Sorry I haven't posted much lately, been feeling a bit depressed, not really sure why.... Maybe I'm having a quarter life crisis or something. I'm not where I'd thought I'd be by now. Instead of being a stay at home mom of one or two kids.... I was a nanny for a boy named Reed for over a year. The only reason his mom, Lauren, was hesitant at hiring me for the job was that I might get pregnant and want to leave. Well I didn't get pregnant. Instead that job left me when they decided it was time for daycare. Then I worked at McDonald's for a summer. And now I've been a nanny for a girl named Blakely for a good year and a half already. Again the mom, Shannon, was hesitant to hire me because I might get pregnant, well I haven't. Now Shannon's friend, Brandy, needed someone to watch her 3mo girl Bailey once or twice a week for her. Did you know that the only reason I looked for a job the first time after getting married was because a year had gone by and I wasn't pregnant yet? I was tired of being a stay at home wife without the mom part. My mom is bringing me some baby stuff this weekend because sometimes I'll have Bailey at my house to watch. A little pack-n-play and a bumbo seat and travel size swing.... It'll make things much easier since I have nothing. A good part of me is sad that she's not bringing those things because I'm pregnant, but because I'll be nannying. And you know what she said? "I apologize if this sounds insensitive, but have you ever heard the phrase about being careful about giving away all the baby stuff cause you'll probably need it? I've caught myself thinking lately that if God is giving me anymore He needs to hurry!!!" Honestly it didn't sound insensitive at all. Why? Because I was already thinking those thoughts when she told them to me. So to be nice I just told her she'd have at least 9 months to get her stuff back. I have a carseat installed in my car not for my own child but for Blakely. I had bought it for when I was taking Reed to the park to play. I see it in my car and it's a reminder that something is missing, just like that spare room in my house that we never use. You know what I read the other day? What messes us up most in life is our picture of how we think it should be. Bingo! I think they hit the nail on the head with that one. I'm back into thinking about adoption stuff. Even though my mind might not be in the right place right now to adopt, it just seems like more and more stuff keeps coming together for us to go that way. Ways to raise funds, people who could help us out, finding out you can breastfeed an adopted child, finding that there is a place near here we can get some fresh cows milk if I can't breastfeed, a new idea for a t-shirt we could sell. Where do you even start with adoption? We don't have money to spare so we'll definitely need to raise funds, do we start there? Do people adopt during their quarter life crisis? Would adoption help that hole in my heart that doesn't seem to want to go away? Heard this song on the radio yesterday and it really hit me hard, it's called Worn: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM