I definitely think I could love someone else's child as my own. I do it every week day being a nanny for Blakely. Often times I'm even told that she looks like she could be mine, because we both have brown hair and dark eyes. I love Blakely. I also love Ellie, my friend Cherish's baby. I love her so very much! And every time I get a chance to spend time with her, I take it, and it's hard to give her back. I even love my baby brother Stuart like he's my own. He's two years old. I found out my mom was pregnant with him after we had been trying for our own for over a year. But some how.....
I'm afraid someone else's kid won't be good enough. For my second child, maybe. But for my first? I don't know. I dream of giving birth to my first child. I dream of the whole pregnancy process. I dream of the look on my husband's face the first time he holds our little baby. I want to breastfeed our infant. I want... I want so much! I desperately want a kid that looks like us.... I want several! I....
What if we were to adopt a child before we ever have our own? What if our first child isn't biologically ours? What if.... I'm afraid I'd be so excited about being pregnant it would make our adopted child feel left out. That they wouldn't feel loved as much because they are adopted. If we were to bring home an adopted child today, obviously not possible, but if we were to bring home an adopted child today it would be my parent's first grandchild. It would be my grandparent's first great-grandchild. I believe my adopted child would be loved, but would they be loved the same? Of course love for any child will be different and unique to them... but do you know what I mean? And....
I'm jealous. I'm prideful. I'm.... I'm the oldest! I'm the oldest kid in my family, the oldest grandkid in my mom's family. I'm the first to get a drivers license, first to get a boyfriend, first to get a job, first to get married, first to get a car, first to..... I should be the first to have a baby. And having a baby and adopting a baby isn't the same thing. Sure I'd be the first to adopt.... But it's just not the same. I'm praying God will change my heart about all of this....
Because a HUGE part of me hopes that if we were to head towards adoption right now... I hope it'll take a while. I hope that during the process that I might still have the chance of getting pregnant and having a baby myself before we bring someone else's home. I really don't like it, but that's honestly how I feel right now.
We've put the thought of adoption aside so many times, usually because of the cost. But now I'm finding more ways all the time for how to raise the funds we'd need. And I know so many different groups of people that would jump up to help support us. First time I looked into adoption we were both only 21, and it said that the ages they look for most start at 25. So that's another thing that just helped me push the thought aside. But I'll be turning 24 next Monday, that minimum age isn't far away anymore. The thought of adoption scares me! I would have to make phone calls... I'd have to do research to find the right people to deal with... I'd have to make so many different decisions! Making decisions is not my strong point. But most of all we haven't gone far into thinking about adoption because my heart just isn't where it should be. I just keep thinking maybe we'll get pregnant first. That's also why we haven't looked much into getting fertility help, I just keep thinking maybe it'll happen on it's own before we get there.
*sigh* Pray for me?