People say "there's always hope" but sometimes I wonder if I should even hope at all. When you let yourself hope, and your hopes grow stronger and stronger, and then if those hopes and dreams don't come to pass when you are hoping they will..... It's heartbreaking. It's devastating. Your hopes are shattered and it takes a while to gather up all the pieces to hope again once more. My hopes are building again and I'm terrified that they will break into a million pieces. I fear the high possibility that once again, like so many months before, my monthly cycle will return. I don't want that. I dearly don't want that. I am again watching all the woman around me become pregnant. The days are getting more and more difficult. I feel I have no one to talk to anymore. I beg and beg God for a pregnancy, but all I know is He keeps saying "not right now" every month that goes by. But Lord? will I ever be pregnant? I wish You could, You know, warn me each month if that month won't be our month.... Will I be satisfied if I never become pregnant? I don't know.... Am I satisfied now without a pregnancy? No...
I wrote two things on the board at church that I want for Christmas "contentment" and "a pregnancy". Can I even want both things? I want a pregnancy soooo much! But if I don't get one... I want contentment? I wish I could be content with or without having a child! But right now.... I don't want to sit on the sidelines while everyone else's family grows. I don't want to watch and not experience for myself. It's so hard seeing every else get what you dream of having most, especially when they don't even want those things right now.
What is my job? I'm a substitute mom. You may not call me that, but that's what I am. Whether I work babysitting, at a daycare, or being a nanny as I am now, all the jobs equal the same: substitute mom. When my mom was busy so much with hospital stuff with my brother and wasn't home much... That's when I first got that title. My own mother told me I was like a substitute mom. What if that is all I ever am? What if I only ever raise other people's children? What if every time I get a complement on how sweet or whatever my child is.... I never get to claim them as mine???? I say thank you, but I tell them it's my brother, my friends kid, I'm their nanny, I'm just the aunt.
This month? Second month in a row my husband woke up in the middle of the night to "baby dance" right after I ovulated. I didn't tell him of the positive ovulation test until later. This month I'm due to start on the 18th. This year, because it is a four day weekend, we are splitting our Christmas celebration with both of our families. If an pregnancy test showed positive before we left town... Wouldn't it be perfect timing to share our news with every body?! And... and again everyone around me is pregnant... maybe this time I won't be left behind on the road to a child.... And my parent-in-laws want to pay for infertility tests?!?! They want to give us that money for part of our Christmas gift this year. If I were pregnant now then I wouldn't have any reason to accept such a gift. Or maybe that money could go towards medical bills with the pregnancy. Oh! And if I were pregnant right now I'd have the baby before our next anniversary. The possible dream of renewing our wedding vows AND having a baby dedication at the same time..... It could happen.
O Lord I want to be pregnant.....
All I want for Christmas is a BFP,
a BFP,
a big fat pregnancy.
All I want for Christmas is a BFP....
So I could have a happy Christmas!
Seems so long since I could say,
"I am so content with my life"
Gosh oh gee how happy I'd be,
if only I were a pregnant wife.