....Cycle Day 1....
The biggest thing I've been working on lately is trying to change my view on things. What I want most right now is contentment. My life is pretty great! But only when I take the time to enjoy it. I want to change my perspective. I'm tired of the woe is me routine. I let myself get consumed by the sadness not bearing children brings. I'm an empathic person? Over a year ago I decided since we'd been trying for a while without any luck that it was time to give myself the title of an infertile. So this was the new me. I searched out websites and new friends that I could become part of their club, their community. I read how others were feeling and channeled in on that "Hey me too! That's how I feel!". And it's true, those are the feelings I have. But I have a theory on this:
Imagine you are an old person. Imagine the friends you have are happy chipper people that rarely complain. Being around these friends gives you energy, you feel lively like they are! Now imagine you are that same old person, but the friends you spend your time with the most complain about their bad memory. They talk about all their aches and pains. You understand all of this, because hey! you feel that way too. But now you are noticing everything that's wrong with yourself. Every ache and pain stands out more. Do you get where I'm going with this? Just because the old person hangs out with the chipper more energetic friends doesn't mean it takes away any of the bad memory or the aches and pains. Those bad things come with old age and they are still going to be there. The question is... Where do you want your focus to be? Changing your focus changes everything.
Today is cycle day one, where is my focus? Yes I want to be a mother. And I want to be a mother now! But... it didn't happen this month. No I will not be able to celebrate mother's day this year. Even if I get pregnant this month... I won't know in time to celebrate father's day either. Maybe next year? But every year that goes by and we can't... It gets harder to hope that the next year will be any different. It's time to change my focus. I refuse to let these things tear me apart again today. I tend to think things like:
"God I would be so thankful to have a child! Lord I won't complain about any of the pregnancy if only you'd give one to me! Oh Lord I would feel so blessed, and care so much for what you've given me." Wait a minute.... PAUSE! Why don't I feel blessed now?
"Suzanna I have given you so many things! Suzanna look at your family! Look at your husband that I gave you! that I created just for you! Suzanna I have so many dreams in store for you! Suzanna I have blessed you and you don't even see it!!! I have given you family, friends, a husband, a house, a job, two wonderful animals, I provide for you each and every day!! But Suzanna do I get a thank you? Some days you don't even say hello! Tell me Suzanna why any thing would change if I gave you a child?!?!"........... ouch..
Today is not a curse, but a blessing. When I didn't have a job, didn't have friends, didn't have much going on.... I was bored. I was lonely. And I missed very much the busy life. Now that I have the busy life once again, and I barely have time to breathe!! Guess what I miss? I'm not saying that when I have children that I'll wish that I didn't, that'll never happen. But I'll miss having time alone with my husband. I will at times miss the freedom of not having children. I will sometimes miss how things were easier when there were only two of us. There are things that I can do now that I won't be able when I have kids, I should enjoy those things while I can!
Today is a blessing!! Today God is giving another month for me and my husband to spend together just the two of us. God is giving me the opportunity to work hard and save up money so we can get back on our feet. Tonight God is giving me a cup of coffee at a friends house I've only been able to dream about since I gave up caffeine months ago in pursuit of pregnancy. (i allow myself caffeine on the first and second days of my cycles only). With or without a pregnancy every day is a blessing!!! But I will only feel blessed if I choose to look at it that way.
"Today is a day the Lord hath made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!"