Ever have those dreams where you're a mom? I'm not talking about a daydream where you imagine every detail up yourself, but a dream dream. A dream where you wake up the next morning clinging on as tightly as you can to the memory of a world that isn't real. Clinging to as many details as you can remember because you're afraid it will all fade away too quickly. Those dreams where you can almost feel the child in your arms when you wake up..... This is the second time I've had a mom dream like that.
The first dream it was of a baby girl we named Regina Alexis. Never have thought of a name like that, but in my dream that is what we named her. That was a couple years ago I think that I had that dream. I don't remember much about her. But I remember the weight of her in my arms, looking down into the pink blankets, I can almost see her sweet little face...
Last night I dreamed I had a baby boy. He was a preemie, probably only two or so pounds. He was healthy, beautiful, didn't have to be kept in an incubator or anything, he was just small. He was so small he could fit into the pocket of Jared's hoodie. I remember asking my mom for advice on nursing because he wasn't staying latched on. Next thing I'm at my grandparents and it's perfectly normal me carrying this child around, like my son had always been a part of my life.
I remember so much of my tiny little boy, though he was never real. One thing that makes me sad is that I don't know if he ever had a name in my dream. I miss him so much now that I am awake, knowing I will probably never see him again. It's funny how you can miss something that never was...