I'm wanting to clean?

So I'm in my kitchen scrubbing the dishes wishing I could spring clean. Wishing and dreaming to have a week to scrub my house. Actually having feelings of WANTING to clean. I never want to clean. I know I need to and often procrastinate letting things pile up.... But at the moment I'm in the mood to clean and wish I had a lot of time to do plenty of it. And my thoughts turn wondering if this is what "nesting" feels like. And I wonder if I'll ever be nesting. That restless time trying to find things to occupy you while you wait for baby to come, trying to be ready for the big day. Will I ever be nesting? It sounds so far away. A dream of a very distant future. I know any month could be "our time", but I can't let myself hope that things won't stay the same as always. Maybe I like being depressed? Maybe I like just wondering and torturing myself with the what ifs. Maybe.... I don't know. Its so easy to hold on to this sad feeling. So easy for the deepening sorrow to consume me... I haven't fully given in or given up, but my hope for better is severely lacking. Those poems written the other day by Jared and I at the same time... He had heard a little of what I was writing and it inspired him to write his own.... Sometimes my dreams feel so real I would do anything to fall back asleep and cling to them, instead of every waking moment feeling it quickly slip away. Anyways... I'm going to get back to cleaning...