Distance

I feel detached when around Cherish right now.  She tries to have a conversation with me and I barely hear what she says.  My mind keeps thinking back on when she was pregnant last time.  Thinking of how I had to sit on the sidelines and watch her go through her pregnancy.  We had barely become friends when she had found out she was pregnant with Ellie, and I forced myself to continue being there for her because I desperately needed her friendship.  We became great friends, she's one of my best friends, but now....  I don't want my childlessness to come between us, but right now it is seriously difficult being in her presence.  Ellie is nine months old now and for these past nine months I've been hoping and praying to become pregnant with my first before Cherish did with her second, and it didn't happen.  One of my greatest fears right now is watching everyone around me get to have their families while I never do.  The greatest is watching Cherish have a large family while I never even start mine, because I know with her I'll be there every step of the way.  Funny thing is, even though I'm so very jealous of Cherish, she's very jealous of me.  She wishes she could have married at 19 like me, and that she could have had a year or more for just the two of them.  And I'm jealous that when she did marry she got pregnant two months later, and then nine months after that one she's pregnant again.  You know what though?  No matter how jealous I get of anyone else being pregnant, I wouldn't trade my husband for any of those pregnancies.  If I never have a child I'll be ok, because I'll have my Jared by my side.