At the beginning of this year I was busy dreaming about becoming foster parents. Busy dreaming of all the hopes of maybe getting a child we fall in love with that we might later be able to adopt. Seeing children that don't have good loving homes is heartbreaking, we want to rescue them all! We filled out paperwork and waited to get called on to take foster training classes. As each set of classes came and went and we were unable to attend them... The dreams became very distant. Now that we are in classes I find myself trying to get excited again. I find myself working to regain those dreams I had earlier in the year. As we work on getting our house ready, doing our home work for the classes, trying to figure out what else needs taken care of before we can open up... There hasn't been much time to dream. Everything gets to being a bit overwhelming and it can be hard for me to focus on why we're getting into all of this in the first place. I've been hesitant to tell many people what we're up to afraid at the last minute God will step in and say fostering isn't for us. Afraid something will go wrong and we won't get opened up. Afraid everyone will get excited for us and we'll let them all down. And then...
My husband called his parents to tell them about us taking classes to become foster parents.
"I tried to call dad but got his voicemail"...
..."Well I really wanted to talk to both of you guys, we've got some exciting news to tell you!"...
(cue my panic from across the room as I hiss, "don't make it sound like a pregnancy announcement". I could just picture them thinking "this is the moment we've been waiting for" and then being disappointed)
..."Suzanna says not to make it sound like a pregnancy announcement, but it does have to do with kids."...
Oh my friends you should have seen him, he was bouncing while he spoke he was so excited! His daddy was so excited for us he called his mom to tell her! Yet I have a wall built in front of me in case it doesn't work out?
If you're a fellow infertile you probably know just what building
this wall is like. You may have dreamed several times about your little
boy or girl. Dreamed what they would look like, what you would dress
them in, what kind of toys you wanted to buy, how great a family dog you
have... Dreamed of how you would present your pregnancy announcement in
a million different ways to so many different people. The most
heartbreaking dream is the picture of your husband's face the first time
he holds him or her. The awe, the wonder, the pride... Each month your
period comes the dreams are more distant. The talks of baby names grow
further and further apart. Each pregnancy announcement brings a sinking
feeling to the pit of your stomach because again it wasn't you. So you
build a wall against the dreams, you lock them up and put them away. The
more you get excited the more it hurts when you're not pregnant that
month.
And you know what? Now I see myself building a wall
against foster parenting. Even though everything is starting to line up.
The teacher, location of class, the timing, who might be doing our home
study... The fact that our best friends live in the area again. Jared's
done with plumbing school for the year and we have more time to get
things ready. Still looking for a church to call home, but I have hope
it's right around the corner. And you know what? I'm scared. I'm scared
to get excited. This really might be happening soon and I'm in shock
that it really might happen! By the end of January we hope have a room
put together for a child. The thought of having a childs room in our
house... It's crazy! But I think it's actually going to happen.
"Don't worry about anything but pray about everything."
Lord help prepare our hearts and minds (and home) for whatever plans You have for our future.
