like I'll never be happy again until I have my own child. It has been a rollercoaster! What I pray now is that God will bless my emotions this Saturday, as He has done many times this last week, so that I may enjoy Elleanor's baby shower.