I'm one of those people. One of those people that when I see a large family, I count kids. But I don't count kids judgmentally. I don't count kids in shock. I count kids amazed. I count kids in admiration. I count kids in longing.
Every time I think I'm good. Every time I think I'm content with a small family. Every time I..... There they are. I see them. In a store. In a book. At a festival. This time I saw them on a blog. There they were. There was a family that I couldn't just glance and see how many kids there were, I had to stop and count.
Eight. This family had eight. Eight beautiful, strong, healthy looking kids. Stair steppers. Decent balance of boys and girls too. All looking so happy. And once again that longing is there; I've always wanted a big family.
I have two. I have two almost totally legally mine. I love these two boys sooo very much! But will I ever be content with two? Today I don't know.
I hate April. I look back at April and I hate April. I thought we knew! I thought we were done! We had this house picked out that we wanted to buy that was just big enough for us and our two kids and I could see our future way out ahead of us. And then? Then things changed. The people who were supposed to get back to us about loan stuff never did, and then we had a court date that brought other things to mind, and.... And that dream disappeared. We couldn't pursue it any longer. I remember the excitement! Jumping up and down excitedly with my kids on the trampoline praying to God, is this it!? Are we buying a house?!? Thinking the answer was yes and we could finally move on to the next chapter.
April. I hate April. I called my friend, the adoptive mother of my kid's older siblings, I called her right after that court date where things seemed to change. I called her and talked to her about things. I vented. I got advice. I asked more questions. I.... Days later that friend almost lost her life. She out of the blue wasn't able to swallow one morning when she woke up. Went to the doctor, they said she had a hole in her throat, and then things went wrong during the simple procedure to fix it. She went into a coma. She... she almost died. Now four months later she is back home, but with a long recovery still ahead of her. She's going to be ok, but in April... April I was scared she'd be gone. That connection we share because of our kids, I was terrified I'd lose it.
April.... In April while I was praying for my friend in a coma that I feared could be dying, I went to a baby shower for my sister who was going to have her baby girl the next week. Happy excitement that day overshadowed the worry and stress I was feeling because of the court stuff and my friend's health. I told my sisters about both I think at the shower.
April... I came home from that trip worried about every single person in my family's house for various reasons. Every. single. one of them. It was heavy on me. I tried to reach out to my sister Sabrina. I was going to be going back up in a month to see everyone again because of a graduation. I've heard it is easy to talk with someone you haven't seen in a while if you've been talking with them already. I didn't feel like I'd spent much time with her while we were in town, and I wanted to get the conversations going before I'd see her again soon. I messaged, but she wasn't replying. I asked her something simple, she replied to that. But then I tried to get things going again, and failed. I wanted to call her! But thought texting was easier and I didn't want to interrupt her if she was busy....
In April she died. My sister Sabrina died. One week after I had seen her last, we were traveling back because she had died. I had no idea how she'd been doing the last few days of her life. No one knew there was any need for such concern. Maybe if I'd have called I'd have heard it, but I doubt it. But I still wish I had called. I wish the song I'd heard on the radio that week that made me think of her, I wish I'd have shared it with her. Maybe she'd have opened up if I'd have shared it. Maybe.... maybe...
I gained a niece in April. It is the best possible tender mercy that God could have given us. I can't totally and completely hate April because of my sweet niece. She is precious and beautiful and such a blessing. I both hate and love that she was born when she was. I think her presence really helped that week and the weeks following, but I hate that her birth was marred by the loss of her aunt.
In April we renewed our foster parent license because our youngest hadn't had his adoption date yet. If he had already been adopted at that point, we were planning to close our foster home and not renew our license. Four months later and we still don't have an adoption date yet, and now? Now we hear we might be getting more kids. MIGHT! I don't know if they are coming or not yet, but....
There's more to the story than just that. We heard about these kids at the beginning of the year and my prayer then was "God may our adoption come soon!" but also "If we're going to get those kids, may they come before we close our home!" I wanted those kids to be the reason we'd renew our license. Was begging. Few months later I hadn't heard anything else about those kids, and was dreaming intensely about being done with all the foster stuff and buying a house for just us and our two boys. And then.... Then in April we heard about those kids again and thought "we can't do it, we can't buy a house that wouldn't be big enough for more". Dream just disappeared. Then months went by without hearing anything more about those kids. And now? Now we've heard something again. And you know what came to mind? If God had given me those kids when I prayed that He would..... We wouldn't have been able to be there for my family in April like we were after my sister Sabrina died. I don't even know if they are coming, but I'm trying not to beg this time around for when they might, and instead trust in God's timing for if they ever do.
I don't know if I'll ever have a family big enough for counting heads, but maybe one day.......