I think I want to adopt, but I don't want the perfect little baby. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems that's what everyone else wants when they want to adopt. And when you talk about wanting to have a child and people tell you "You can always adopt." I think they are talking about you adopting a perfect little baby. People get put on big long waiting lists for a baby. Everyone sits back and waits for the special call saying that a birth mother has selected you. I don't want that. Maybe I'm the odd one out, maybe you'll think I'm strange, but I don't want the perfect infant straight from the hospital baby. I did at one point, but not anymore. You see... those children... those babies... well there are people lining up, or people who are already in line waiting and wanting that child. There are couples out there dying to take that baby home and love them. So many couples dreaming of that child being there own. That child is wanted. I want the child that is unwanted.
I want to save them and give them a home that without me they may never have had. If I adopt a baby I want... The boy that will never play baseball because he doesn't have two arms, the girl who will never dance because she'll never even walk, the child who will never be in choir because they were born mute, the girl who will never paint because she can't see. Everyone wants their child to do and be anything they want to be, no limitations. Personally these types of people in the world fascinate me. I've never really known anyone different in any of these ways, and I would love to know more. The best way to learn anything is to teach. I would love to learn and teach my child how to overcome obstacles that "normal" people don't have, and that no one is actually "normal" in the first place. I want to show unconditional love to someone who others might not love simply because they are so different. I want to love the child who is unloved.
But lately I've been looking at kids, not even sure I want a baby anymore. It breaks my heart so much to see a child who's parents don't care about them. Parents who are so self-absorbed that they don't take the time to think about how their actions affect their children. Parents who get caught up in drugs, alcohol, or even a bad relationship. Parents who leave their children with who-knows-who all the time because they don't want to bother with having them around. Kids who get juggled between mom and dad where neither one really seems to want them in the first place. They ignore them, yell at them, don't care enough to discipline them... In these cases it's not even about being abused, but being neglected. Many of these children have parents who are in jail for various reasons. You actually wish DHS would get involved and take their children away because anything else you figure has got to be better than the situation that they are currently in. I see these children who are confused, feel unloved, unwanted, and... I just want to hug them, love them, take them home and give them a place where they belong. It hurts that in the lives around me that I see such situations that I am powerless to make a difference. I want to take them home and not being able to breaks my heart.
I want the unwanted. I want to love the unloved. When I'm looking at a lost child like I was tonight.... How can I even want to be pregnant? There is no question about whether or not my child will be loved. But that child? I would do anything to give that child the love that I would give my own.
And then I hear of a baby who was born to parents who got together because of drugs. Married now, but when they got together both were cheating on their significant others, and neither thought of how it would affect the children they both already had. This dad was recently at the hospital because he broke a needle in his arm. You know what? DHS actually got involved in the baby's case and somehow they didn't take the new child away. I don't get it. I hope maybe this child will bring them both back into reality and they will straighten up... But I dearly wish I could take their child out of the terrible situation it's in. It's just not right. Oh and did I mention the kids of the mom, and the kids of the dad, are cousins? So it's even more a mess than... Oh never mind, I just wish I could save that baby.
It's been a difficult night. I don't know what all this means towards our future, but I really want to save one, at least one child from a life where they are unloved.
