Ever feel like some people are just TOO fertile? It was about this time last year I was watching my friend Cherish go through her pregnancy with Ellie. It was about this time last year that our mutual friend Kota announced her pregnancy with Noah. And now they are both pregnant again. Cherish is nervous/excited. She wants a big family with Jonathan, but I don't think she wanted it to grow bigger quite so quickly. After all her child is only 9 months old and still nursing, it makes her very tired. Kota is nervous/scared. I think they wanted more kids, but they definitely weren't trying for more yet. She just had her son in July! She doesn't want to go through pregnancy again right now. And I'm just sitting here feeling like.... Why God? Why? They both already have a child! And not just a child, but a baby! Why not give me a pregnancy and let them rest for a little while? I know they'd like a bigger break in between kids.... God? Are you listening? I'm willing and waiting..... Please?.... please.... Bleh. I don't get it. I don't understand. Like I said the other day, I feel like there's this new mom's club and I'm the only one not in it. I'm an outsider trying to fit in because I'm a nanny. I'm an impostor and everyone knows it. Oh I hate this!
I hate that every time I see my two year old little brother that I think about how cute he is.... how much I wish I had a two year old.... how it should have been me pregnant and not my mom....
I hate that every time I see Cherish I see how tired and sick she is feeling and I know it's because she's pregnant. I hate that every time I hold her daughter I wish I had a baby too.
I hate that being infertile feels like some big secret. And that even after I tell people I feel like I can't talk about it. *moves on to write next post*