I love Ms. Steveny at my church. She enjoyable to be around. She knows how much I want children, but honestly most people do. But I wish she would just leave that topic alone. Every time I see her she tells me she's still praying for us, that she knows I will be a mom. I'm thankful for her prayers. I'm thankful she hasn't given up hope. But I don't want to be reminded all the time! It's so easy to let those thoughts consume you. It's so easy to spiral down in despair that you don't have any children. I'm ok! Just when I get to thinking I'm ok... She wants to pull me over to the side and tell me again how her current husband couldn't have kids. Tells me how God gave them Kristen. I've heard that story from her so many times... Kristen is her youngest of 6 kids. She starts telling me how you get a boy, she stood on her head with Zach. I just try to change the subject with her all the time. I invited her and Kristen over for dinner last night while Jared was at school. During the tour of our house she kept saying that spare room is a nursery, that it's going to be a nursery. I just nodded my head and kept talking other things. I wanted that room to be a nursery 4 years ago, and nothing has changed.
Hope sounds like a blessing. Hope sounds like it should be freeing. But hoping hurts. Hoping leaves me feeling more vulnerable. Hope takes me defenses down. I feel crippled by hope.
My sister-in-law Chas once dreamed a friend of hers got pregnant with twins. It happened. She dreamed that friend lost her twins. And it happened, the pregnancy was gone. I don't know if she's seen anyone elses pregnancies before they themselves knew, but I used to ask if she's dreamed of me. Her knowing I want kids said she'd try, lol. That was years ago. I don't believe in fortune telling, but then a lot of stuff out there is real! And God does work in mysterious ways. But I don't want to look to someone elses dreams for an answer. If God is going to speak about me having kids, I want Him to tell me. I don't know if I'd believe it if He told someone else anyway. But when Chas told me last time we talked that she feels within the next year we'll have a kid.... I couldn't help the tears. And it wasn't tears of relief! I'm so tired of hearing people say we'll have kids like they just know, when I know not everyone has children. She told me that she's never really felt we would have kids soon, but now she does. And I wonder if that's just because our desire has grown. I wonder if it's because of the pain she could see. Her giving hope to me like that... It hurt so much.
It hurts when God lets my period be late when there is no pregnancy. Because each day I'm late my hope grows, though I try to keep it at bay. Then my cycle starts and all those hopes come crashing down around me. And I wonder why I ever let myself hope when nothing ever changes. When/if I ever do get pregnant it'll probably surprise me. I'll probably have to pee on a hundred sticks before I believe it's real. I want kids so much! A future never being a mom doesn't sound real, but me ever having a positive pregnancy test doesn't sound believable either. Going back to Ms. Steveny... I just want to forget sometimes. There are plenty of other things I can talk about, at least I hope their are. I'd rather talk all day about the child I watch than talk about how one day I'll be a mom. Actually I love talking about kids! Love talking about how I want to raise mine. I love talking about many things, but sometimes I'd like to forget that we've been trying for almost 5 years with nothing to show for it.
Ok, rant done... Bleh :\
