Familiar Chaos > Unfamiliar Peace

Today is day 7, day 7 of being off Facebook.

I've realized that I haven't just been following those two foster families stories. Two foster families by the way that I do not know in-person whatsoever. Have never met either of them. Complete strangers to me. But I've also been following some big families. A couple of big families who have recently given birth. One of them has biological children, and a couple adopted kids, and then more biological children. This last baby? ALL of her kids were present for this baby boy's water birth. I don't know that I want THAT, but it did put in my mind this idea of wishing and wanting that IF my daughter wanted to be present for Irene's birth..... I'd love for her to have that option. 

There I go again, "my" daughter. I'm thinking about the one that left. The one that isn't here anymore. The one that isn't "mine". The one that I dreamed to adopt, that I've dreamed to adopt more than once, and both times she left and returned to her birth parents...

I once upon a time thought I could be satisfied with being a "boy mom". But then God brought their little brother AND little sister here. And since then? I don't know how I'll ever be satisfied without a daughter too. Why did God give me a little girl just to take her away?? I thought I could be GOOD with just two boys. I was even okay letting go of my dreams of a "big" family, just Darrell and James. My son wouldn't be an only child. Watching the two of them beginning to bond.... I could be happy and content with just this forever. Course James left us shortly after I had that thought and I realized I'd placed my satisfaction in my children.... in the size of my family.... I keep having to re-learn this lesson.

Exodus 20:17 "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's....." anything. Bible says a lot about not being greedy too. And I want them. I covet those other kids. I want them and wish they were here and I wish they were mine for keeps. Is it a sin to miss them? No. Is it a sin to grieve hopes and dreams for the future that were shattered the moment they moved out? Nope. But is it a sin to let my mind run rampant picturing them coming back and what beds I'd like to buy and how I'd rearrange the bedrooms and...... Yeah, that is. That's covetousness. Every time I picture my little girl (not mine) coming back before my little girl (mine) is born.... That's not okay.

I once read on Facebook a meme that said, "Your nervous system will always choose familiar chaos over unfamiliar peace until you learn to heal and choose differently." Maybe it doesn't quite apply, but I would choose my girl (not mine) over my girl (mine) 9 times out of 10 because I KNOW her (not mine) and my girl (mine) I haven't met yet. The chaos of foster and adoption and the office and birth parents and court and everything, I'd choose it all over and over again before I'd ever choose being pregnant so I could have that girl again. I miss the boys too, don't get me wrong, but your whole life changes, the whole dynamic of your house changes, when you're a mom of both. I'm sure it goes the other way too when you've been a mom of just girls and you gain a boy. It changes! I miss the pink and the sparkles and the unicorns. I miss the sweet and tender moments. I miss painting nails. I miss buying skirts. I miss seeing big brothers give her flowers just like they like to give them to me. I miss......

I think of how I've said goodbye to that little girl 3 times now. Each time it's harder. Each time I miss her more. Each time it's more difficult to let her go.

I think of all the time I've missed with her. All the milestones I never got.

I think of how I had to grow trust with her when I first met her, when she came to us the first time at 1. And then when she left for a little while and came back and I had to earn her trust again.... And then this last time when she returned and she didn't remember me and I had to start over....

I wonder what that's like for her birth mom? I bet she's had to go through that too. This gaining her trust over and over again. She's HERS. When she was first born? I bet she didn't have to earn her trust at all, it was just there. But then later she lost her.... and she came back... and she had to earn her trust. And it happened again, and again, and.... I don't know what time we're on now, but I hope she has her trust again today. I hope it grows more and more. I hope she gets to see the sweet little girl I knew. I hope HER little girl lets down her anger, lets down her guard, and that she'll trust her mama and show her beautiful lovely sweet side.

God has prophesied that I will have a little girl (Irene Annabelle aka Ira-Belle). One that's mine before she's even born because she's biologically MY girl. He has promised me a girl that I won't have to earn her trust, I know I'll have it the moment she arrives. He has promised me a little girl that's not going to leave. One that I won't have a fear she might not stay because she's not "actually" my little girl... No! This one IS my little girl. She belongs here, I am birth mom.

I've also coveted my kids little sister. I don't just wish they were ALL back in my home and adopted here, but I wish their little sister was here too.

Maybe God wants to end our motherhood stories both the same way; with a little girl we never have to say goodbye to. One that trusted us the moment they were born, we've never had to earn it, or had to earn it back. Just a natural immediate trust because we're their biological mother. Because we carried that baby girl within our womb for so many months and now they're here and they know the sound of our voice already, they know the sound of our heartbeat, they know us. They know we're mom. They know we'll be there for them and take care of them and everything, because that's what they've already known. They've known that since conception, it's all they have known. They've known us. -- Why would I wish for her to lose that? And why would I wish to rather have the chaos of foster care and adoption and all that in gaining what she has lost over knowing that kind of peace myself?

I confess covetousness, greed, envy.... I confess pride that says I'm "better than" the home they're in now. I confess comparison and refusing to let go of my own dreams for the future over whatever God has in mind for me. I confess though I thought I'd "let go" of the others when they left our home.... Nope, I never really did. Not at all. Not one bit. Not a single little bit. They're gone, but I've just been waiting for their return.

What if God's story is bigger than mine? What if there's a future where both our families are whole and complete and those other kids never come here, never become mine, never stay here for keeps, that it's actually truly over us ever being foster parents or adopting again.... 

"Your nervous system will always choose familiar chaos over unfamiliar peace until you learn to heal and choose differently."

God help me heal. Help me let go of the chaos that You say doesn't have to be a part of my life anymore. Help me to accept that You are in control, that You have a plan, and that Your plan is BETTER than anything I could ask or imagine because YOU like to bless beyond what we could ask or imagine ourselves and.... And I know, I know I have trouble believing this because I have such an imagination. Help me let go. Help me to actually heal. Help me to let myself actually heal... and choose differently. Help me to trust You. I am not the author and finisher of my motherhood story, and this next chapter that You've told me about is an unfamiliar peace that.... that's hard for me to choose because I don't know it. I simply don't know it. Thank You LORD for Your blessings, and that You're not done yet. Thank You that we all have our OWN stories, and that You're still writing mine. Thank You. Amen.
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So anyway, I'm off Facebook, as I try to focus on the story that is our own.

Quit Comparing

One of the things God has been telling me lately, is that I'll have my own story. My own. My story won't match those of anyone I know, and mine won't be the same as anyone else's either.

I'm currently watching two foster family stories unfold in real time, both of which I see myself in their shoes so very badly. I feel as though I'm reliving things that have happened to us before, or seeing an image I've imagined happening to us happening for real to someone else. They feel so us and our family and I want to say something, but my words are lost as I remember.... that's not us. And the lessons I learned when it was us? They'll have to learn them for themselves. I can't promise things will turn out in anyway that they did for us, because they might not for them. And I don't need to burst bubbles of hope they have for things that may not happen at all like they hope because they didn't/wouldn't have for us. 

I look at their stories, and I want for them like I wanted/want for us. How I wish OUR cases had gone, I wish it for them. But we're not the same. Our stories won't match. And how their stories end might not be anything like how ours does. And ours? I still don't feel like it's over. And is it? The foster stuff? Is it truly over? I don't know. Not really.

Our doors are closed, we're not a foster home anymore, we're no longer licensed. But I also know if anything ever happens, we'll be the first they'll call. I've been promised we will be, if we're ever needed.

I don't feel "ready" to say yes to the chaos for if/when that call comes, but ready isn't a feeling, it's a decision. And our decision is already made, our answer would absolutely be yes. Yes to all who were here before and their little sister too. Whether that be today, tomorrow, months or years from now, I think our answer will continue to be yes. We are passionately predisposed to say yes to their siblings. They're family, and they are welcome and wanted here.

As far as I know? They are doing WELL! As far as I know. We haven't heard a word from them since April. Their case should be closed now, custody returned, parental rights restored. They should be doing well. Older two should be in school now, probably kindergarten and 1st grade. Younger two might be staying home with dad while mom works her full time job, or they may be attending a daycare, I really don't know. Honestly the roles could be reversed and him be working now and her staying home with the younger kiddos, but I don't know, I only know the last updates I'd heard, and those were back in April. In April they reached out, kids were doing great in school, mom had a good job, and I think dad was stay at home parent. Since that one conversation, Jared has tried several times to start up conversation again, but there's been no response. It's at a point again that we probably will quit reaching out, and just wait for them to reach out first. This is hard for our kids, they miss their siblings, and they wonder if they'll ever see them again. 

I have such big hopes and dreams for our future!!!! And one of those dreams is that one day things will be GOOD between us and their birth parents. I dream that our kids will KNOW their birth parents growing up. That they won't just know them by the stories they've been told, but that they'll know them themselves. It may just be a visit to the park every once in a while, I don't know, but I want them to have their own personal memories of having spent time with them. That they'll remember the last time they saw them, and that they'll look forward to when they see them again. I don't think that hope for the future is too high, but sometimes it feels like it is, like right now, when we haven't heard from them month after month after month...

But anyway, I'm going to try to keep my hopes up! And whether more kids come here, or they don't, our story is still unfolding, it's not over yet. And I choose to believe, that when it is? When it is over? It'll be good. It's going to be good. And it's going to be a story God has written that is all our own.

Growth

What you're about to read is a notebook entry from more than 2 years ago.

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4/27/2023
Everything I read, everything I see, and all that I hear, it all goes through one filter: Will they come here? Worse than that, I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to make it happen, really I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to make God make it happen. Did I just write that? Yeah... If I do this... If I just TRUST or have more faith or if... I feel like I'm trying to find the right formula or recipe or piece of advice that says if I do this, this, and this, or put this, this, and this together, or... THEN God will bring them here. If I just believe such-n-such, then things will change. If I just believe in it hard enough... I've come to realize I can't bring them here, but I think I can make God make it happen? I'm still trying to make it happen. I'm still feeling like if they don't come here that it'll be my fault they didn't come. Why? Because I didn't convince God that they should. Or. Or I am terrified that maybe God has promised that they'll come here, but His promises come with conditions? He will do this, IF we do that. If we don't? He won't. No matter which way you look at it, I'm afraid if they don't come it'll be my fault.
     I'm afraid it's my fault they left, and I'm afraid it'll be my fault if they never return.

You told me not to fight,
     and I did.
I fought as hard as I could for them to not leave!
     And they left.
I've begged and I've pleaded for their return,
     and they're not here.
I've tried to "move on",
     but that didn't last for long.
I've tried to just go with the flow and not meddle, and not stalk, and...
     And something always pops up!
And then I don't know how to hold my tongue,
     and after all is said, still nothing is done.
What can I do? What should I say?
     What should I not do? What should I not say? How can I...
Make it happen? Aghhh...

God I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing!!! Jared fasted and prayed asking that very question, wanting to know what he should be doing. Instead of an answer You gave him a question, "Am I enough?". I hear that and fear they'll never come our way. "Why am I not enough?" He wrote that in relation to the spies who didn't want to go into the promised land. Why didn't they want to go in? Why isn't God enough? It was the fear of giants. Fear of what they'd have to face. Fear that God wasn't big enough to give them what He had promised? Fear that it would be too hard? Afraid what was waiting on the other side wouldn't be worth it? What they would need to do to obtain God's promise to them, it wasn't worth it. Giants!
     Has God promised us their return? Are there giants I'm unwilling to face? Does that second question have anything at all to do with them in the first place? The giant that makes me feel sick is the word: "reunification". What if they get another chance? Again? Only once have I truly fought against reunification, and that's when it happened. Only once did I fight it, God told me not to fight, I fought, and it happened. And I wonder if it's because I fought. If I hadn't of fought, would they have stayed? Would they have returned? Would reunification been unsuccessful if we'd have been supportive? I'll never know.
     Reunification, what if that's the goal? What if You want us to support reunification again? I said that my greatest hope for the future isn't to see all the kids adopted here, but to see their birth parents whole. Is that true? What would it take? Supporting them in reunification again... I don't know if I can do it. Supporting them? Maybe. I think I can? But supporting them in getting their kids back should they come to us? I don't know if I can do that.

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I wrote that in April 2023, less than two months shy of them having been gone from our home for two years. For two years I'd been grieving them being gone and still not wanting to let go of the thought of them being ours. Two years pass and I'm still struggling feeling somehow it was "my fault" that they left us. And feeling like somehow it could be "my fault" if they never came back. Have I mentioned I struggle with feeling things are my fault? Yeah, I struggle with that a lot. But anyway.... 
     Last time that they left us, God told me not to fight, and I fought. I fought tooth and nail for them to not leave us. Know that scene in Despicable Me when Gru tells Margo to jump and that he'll catch her? He tells her that he promises he will catch her, and that he'll never let her go again. That was me! I'd already said goodbye to brother and sister once, and on the night that they came back to us I was laying down in their room after I'd just gotten them to fall asleep and I was looking at my sleeping little girl.... "I'll never let you go again. Never, never. I'll never let you go again.".
     Don't make promises you can't keep. Especially ones you have no control over whether or not you can keep them. 

I was told not to fight, and I fought, and they left, and I wondered if it was because I fought that they left. Now we're on the other side of them leaving us again, and this time we didn't fight, and they still left. I think God told me not to fight last time not because it would effect whether or not they would stay or return, but because He cares about me and He cares about my heart. I felt so ugly and two-faced as I fought. Eventually I owned up to it and I've confessed to their birth dad that I fought him the last time, and I'm sorry. I told him that's the only time I've ever fought against reunification, and I refused/refuse to let that be me again.

Two days before I wrote that notebook entry in April 2023, I had written out a prayer for their birth parents that is similar to the prayer I shared in my last post. I won't share that old prayer here, there's too many details of their lives that I prayed specifically for that you don't need to know. But I will share how that prayer ended: "Help us to show love to them if/when the others come here. My greatest hope for the future isn't to see all the kids adopted here, but to see their birth parents whole."

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Thank You God for working on my heart. Thank You that I can pray a prayer like that for them now, today, only months into them being gone instead of years later like it took me last time. Thank You for breaking my heart for them, and not just for me. Thank You for removing those feelings of it being "my fault" that we had to say goodbye, that my family had to face that heartache last time, that somehow You were punishing me for not obeying when I fought and You told me not to fight... Thank You for me knowing now that it wasn't my fault. That it was never my fault. And that it's not my fault this time either that they've left us again. And I know, I KNOW that it's not my fault if they ever do or don't return to our home again someday. That's not on me. That's on them, and that's on You, and I have no control. I believe You will protect those children here or there. I know IF things ever turn, You'll bring them here again. BUT I pray this time You will help THEM for it to not happen. Instead of begging Lord this time for WHEN it happens, Lord I pray against the IF. I pray not for when things fall apart, but I pray that it never even happens. Thank You Lord for breaking my heart for them, and help me learn to rejoice in seeing them do well. Amen