Adoption day for our next son is approaching soon. Less than a week away now. It's a topic for me that's rather sensitive, and I didn't expect that. About a month ago I talked with the attorney and he said he thought the adoption would take place before Christmas, maybe even Thanksgiving. I was so excited at that news!!! For a moment I thought, "What if it doesn't happen? We haven't been given the date yet, it may not even take place this year...". But then I decided, "Who cares?! There's been so much heartache and such this year, why not embrace the excitement to it's fullest? Let yourself be excited!!!". So I did. I told my husband, and my mom, and some of my friends with happy excitement. The next week came and went without getting that call that I was told I'd get with the date. Next week came and I got through to someone and heard that we were still waiting on the paperwork that was submitted to the judge for review to be signed, so still no date yet. And then... Then the next week I got a date! And.....
And I clammed up. I was not excited. I wasn't happy jumping up and down excited at all. Not one bit. The attorney left me a message on my voicemail and I forwarded it to my husband. I didn't even tell Jared myself, I let the voicemail do it for me. I was a deer caught in the headlights with fear. My husband wanted to post the adoption date on Facebook! I wanted to wait for confirmation that the date given was for real. That was when adoption day was 22 days away, now at only 5 days away I'm still struggling to get excited. I can hardly wait for adoption day to be done and over with. Hardly wait for the weekend after. I think I'll be ready to celebrate after it's over.
Fears. Fear that it won't really happen. I'm still struggling to believe that my boy is really here to stay this time. Twice! Twice he's come to us and I thought "he'll never leave" and twice he did! Will he really stay this time? Is he really truly ours for keeps? I remember too clearly the pain of him leaving that first time and thinking I may never see him again. That boy who I felt was mine the moment he came into my door and then less than a week later he left. He left and I thought it could be forever. Forever and ever I thought I may never see him again. Oh how I loved him.
Several months later he came back, and I thought "he'll never leave", and then he did. He was with us for two months. I saw his first steps. Celebrated his first birthday. I looked at my husband and our two boys and just thought how happy and content I felt in that moment, thinking "This. I could be perfectly happy with just two kids. Just these two.". It was probably less than a week later from that moment, from that thought, that I got the news he'd be leaving us again. Paperwork wasn't done properly and he'd have to go back to the state he came from until it was completed. He'd be coming back! They swore he would, but they didn't know how long it would take.
It has taken me so much longer to let down my guard and fully love this boy this time around. He's been with us continually since April '18, and I still have fears he'll leave. I don't think I can take it. Until it's legal. Until it's official. He could! Something could happen. Something could change. Something....
I always thought it was crazy for someone not to fully embrace the excitement that they're pregnant. But now.... Now I get it. At least some. Because even though we are only 5 days away from adoption, I'm somehow terrified to go to that courthouse afraid that he won't come back with us. I'm holding my breath each day as we get closer afraid somehow I'll jinx it. Soon. Soon I should be able to breathe again.