Convo I had with an old classmate earlier this week:
*he tells me all about how he's doing then asks about me*
Me: I'm trying to find contentment in life. My life is great, if I take the time to enjoy it. If I never get the future I want... I'll be ok. Trying to be happy with what I have. And to feel happy it that's all I'll ever have. Easier said than done.... working on it.
Him: And what is the future that you want?
Me: The one where I'm a mom.
Him: And how can't you achieve that?
Me: Because there is no guarantee it'll ever happen. Many people tell me I'll be a mom when the time is right blah blah blah. But they say that because they know how much I want to be, and because they just can't picture it never happening. There are many couples out there who have never had kids, and not for a lack of desire for them. God has not promised me children, until He does.... I know there's a chance I never will.
Him: There are literally thousands of children already born that need a home. Why can't you adopt?
Me: I have looked into adoption before. But I put that on hold when I found out adoption agencies won't really look at a couple under 25 years old. Adoption cost lots of money, and some couples in the system never get chosen for parents. I do plan to look into it more after we are a little older.....
Him: Well I think there are grants and sponsorships available for adoption. And maybe your church would be willing to help you.
Me: ...The thousands that are out there.... I'd take in a dozen if I could! But it cost thousands for just one of them to become yours. We don't have that kinda money, many don't. When and if we choose to adopt, we'll be doing fund raisers the whole way I'm sure. And it's not just the money. There's lots that go into adoption. Like the home study! Parent's choosing you! Not only do you have to have enough money to adopt them, but someone else will decide if they think you have enough to support them. It's ridiculous. But we might try to go through it all. I know if we do get a child through that it'll be worth it. But there's something you don't understand, my dream for my future goes deeper than being a mom to just anyone.
Him: Please explain
Me: I'm praying that if God wants me to be a mom through adoption.... That He'll change my desire, because that's not it right now. I crave pregnancy. I crave every little step that goes into a child coming into this world. My strongest desire is to make my husband a father. To see that proud, amazed, wonderful look on his face the first time he holds our baby. I want to feel a baby kick inside me. I want to breast feed our child. I want to hear the heartbeat on the monitor. I want to have a midwife. I want to get HUGE! and have to buy maternity clothes. I even look forward to morning sickness because of why I would be sick....
.... There are so many desires I have about watching our child grow up and teaching them. And those desires can be filled through adoption, And we may adopt someday even if we do have our own. But the other desires I have?.... Adoption can't fill.
Him: I'm sorry. I don't quite understand. Why couldn't adoption an infant be about the same as having your own (minus all the pregnancy, and nasty birth stuff). If you adopt isn't it your child?
Me: I helped raise my siblings. I've babysat lots. Worked nursery. Worked at a daycare. And now I'm a nanny for the second time. I've helped in raising so many other people's children.... My question to God is will I ever raise my own? (meaning biologically)....
.... The pregnancy and birth is a big part of what I want. I've watched so many people be pregnant. I remember at least 4 of my mom's pregnancies. I know it's painful. I know it's nasty. I know it's not easy. But I want it. I want every bit to go through the whole process myself.
*no response*end of convo*doubts he understands any better now*