Sometimes I feel like I condemn myself into this world of infertility with my thoughts. When lil miss teenager gets pregnant with her boyfriend and I get upset because God chose to bless her with a child instead of me..... I almost feel like I ruined my chance at having my own. Because I have anger over the situation God sees that I'm not satisfied with all that He's already given me. To help amend my awful thoughts, I thought it over later and even though lil miss teenager is pregnant... I honestly think she'll make a great mom.
Bleh! It's like I'm playing the good luck/bad luck game. Oops I walked under a ladder, better find a four leaf clover. Can't believe I opened an umbrella in the house, better toss salt over my shoulder. This is ridiculous!
I've seen so many movies where they speak of "If only you believe..." not that I believe in such stuff like that..... But then the Bible often talks about having faith. Aren't faith and belief similar? I sit and have thoughts about what it might be like to be pregnant. I sit and imagine what joy I might feel to know that there is a little one growing inside of me. That taking good care of my health wouldn't just be me taking care of my health but also that of my baby's. And then..... "I'm due to start my period just as we start a long trip in the car. Lots and lots of driving ahead of us. Oh if I start I hope it'll be a few days late so it'll be after our trip." ..... Funny thing is, often when I think things like that it happens just that way. Is that the power of thoughts? I didn't start on our trip just like I hoped, but now I'm four days late when I only needed to be two days late. Hmmmm....
Is it normal to be scared to hope? Scared to hope that maybe this is our time, because if it's not..... It'll hurt just as bad or worse because I let myself hope. But in the same way I'm scared to look at things negatively, I'm scared to doubt. Scared that if I doubt I might just make my doubts reality. That maybe I've wished this upon myself.
Your words can bless or curse, do thoughts work the same way? And can you bless or curse yourself? Again, I don't even know if I believe anything I'm saying here, just putting out some of my thoughts. Worrying for worry's sake, that's me.
