Why's it feel taboo to talk about wanting a child when you've been wanting one for so long? When I was in highschool everyone that knew me, and some that didn't really know me, knew my dream was to be a stay at home wife and mother. I was not ashamed to tell people that I didn't have a career in mind. I had no problem letting people know I didn't plan to go to collage. I didn't think, and still don't think, that collage would help me to achieve such a dream. To help keep my mommin skills in shape, I've worked at a daycare, as a babysitter, and as a nanny. These jobs I feel help prepare me for being a mom, just as growing up the oldest of several children. I've always wanted to be a mom, so why can't I talk about it?
When people ask for prayer requests.... Do you tell them you want a pregnancy? Do you tell them you want God to bless your efforts in trying to conceive? Do you openly announce such things?
When people talk about baby names..... Do you mention the ones you hope to use for your some day child? Do you join into the conversation at all? Do you sit and hope they won't mention your favorite one? I used to sit and talk about baby names with my friends before I even had a boyfriend! But now that I'm married it's out of place? How come when I mention my favorite names now I feel like I shouldn't?
When Mother's Day comes around... Do you let anyone know that it is a difficult day for you? Do you head for the hills and hope no one will mention what day it is? Do you hope you can some how just miss it all together and not be reminded that you aren't one of the celebrated?
My pastor just happens to be the husband of one of my best friends. Jonathan is passionate for family! He has such wonderful thoughts of how a child should be raised, what role the father plays, what role the mother. Hearing him talk about his family.... it makes me want to cry. He feels every baby is a blessing, I agree! And when people talk about it he's all, "I know! I can't wait to have another..". But I feel like I can't shout out that I want one. He tells every one he wants more! That his child is such a joy to him and that he can hardly wait for even more children to be a part of his family. But me? When he talks of how "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of arrows." I just wonder.... will I ever have any arrows to give my husband?
There is a chalk board at church right now that says "All I Want For Christmas Is...." and people are all writing down different things underneath it. I've written "contentment". And in the bottom corner I wrote "a pregnancy". I debated writing it on there.... I've thought about erasing it.... But now.... Why not leave it? Everyone already knows I want to be a mom... right? Who cares if it's on there? Is it really all that inappropriate to write? Someone is going to look at that board and think "How sad...". And even though I might hate it, I'm going to leave it written there. I'm tired of pretending that what I'm going through is a secrete even though everyone already knows.